3172 - Saturday jokes

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her back in.


What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.


A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.
The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.


Donald Trump has been saying he will run for president as a Republican.
Which is surprising, since I just assumed he was running as a joke.


What do Americans and Putin have in common?
They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.


A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel..."


I tried phone sex today.
I ended up with hearing aids.


Instead of 'the John,' I call my toilet 'the Jim.'
That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.


If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers...
you need to quit cold turkey.

What's not 50% off today?
Health insurance.


Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside. The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."


I'm having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek league.
Good players are hard to find.


Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's very time consuming.


The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame.
All at once the white stuff came
At last it's finished it's all over now
My first time ever at milking a cow.


My roommates may get angry at me for stealing one of their cooking utensils.
But frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.


My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.


I tried to donate a kidney once. They wouldn't take it though because I wouldn't tell them where I got it.