2864 - Saturday jokes

A naive young priest is sent to New York City and while waking through the park is approached by a scantily-clad prostitute.
"Hey father, how about some head, only ten bucks!"
He doesn't understand but is so embarrassed he just mumbles "no thank you" and hurries Back to the church.
Thinking about the encounter later he asks one of the nuns, "Hey sister what's 'head'?
"Ten bucks same as in the park."


If I could see 5 years into the future, would that mean I have 2020 vision?


A husband and wife visit their counselor for the first time. When they arrive, the counselor decides it would be best to meet with each them one at a time, alone. He starts with the husband.
"Tell me about yourself." The counselor says.
"Well I think of myself as a man who is close to God. He watches out for me, so I try to live my life in a selfless way. I mean how can I not, God performs a miracle every night for me."
"What do you mean?" The counselor asks.
"Well, I have a prostate problems, so I usually have to get up in the middle of the night to pee. God is aware of the inconvenience that this is to me so he turns the light on every time I open the door."
"Wow, that is very impressive" the counselor confirms. He finishes talking to the husband and brings the wife in. After he gets to know her a little bit, he brings up what her husband said when they were talking.
"So are you aware of your husbands supernatural experiences?" The wife looked confused and asked,
"No, what are you talking about?" The counselor replies,
"Well he told me that every night when he goes to the bathroom, God turns the light on for him" The wife's face turns into a scowl and in exasperation she replies,
"Well shit, he's peeing in the refrigerator again."


One day Tom, John, and Bill are sitting around and decide that they should try to make it into their favorite book, the Guinness Book of World Records.
Tom says, "hey I'm pretty tall, I think I could make the Guinness Book of World Records for the tallest man."
John says, "hey I'm pretty fast, I think i could make the Guinness Book of World Records for the fastest man."
Bill says, "hey I have the small penis, I think I could make the Guinness Book of World Records for the smallest penis."
Well the next issue of the Guinness Book of World Records comes out and they all gather around to see if they made it.
Tom turns to the "Tallest Man" page and says, "Hey there I am."
John turns to the "Fastest Man" page and sees his picture and says, "Hey there I am."
Bill turns to the "Smallest Penis" page and says, "Who the hell is [name of guy you're telling the joke to].


A husband and wife are eating dinner together, and the husband says "Honey, I came up with something for us to do on our 25th anniversary coming up next month." Surprised, his wife asks "Really?! I can't believe you remembered it, let alone have a plan for us!" The husband smiles at her and says "I'm taking you to Hawaii!" The wife was completely dumbfounded, they had never gone away on a vacation like that. She started to tear up and responded "Oh, that sounds absolutely amazing!". "And can you guess what I have planned for our 50th anniversary?" He asks her. She shook her head 'no', as she was still too shaken up to speak. He just smiles and says "I'm going to come pick you up."


A young girl asked her Mom, “Where do we humans come from?” Her Mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve in his image; they had children and that’s who we all descend from.”
A few days later the girl asked her Dad the same question. Her Dad answered, “Many years ago there were apes and monkeys, who began to walk on two legs like cavemen, and then eventually we humans evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, I don't understand. I asked you and you told me we were created by God, I asked Dad and he told me we evolved from apes and monkeys?” Which answer is correct?
Her Mom answered, “Well, dear, they both are. I was telling you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.”


A guy visits the doctor because his penis had turned orange. The doctor examines his orange member and concludes something's wrong. He asks the man: "Did you do something funny during sex lately?" The man responds: "No, I haven't had sex for a long time."
The doctor continues: "Did you take some medication that might have caused this?" The man answers: "No, I don't take medication."
"Do you have some weird hobbies?", the doctor tries. "No, I don't have any hobbies."
"Could it be work related?". "No, I'm unemployed."
Frustrated and out of options, the doctor asks: "So then what do you do all day?"
The man responds: "Nothing much, I just sit at home watching porn, and eat cheetos."


The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating."


So, one summers evening I was driving down a small rural road and I come across a hitch hiker. Being the nice guy I am I pull over and let him in, he placed his large black duffle bag in the back and jumped into the front seat. We are driving along the road, which I might add is quite bumpy, every time we hit a bump his bag in the back seat would make some weird noises. Being curious, I asked him what he had in the bag to which he replied "It is not really important or any of your business"; so I just minded my business and shrugged it off. We keep going down this road and the bag continues with the strange noises, so once again curiosity overtook me and I asked about the bag again. This time he seemed even more fed up with me and said "Listen, if you needed to know about the bag you would, it's none of your business, so just keep driving." So at this point I start to become impatient and it wasn't five minutes down the road when we crossed an old bridge and with this the noise that came from the bag was louder than ever. So, I pulled over, looked at the hitchhiker and told him that he is either going to tell me what's in the bag or get out, to which he replies "What's in my bag is none of your Damn business!" so I kicked him out and continued driving. I then realized that the bag was still sitting there in the back seat so, I turned around and unzipped the bag.


You just thought, 'Well what was in the bag?' None of your damn business.


A police man pulls over a priest for swerving.
As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat.
Officer says, "Father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No my son. Why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh my son, that's just holy water."
"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all my son."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Father, this is wine."
The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"


Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large, beautiful, queenly breasts. Gerald the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Gerald revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Harold the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Harold thought about this and said that he could arrange for Gerald to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Gerald readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Harold made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Harold informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Gerald would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Gerald to their chambers. Harold then slipped Gerald the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours he worked with verve and elan to remove the itching on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
The itching was eventually relieved, and Gerald left satisfied. He was haled by both the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Gerald found Harold demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his hunger now satisfied, Gerald didn't care, since he knew that Harold could never report this matter to the King. With a laugh, he told Harold to get lost.
The next day, Harold slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Gerald. The moral of this story is: Pay your medical bills.


A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"


A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest pastors. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying Jagermeister.
The priest said, "it's an old secret that Jagermeister helps constipation, which one of the nuns has.
So the guy shrugs and leaves, only to see the priest later that day, not halfway to the church, drunk as a skunk in the gutter, holding the brown paper bag with Jagermeister in it.
He pulls up in his car and asks, "I thought you said it was for a nun's constipation!?"
The priest replied, "It is! She's going to shit herself when she sees me like this!"


The drinking age in Alabama has changed to 25.
Lawmakers warrant this by saying it is meant to keep alcohol out of high schools.


A man buys a drink at a bar and places it down next to him deep in thought.
Suddenly a biker enters the bar and sits down next to the man, takes his drink and downs it one gulp.
"Watcha gonna do?" the biker sneers.
The man breaks down into tears.
"Shit man, I didn't think you were going to cry, man the fuck up!" The biker snarls.
The man turns around teary eyed and burst out "This is the worst day of my life! I get fired from my job, get home early and catch my wife having sex with the mailman, I go outside then see my car has been stolen and will more than likely lose my house to my wife!"
"And after all day of picking up the courage to end it all, I finally buy myself a drink and drop a poison capsule into it only to have you drink it!"
"But enough about me, how was your day?"


A nun is standing outside a pub and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:
"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"
The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, in heaven."
"Well," says the nun, "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!"
"What? What are you talking about?" the man asks. "Have you ever had a drink?" The nun says she has not. "Then how can you talk to me about alcohol? I'll tell you what I'll do," he continues, "I'll buy you a drink, and after you've drunk it, then you can talk to me about alcohol. What'll you have?"
"I don't know," says the nun. "What do ladies usually drink?"
"Gin," he replies.
"Oh, alright," she says. "But - but can you put it in a cup, so nobody notices." The man nods and walks into the bar, calling out to the bartender.
"Bartender! I'll have a beer, and a double gin in a cup!"
"Is that damn nun outside again?"


It is fine to buy a nun a drink, just don't get into the habit.