3336 - Saturday jokes

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a frozen lake.
They weren't talking so I decided to go over and break the ice.


Jack was sitting on the plane going to New Orleans when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school.
It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."


I've been dating a homeless woman recently and I think it's getting serious.
She's asked me to move out with her.


A young, attractive woman goes to a bar. She notices a man at the other side of the bar making eye contact with her, and before long the bartender hands her a note saying, "That gentlemen over there told me to give this to you."
- Come join me for a drink?
She approaches the man and introduces herself. He writes another note and hands it to her:
- I am deaf, but I can write notes. Let me buy you a drink?
She decides to indulge him. They spend the night drinking and writing notes back and forth. She learns he is a computer scientist, so being deaf doesn't affect his career all that much, and that he lives only a few blocks away. As they become more intoxicated, he invites her back to his place with a note:
- Let's go back to my place. I've got a $1000 bottle of wine for us to share and a 10-inch penis.
She thinks to herself he must be pretty rich if he can afford that bottle of wine and fantasizes about the size of his male member, so she excitedly agrees. They split a cab back to his place. In the cab ride she passes him another note, saying he seems pretty young to be so successful. To which he writes a note back:
- I'm only 11010 years old!

(Conversion binary->decimal:The wine is $8, the penis is 2 in. long, the man is 26 years old.)


My blood type must be really disappointing.
My doctor keeps telling me, "be positive".


What kind of crows stick together?
Velcrows.
How do you get them apart?
Crowbar.


I won my first cage fight last night.
The parrot didn't know what hit it.


So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court
"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".
The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens.
" Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty."
The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."


The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”


A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away
It was a grave mistake.


A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes sir you wear contact lenses."
The Admiral, impressed thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear."


(I love this joke. You have to picture in your mind what's happening.)
 ...
*Air horn sound*
*Second air horn sound*
Me: "Well this clearly isn't deodorant."