Friday, January 30, 2015

2870 - Friday jokes


A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness" said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall."


Their tickets gave them seats next to eachother. Realizing his good fortune, he strikes up a conversation.
"So, what do you do for a living?" He asked.
She blushed. "You'll laugh, but I'm a sex therapist."
"That's fascinating." He said automatically.
"It is." she agreed. "You'd be surprised about what misconceptions people have about sex."
"Such as?"
"Well for example, The African American male doesn't have the largest penis. That honor goes to the American Indian. Or that Italians are the most considerate lovers. The Jewish hold that title."
"interesting. he says. Who has the longest stamina?" He asked.
"That would be the Russians, as a matter of fact. Anyways, i never got your name, sir."
"Ivan, Ivan Kicking Horse Goldbloom." He said.


How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one but the bulb has to really want to change.


Man: "Doctor I want to have a vasectomy. Could you help me?"
Doctor: "Well... thats a hard decision... Did you talk with your family to see what they think about it?"
Man: "Yes, and the result was 16-9 do it."


A tourist wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat.
The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you had a bronze Republican."


I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children, because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out retarded.


For some reason, my girlfriend hates it when I use her toothbrush.
So does anyone know a better way to get dog shit out of sneakers?


Anyone notice the irony behind "hyphenated" and "non-hyphenated"?


6 comments:

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Those were great laughs for a Friday! Great sex therapist one.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Sometimes children getting one the job experience really prepares them for the workaday world.o

Linda Kay said...

Mike, love that first one...show how quickly kids pick up the language of construction!

Insane Penguin said...

The first joke was great!

Hell Hound said...

I can see my family voting on my getting a vasectomy.

Dismal Sam said...

The first and last ones were first rate,