Saturday, December 20, 2014

2829 - Saturday jokes


I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy".
I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.


A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn't find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor.
Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, 'Where were you when the shit hit the fan?'


An American, a Frenchman, an Israeli, a Spaniard, and a German go to see a seminar.
They show up late, and can only find seats in the back row.
When the presenter notices them come in and take seats in the very back, he shouts to them, "Can you guys see me back there?"
They answer, "Yes" "Oui" "Ken" "Si" "Ja".


A drunken man who smelled of whiskey sat down on a train, next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of the finest whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned" then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


Gandhi was known as a very important person who in recent times has taken on a mystic quality to some. He often fasted for long periods of time making him rather weak and fragile. He went barefoot for long periods of time and so it's fair to assume he built up lots and lots of callouses. He was also reported at one point to have very bad breath because of a gum disease. This all means he was a...
Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis


Yeah, I met an older woman at a bar yesterday. For 57 she was not bad at all. She asked me if I ever had a mother daughter threesome, and I said no. "Today's your lucky day!" She said. "Just follow me home." I did, figuring her daughter must be hot.
We got to her house and when we walked in she hollers upstairs, "Get the bed ready momma, today's your lucky day!"


Two hillbillies are eating in a restaurant talking about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of you will get this joke.


I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$100 and it's yours."


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


A blonde was driving a bit too fast, and was pulled over by a female blonde cop.
The cop asked the woman for her driving licence. The blonde driver fumbled through her overstuffed handbag but just couldn't find her licence. The cop said, "C'mon ma`am, it can't be that hard to find. It's rectangular and has your picture on it."
The blonde driver continued rifling through the handbag and found the only rectangular object in it: a small mirror. She looked in it, saw herself, shrugged, and handed it the cop.
The blonde cop took one look and said, "Why didn't you tell me you're a cop? Have a nice day."



The 4 stages of life:
You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You dress up as Santa Claus.
You look like Santa Claus.


3 comments:

eViL pOp TaRt said...

The Ghandi one had a string of great puns!

The hind lick maneuver is alternative first aid at its finest.

Linda Kay said...

Being a math person, I liked the denominator and numerator one. But my favorite was the one about the Pope.

allenwoodhaven said...

The Pope joke and the Job Interview were my favorites. Thanks Mike!