Saturday, September 05, 2015

3088 - Saturday jokes


If they say you shouldn't eat late at night,
then why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?


(old joke)
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana when he sees a sign in front of a broken down house ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there.
“You talk?” he says. “Yep” the dog replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he says “So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well. I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”
“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars.” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.”


I'm going to grow old or die trying.


A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing. They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"
The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.
"I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out."
The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?"
"Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman
"Yes." replies the fish.
"Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?"
"Yes."
"And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?"
"Yes."
"Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."


At last, a herb related joke.
It's about thyme.


The human brain is amazing. It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.


Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team. After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother. She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued, "your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."


I wonder how many vampires have been run over by people who backup just using their mirrors.


A woman came to a job interview. Then the interviewer says: "You have 2 choices, do you prefer me to ask you 10 easy questions, or 1 difficult question?"
After thinking for a while, the woman choose 1 difficult question. Then the interviewer asks: "Which came first, the night or the day?"
Without even thinking, the woman answered: "THE NIGHT, Sir."
Curious, the interviewer asks: "How can you be so sure night came first?"
"Sorry sir, but you promised me only one difficult question."


LukeSkywalkertypedlikethissincehehadabadspacebarexperience.


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."


The good news is we're going to name a fatal disease after you.


Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.' Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over, women like that are hard to find.'


(old joke)
A man walks into a barber's shop with his 5 yr old daughter.
While he sits down to get his hair cut, the daughter stands right beside him eating a muffin.
The barber warns her: "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."
She looks at him and says: "I know. I'm gonna grow tits too."


Did you hear about the time Hitler and Stalin shared an apartment?
It turns out that their landlord was the lessor of two evils.


The Vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium......
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place...."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The Vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.......
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.


What's black and white and red all over?
Mimes in a chainsaw fight.


If you see a girl in a seashell bra and hold one of the seashells up to your ear, you can hear her scream.


4 comments:

eViL pOp TaRt said...

I guess she would!

Great jokes! Keeping up a nice tradition!

Sinner Bob said...

I enjoyed the jokes!

Anonymous said...

Some great laughs here! Thanks Mike.

~allenwoodhaven

Cherdo said...

It's always a good MIKE day when I read the jokes out loud to Hubzam. :-)

(Happy Labor Day, too)