3123 - Saturday jokes

A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.


A man once became addicted to cocaine from foreign countries.
He spent all his money to travel and sample the evil drug in all parts of the world.
Thankfully, he stopped once he hit the Finnish line.


Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."


Necrophilia wouldn't be such a big issue...
If the victims were a little bit more outspoken.


A couple was married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night—whether you're here or not."


Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony.
But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.


My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 AM! 3 in the morning can you believe that?!
Luckily, I was still awake playing my drums.


Her windows were broken as a result of burglary so she called a window repair man for help. Since she couldn't be there, she told the repairman:
--I'll leave my key under the potted plant. Fix the windows and leave the bill on the counter. I'll wire the money over to your account tomorrow. FYI, my dog Butch shouldn't bother you. But mind the parrot. Do NOT talk to the parrot.--
When the repairman arrived, he saw biggest, most intimidating dog he'd ever seen. But the dog never approached him, just like the lady said.
The parrot was another story. The parrot screeched profanities at him and repeatedly called him a "horse-shit snorting faggot" with a "tiny-ass dick". The man briefly wondered whether the lady taught the parrot those phrases specifically. The repairman was a very patient man. But soon enough he lost his temper and yelled at the bird, "Shut the hell up!"
To which the parrot responded, "Fetch the balls, Butch!"


What do you get when you cross sriracha, Little Caesars, and a donkey?
A hot pizza ass!


A blond goes to bed with a glass of water and an empty one.
The latter is in case she wakes up not feeling thirsty.


A minister's wife goes to buy a parrot for her husband, who's always wanted one. The pet store owner says he only has one parrot left, but until yesterday it lived in a brothel.
"Oh no, my husband's a minister, I couldn't take that parrot," she says.
The store owner assures her it doesn't swear or say anything inappropriate so she buys it, but she's wary.
When she gets the parrot home, it looks around and says, "new house...new house". She starts to feel better.
When her two daughters come home, the parrot looks at them and says, "new girls...new girls." The minister's wife is feeling good and can't wait until her husband gets home.
When her husband gets home, the parrot looks at him and says, "Hi Dave."


How did Rihanna know Chris Brown was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.


A young girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."


Donald Trump wants to get the Mexicans to build the wall across the border. I say screw the Mexicans, we should get the Chinese. They know how to build a wall.


A cowboy walks out of a bar. A second later he come back in mad as hell.
"Okay" he growls "which one of you sidewindin' hombres went outside an' painted mah horse bright red while I was a-drinkin'?"
Nobody answers, so the cowboy pulls out his six-shooter and yells, "I said which of you mangy polecats painted mah horse red?!"
Slowly one cowboy stands up from the bar. He is six feet, nine inches tall and pulls out a gun that looks more like a small canon than a pistol from his holster.
"I done it", he growls.
First cowboy puts his gun back in his holster and says, "Just wanted to let you know that the first coat's dry"


5 scientists out of 6 say that Russian roulette is safe.


I had to check my printer because I thought I heard music coming from it.
Turned out the paper was jamming.