2801 - Saturday jokes

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


Afternoon sex when you have kids...
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced...
"The Coopers are having sex."
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."


A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."


A fisherman comes home to his wife after a day out on the sea. He hands her his catch and after she cleans and cooks they both sit down to a lovely fish dinner. He takes one fish and begins to eat when he notices his wife sullenly looking down at her plate.
After a concerned silence she looks up and speaks. "You always used to take the smaller fish and insist I have the bigger one for myself. I'm starting to feel that you don't love me as much as you used to."
The fisherman takes her hand and says, "My love for you hasn't changed, but your cooking has gotten much better!"


What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?
Drops him off at band practice.


A drummer, sick of all these drummer jokes, decides to take up the accordion. He goes to the music store, looks around for awhile, then goes up to the cashier.
"How much for that accordion in the corner over there?"
The cashier responds, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
"That's the radiator."


There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery.
The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."


There's a support program for people addicted to country and western dancing.
But it's not a twelve-step program, it's a two-step.


A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows.
He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"
The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."
The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"
"Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?"
"Rustling."


I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked.
The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low'


A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his f__king wife."


My friend and I tried to start an erectile dysfunction club.
But it flopped and nobody came.
    ...comments...
    They should have tried harder.
    You couldn't get it off the ground?
    Surprised you got stood up.
    I guess no one could keep it up.
    I suppose you couldn't get it up and running.
    You couldn't raise enough members?


A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.
"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you call mine. We'll both pretend that the other person hasn't come home yet, and that we're worried. Whoever's friends give the best advice about where to find us clearly know us better, and therefore are better."
The husband agrees to the game, and they both head off into separate rooms. When they reconvene a half an hour later, the husband looks defeated.
"Well, honey," he says, "I think it's pretty clear that you have better friends. Every one of them listed each of your favorite restaurants, salons, shops, and art galleries, and they had phone numbers for each of them. They knew your work hours by heart, your office extension, your boss's name, and even the route that you take home."
The wife shakes her head. "No, dear," she replies, "you have better friends."
"Why do you say that?" asks the husband.
"Well," the wife replies, "most of them said that you'd been at their place, and three of them said that you were still there."


Shortly after 9/11, Achmed and Abdul were terrified with what Muslim men had done to their adopted country.
The shaved their beards, changed into western clothes, and made a pact to meet in a years time, and see who had the most "american life".
So a year goes by, and the two men meet at a bar, and they began to discuss the events of the past year. "I married a white woman, bought a Ram pick up truck, joined a softball team, and converted to Christianity... do you think you can be more American than that?" Abdul challenged.
Achmed responded with, "Fuck you, towel head!"

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird asked, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.