Saturday, July 23, 2016

3392 - Saturday jokes


Who says building a border wall won’t work?
The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans.


Is it really 2016? I mean Tarzan and Ghostbusters are playing in theaters, Pokemon is a craze, and a Clinton is running for President of the United States.


I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta.
Now it's a Ford Focus.


Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.


Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing strange noises from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, "You had better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Puts on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny screwing her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says, "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom, huh?"


The U.S found oil in a foreign country and instantly reported serious shortage of democracy there.


A man who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to tell him of any emergencies. A few days into his trip, his cat slipped while climbing the roof, fell off and died.
His friend immediately texts him with the message: “Your cat died!”
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief. When he saw his friend he yelled at him, “Why didn’t you break the news to me slowly? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down gradually that he died.” After a quick memorial service, the man left again to continue his trip.
A few days later he gets a text from his friend. It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”


Friends are people who stick together until debt do them part.


The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.
I'd been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.


After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.
As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"
To which Jesus replies, "You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."
The man asks, "Jesus, why is life so hard?"
To which Jesus replies, "That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."
The man asks again, "How was the universe created?"
Jesus replies, "I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."


What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence?
I don't know and I don't care.


A man walks up to a prostitute and propositions her for sex.
She says to the man, "Sorry, but I'm clothed for the day."


I got caught sniffing my friend's sister's underwear the other day,
What made it worse was she was still wearing them,
Made the rest of her funeral really awkward.


God finally answered my prayers for winning the $415 million lottery.
The answer was no.


6 comments:

eViL pOp TaRt said...

That would make for an awkward funeral.

Jesus mows.

Cloudia said...

Thanks Mike - I needed that!

John A Hill said...

Oh my!
Poor Johnny!
And that might have been him years later at the awkward funeral!

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Try to avoid having nondecorous funerals. Unless Hooters girls visit to entertain friends.

Big Sky Heidi said...

Good point about the Great Wall of China. But what about Hadrian's wall?

Mike said...

Heidi - Hadrian's wall is to low. Some Mexicans can pole vault.