3252 - Saturday jokes

Have you heard about the sequel to the Exorcist?
In the new version, a woman hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.


Two boys are in the woods walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said, "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"


Two blondes were walking in a park when one of them said, "Look, a dead bird!"
The other one looked up in the sky and asked, "Where?"


A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Okay, okay. I was at a friend's house watching movies." The father asks, "What movie did you watch?" The son replies, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Okay, okay. We were watching porn." The father says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.


A bunch of blondes got together and decided they had HAD it. They knew they weren't stupid. They were sick and tired that the world kept on making them the butt end of jokes. They decided that they were going to have a convention, raise awareness, and have smart people from all over the world speak to them.
Hundreds of thousands of blondes come to one stadium. The event's first speaker is a mathematician. She gets to the mic and says, "Blondes can do math too! Let's prove it. Can I have a volunteer from the audience come up, please?"
From the front row steps up a bombshell blondie named Jane, and she gets up on stage. The crowd goes wild with cheers.
The mathematician says, "Okay. Simple math question to get us started. Jane, what is two plus two?"
Jane thinks for a second and says, "Uhh. Two?"
The mathematician shakes her head, but, before she can speak, the crowd roars, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Jane steps back up to the mic and says, "Two plus two equals three." And immediately, the crowd shouts in unison, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The mathematician takes the mic and says, "Jane. This is your last try. What is two plus two?"
Jane walks up and says into the microphone, "Ummm... Four?"
The crowd screams back, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"


Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."


Dyslexics UNTIE!


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold so the bird froze and fell to the ground covered with snow. A horse came by and dropped some dung on the bird. The pile of horse dung warmed the bird and brought it back to life. It lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing took the bird out of the pile of horse dung, and ate him.
The moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!


The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink.
He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety.
A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer. The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.
The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.


A man rushes into a psychiatrist's office and shouts, "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm invisible."
The shrink looks at his appointment schedule and says, "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now."


I tried to catch some fog once, but I mist.
My science class went on a field trip to a pencil factory, but I didn't really see the point.
When eating out with friends, I never order seafood. I don't want to seem shellfish.
When some missionaries visited the tribe of cannibals, the cannibals got their first taste of religion.
I'm dating the girl across the street, but I still don't see why some people complain about lawn distance relationships.
My dad got fired from the calendar factory. Apparently, they don't like when people take a day off.
I didn't really enjoy the Hobbit movie. The ending seemed to dragon.
I'm suffering from emotional constipation. I haven't given a shit in days.
Did you hear about the orange boxer? He got beaten to a pulp.
Lately, I've been reading about Anti-gravity. The book is impossible to put down.
What do you get when you cross a pun with a rhetorical question?
I saw a parachute on craig's list that the seller assured me was in mint condition. He said it was used once, but never opened.
I've started working as a porn writer, but its harder than expected. There's just so many holes in the plot.
I learned sign language because I thought knowing it would be pretty handy.
I've always admired fishermen. Now those are reel men.
My uncle is a seasoned veteran. He's dealt with pepper spray and mustard gas!
The chickens were tired of the father ignoring their requests for a home, so they made a coup.
My dad isn't happy being a glue salesman, but he's stuck with it.
I stopped cycling this past year. It seemed like every time I wanted to use my bike, it was two-tired.
I always enjoyed watching chickens walk around. It's like poultry in motion.
I forgot how a boomerang worked, but after a minute it came back to me.
Once, my parents tried to talk to me about rhythm and the blues, but I told them I already knew all about sax.
I'm trying hard to think of a tree pun, but I'm stumped.
My local cemetery is quite popular. People are just dying to get in.
I was having trouble explaining to my friend that he had kleptomania. He kept taking everything literally.
I lost my watch, and though I keep meaning to look for it, I can never find the time.
I knew an atheist who could never get the hang of exponents. He just didn't believe in a higher power.
Dreaming just comes naturally to me. I feel like I could do it with my eyes closed.
I once knew a pun about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
I got a small clock in the shape of a doberman once. It was the best watchdog I ever had.
I never got the hang of using a bow and arrow. Seems like there's too many drawbacks.
I once had to deal with an unruly horse at a renaissance fair. It was my worst knight mare.
Our local librarian was also the conductor for the school orchestra. He got fired for telling students to read band books.
I felt really worried after getting back my failed English test. I think it was post-grammatic stress disorder.
Shovels were truly a ground-breaking invention.


"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted."
"What?! Really?!", I said.
"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."