Saturday, December 27, 2014

2836 - Saturday jokes


Someone stole my mood ring.
I'm not sure how I feel about it.


An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'


Where does the toy store keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.


Doctor says, "Your test results have come back, and it's not good."
Patient says, "Give it to me straight, doc. How much time do I have left?"
Doctor says, "Ten."
Patient says, "Ten what? Months? Weeks?"
Doctor says, "...Nine..."


A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together and the priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister,"and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a hospital gurney in a full body cast.
"Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."


A study showed that 6 out of seven dwarves aren't happy.


A blond gets into her car while an incredibly powerful winter storm surrounds her. She starts the car and puts it in drive when suddenly her anxiety sets in. The horrible weather begins to worry her; she fears that she won't ever get home in it.
It's at this time (and through a stroke of luck) she notices a snowplow in the distance up ahead. After a huge sigh of relief she keeps pace with the plow feeling it's safety as it clears the snow in front of her.
Multiple hours pass by when eventually the plow truck pulls over. The driver gets out and approaches her car window. When she rolls it down, he asks: "Why have you been following me for so long? Are you okay?" She replies: "My dad had always told me to follow a snowplow in a blizzard when the roads feel unsafe." The snowplow driver shrugs his shoulders and replies: "Okay... well I'm finished with this parking lot, I'm heading over to do the one across the street next."


A hotel is holding a convention for chess aficionados. During the daytime, the chess fans can play each other in the ballroom, watch panels that discuss optimal tactics and long-term strategies, or watch videos of famous chess matches. In the night, many of them gather in the hotel lobby to discuss the game and what they've seen today.
The hotel manager overhears groups of conversations in the lobby as he walks around. "I once beat a supercomputer at my local university," brags one.
"That's nothing," counters another. "I played five Master-level players at the same time, and beat four of them!"
"You think that's good? I tricked a Grandmaster into a trap and got him to checkmate himself!" claims yet another.
By this point, the manager has had enough. "Excuse me, everyone," he announces, "We're shutting down the lobby for congregating for the evening, please take these conversations to your rooms, to the bar, or elsewhere." Begrudgingly, the chess fans disperse.
The concierge looks puzzled. "Why'd you do that, Stanley?" she asks. "We don't shut down the lobby for another hour."
The manager sighs. "To tell you the truth Carolyn, I just can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


Why do Scotsmen wear kilts.
Cause a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.


Bill Cosby is going to have a new show.
Women Say the Darndest Things.


I wear headphones now when I masturbate. Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."


Quasimodo was in the steeple of Notre Dame looking down on the town when he noticed a man running to the ladder of the steeple. There was something odd about the man, but from a distance, Quasimodo couldn't distinguish what it was. The man climbed the ladder, and it was evident - he had no arms. He saw Quasimodo and said, "It has been my lifelong dream to ring the bells of Notre Dame! Please allow me this great favor!"
Quasimodo said, "No! I ring the bells! Besides, you have no arms!"
The man replied, "I know, but it is my dream!"
Quasimodo again refused, but the man was persistent, and finally Quasimodo relented, not sure how the man would accomplish ringing the bells. The armless man lay down beside the bell, put his feet on the bell and shoved the bell with his feet as hard as he could. Then he stood up, and as the bell swung back toward him, he stuck his head forward. The bell struck him in the face with a resounding "GONG!" Again, he lay down and shoved the bell with his feet, stood, and let the bell hit him. "GONG!" After the third time, the armless man was knocked so woozy that he stumbled and fell off the steeple. In horror, Quasimodo scurried down the ladder to the man. By the time he reached him, a priest was there, administering last rites. The priest turned to Quasimodo and asked, "Do you know this man?"
Quasimodo answered, "No, but his face rings a bell."
Some months later, Quasimodo was in the steeple and saw a man climbing the ladder. He thought he had seen the man before - it was the identical twin of the man with no arms! The twin had no arms, too. He said to Quasimodo, "A few months ago my brother came here to ring the bells, and he fell to his death. I want to honor my brother by completing his wishes. Please let me ring the bells!"
Quasimodo refused. "No! Your brother died! Go away!"
Still, the brother persisted, and finally Quasimodo said, "Ok. Go ahead!"
The brother lay down and used the same technique - shoving the bell with his feet and letting the bell swing back and strike him in the head. And again, after a few strikes, the twin was so woozy he fell to his death.
When Quasimodo climbed down the ladder, the priest was again administering last rites, and asked, "Who is this man?"
Quasimodo answered, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."


Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, "Would you like some headphones?"
He replies, "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz'." (think about it)


There is now a bipartisan push to legalize medical marijuana to relieve arthritis.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.


A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"


7 comments:

Linda Kay said...

Thanks for the Saturday morning giggles, Mike. Joint support, eh?

Duckbutt said...

That was a four star collection of jokes!

Kristen Drittsekkdatter said...

Truly great pun. And the dwarf one was superb!

Kristen Drittsekkdatter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
eViL pOp TaRt said...

I especially liked the one about the chess players, but all were day brighteners.

Chuck the Grumpy Cat said...

The Quasimodo joke was awesome!

Mike said...

Allen, I have no idea WTF is going on. Now your recomment that I posted, my comment about it, and your second comment are all gone. All I can say is blogger is acting like its usual self.