3399 - Saturday jokes

I saw a wino eating grapes. I told him, "You have to wait!"


A man walks into a bar while carrying a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He says, "Hey! Bartender! Two beers please." The bartender looks at him with a confused look and asked, "Why two? Are you waiting on someone?" The man responds, "Nah, I need one for me and one for the road."


A cop drives up Lovers' Lane around midnight and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book. The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 21." Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."


They say laughter is the best medicine.
That's why I always make sure to laugh when someone tells me they have cancer.


One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm. Being a helpful guy, John tells him there's a new robot in a store down the road that, if you pour your urine into it and insert a dollar bill, it will diagnose any illness that you may have. Hardly believing what he was told, Bob pees into the cup and goes to the store to check it out for himself. Sure enough, there was this robot all new and shiny. So he inserts a dollar bill, and pours his urine into a special receptacle. The robot starts beeping, and seconds later prints out a piece of paper that reads.
"You have a simple sprain. Put a cold compress on your arm and avoid heavy lifting, and your arm will get better in a week"
Bob is amazed at how advanced technology has become, and immediately starts thinking about ways to beat the robot. When he gets home, he shares the news with his wife and daughter and asks them to pee into the cup, to which they happily oblige. He then walks over to the kitty litter box, picks up the poop and places it into the cup with the urine. He then mixes the concoction with tap water and for good measure, beats one off right into the cup. The next day he returns to the store, inserts a dollar bill, and pours his entire concoction into the receptacle. After the customary beeps, the robot prints out an even longer piece of paper. It reads:
1.Your tap water has too much iron. Buy a filter.
2.Your cat has worms. Take it to a vet.
3.Your daughter shoots up heroin. Take her to rehab ASAP.
4.Your wife is pregnant, and you're not the father. Get a good lawyer.
5.And lastly, if you don't stop jerking off, your arm will never get better.


A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”


I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.


My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. 
Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.


"IT'S A BOY!" I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!"
And with that, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel.