3116 - Saturday jokes

I don't mind showing up for work.
But this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit.


Grizzly Bear Notice:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.


A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"


Critics say Botox is too expensive.
But I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.


When some women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats.
This is known as many paws.


A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."


A blonde is driving down a country road when she's sees another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a wheat field. She pulls over and gets out of the car. Angrily she's screams, "It's blondes like you that give us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"


Can you imagine if not one midwife showed up for a birth?
It would be a midwife crisis.


"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No, Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied.
Behind Dopey, the other six dwarfs started to titter.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted.
"No, none in Italy," the Pope answered more sternly.
A few more dwarfs began to laugh openly.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
This time the pope was much more firm.
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
By this point, the other dwarfs were laughing out loud and rolling on the ground.
"Pope," Dopey demanded. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the world?"
"No Dopey!" He snapped. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Whereupon the six dwarfs started jumping up and down chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"


An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker, "Watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".


Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.
He gets furious and turns red.
"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.
"It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee."
"Oh. That's not so bad."
"Yeah, but it's in her handwriting."


Violets are green,
Roses are blue,
Alright you bastards,
Who screwed with the hue?


While driving I asked my girlfriend to give me oral sex and we got into an accident.
I guess next time I should be the one driving the car.


I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I've gotten eight fridges.


A Catholic priest, an Imam, and a Buddhist monk were arguing whose Religion is the true Religion. The Imam said, "to prove this let us jump off a cliff and call out to our god and whoever gets saved has the true Religion. I believe my religion is the truth so I will go first!"
The Imam jumps and yells, "Allah! Allah! Allah!" Nothing happens and he falls down to his death.
Next the Buddhist monk goes and yells, "Buddha! Buddha! Buddha!" Suddenly, the giant right hand of Buddha appears and catches the monk and sets him down safely.
The Catholic priest looked over the cliff and thought, 'oh oh'.


What do you say when you are trying to comfort a grammar nazi?
There, their, they're.


I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.
It really makes my patients nervous.