Saturday, March 28, 2015

2927 - Saturday jokes


I now have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.


(count the countries)
Yesterday I was so Hungary, I decided to Czech if there was any food. I was Russian to the fridge, but found only a Turkey full of Greece. Iran to the store to get some salt, pepper, Chile and Korea-nder, because I was in the mood for some Sweden sour. I found Iraq of pork chops but there was Norway I could eat them all. The Romanian ingredients where some Belize pepper and a Canada best soup I could ever find. Can you Bolivia it? I Cyprus the urge of buying some Fiji Water. I Haiti the fact that bottled water leaves a Denmark in the environment. My friend, the Sergeant Tina, decided to join me in my quest for the ultimate food fest. She suggested cooking some Japan-seared Tuna, but that Kuwait for a moment. Our friend Chad also came. I told him to bring his acoustic Qatar. We Singapore song after other while we Polish the silverware and clean the China. We prepared some Cuba libres, as well as a drink consisting of Jamaica flower and Malta Whiskey. I think is our best Croatian yet! My friends Sudan-ly had Togo. Once I was Finnish with my cooking, I enjoyed thoroughly my meal. It was so Yemen! I'm Ghana repeat this meal some time in the future. To be honest, I Benin ignoring quality food for some time. I'm Thai-red of eating only Seoul Food, but those days are Gabon! I've been Peru-sing my choices lately, so Angola look for better recipes. Israel hard to find good food in my city. I Congo for days and days looking, Bhutan no avail. Kenya'll understand what am I saying? Syria'sly I'm running out of puns, although I'm sure there are a Brazil-lion of them. I hope this has been India-ring to all of you. I hope it hasn't been a Spain to read. Probably I'll try later to find Samoa phrases!


A new golf ball has been invented that will automatically go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.
Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.


One day an elderly Amish lady is riding her horse and buggy back from the farmers market when a police officer pulls her over for a broken reflector. He gets out of his car and notifies her of it. She replies, "Oh thank you officer! Is there anything else?" So the officer does a routine inspection of the 'vehicle' and notices that one of the reins is wrapped around the horses testicles. He notifies the lady and she thanks him and tells him that he husband will take care of all of it when she gets home. When she gets home, she tells her husband all about the event with the cop and all about the reflector. The husband replies, "That's simple. I can fix that in a jiffy. Was there anything else?" After thinking for a moment, the old woman replies, "I can't quite remember but I think it was something about the emergency brake."


What was the best thing before sliced bread?


Higgs boson walks into a church, and the priest says, 'I'm sorry we don't allow Higgs bosons to come to churches.' And the Higgs says, 'But without me, you can't have mass.'


Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid." The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'" Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'" Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"


Did you hear about the professional bowler from Africa?
Ebola perfect game!


According to my roommate's diary, I have boundary issues.


Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'


A Vietnamese, a Cambodian and a Laotian try to walk into a nightclub. The bouncer says "I'm sorry fellas, you can't come in here without a Thai."


Conjunctivitis.com.... Now that's a site for sore eyes!


So I was offered sex today with a 21 year old girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.


7 comments:

eViL pOp TaRt said...

That was an awesome extended pun about the countries, and Amish brakes!

John A Hill said...

So glad that you have strong moral standards!
...And I liked the formal Asian nightclub, too.
Great jokes.

Headed your way today. Going to meet the Chicago kids downtown.

John A Hill said...

So glad that you have strong moral standards!
...And I liked the formal Asian nightclub, too.
Great jokes.

Headed your way today. Going to meet the Chicago kids downtown.

Linda Kay said...

Unlike John, I'm not headed your way today....but I enjoyed the jokes. I'll have to warn my hubby about the new golf balls!

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Hey, maybe Alzhemier's isn't so bad!

Anonymous said...

Good ones; thanks!!

~allenwoodhaven

Bilbo said...

That extended pun joke was worthy of some of the pun wars we get into on Facebook!