Saturday, November 01, 2014

2780 - Saturday jokes

Man it was nuts last night. I killed over a dozen zombies. But I have one question:
Why were they all holding bags of candy?


A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Protestant.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Gary and I'm going to a Halloween party.'


The teacher in her first grade class asks her students to come to the chalkboard and draw something that causes a lot of excitement and commotion. Little Johnny comes up and simply puts a dot on the chalkboard. The teacher asks "what is that?" Little Johnny replies, "it's a period." The teacher says "why does it cause excitement and commotion?" Little Johnny says "it doesn't, but my sister said she missed one this morning and my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the guy next door shot himself"


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"


A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says, "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister," says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the wagon to the dog's "privates." "Little girl," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"


What is a vampires least favorite food?
Steak!


A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma & good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy & good-bye Grandma.."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy & good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night & got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"


What did the ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
    (comments)
    Sea ya.
    I expected some saltier language.
    Water you doing to me?
    You're far deeper than me.
     I see what you did there.
    Now I'm feeling blue.
    This whole thing seems fishy to me.
    Thats very shellfish of you.


Why did the school principal forbid the use of true/false tests? It was part of the school's anti Boolean campaign.


A blonde was walking around a wealthy neighbourhood one day looking for odd jobs to earn some quick cash. She walks up to this one really big house and rings the door bell. A well-dressed man answers. "Hi," says the blonde, "I'm looking for some work. Is there any thing I can do for you?" "Hmmm," says the man, "I actually WAS looking for someone to paint my porch, I'll pay you one hundred dollars to do it!" "Great!" says the blonde! "Alright," says the man, "the paint and brushes are in the garage, I'll be out back by the pool, come let me know when you're done." Two hours later the blonde comes to the back yard. "All finished?" asks the man. "Sure am," answers the blonde. "Great!" says the man as he hands over a one hundred dollar bill. The blonde takes the money and thanks the man. Then, as she's walking away, she turns around and says "By the way, that's not a porch you have there, it's a Ferrari."


6 comments:

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Great jokes. A new way of using urinate.

Duckbutt said...

I like the little girl's improvisation of the siren.

Linda Kay said...

Mike, you had me giggling on the first one!

allenwoodhaven said...

Found you through Bilbo and have been enjoying your blog for awhile. Thanks for all the jokes. Some are new, which is great, and some are remainders of forgotten ones, which is almost as great!

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

I liked them all; but especially the Good Bye joke!

Mike said...

Allen - I think Bilbo knows all these jokes by heart. Even the ones I've never heard before.