Saturday, June 24, 2017

3728 - Saturday jokes


"How much do you weigh?"
"Precisely 120 pounds when I'm wearing my glasses."
"What about when you are not wearing your glasses?"
"No idea. Can't see shit."


"You're the bomb".
A compliment in USA.
An argument in the Middle East.


One day Canada will conquer the world.
Everybody will have to be sorry.


Holidays in Amsterdam: have sex and get stoned.
Holidays in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned.


Have you heard of Murphy's Law?
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
Have you heard of Cole's Law?
It's thinly sliced cabbage.


Prison may be just one word.
But to others, it's a whole sentence.
(This joke didn't just make my day, it made my hole weak.)


I used to smoke weed and go to class. Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.


I just found out I'm colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.


What is the difference between arguing with your girlfriend and arguing with a knife?
The knife has a point.


A clown held open a door for me today.
I thought it was a nice jester.


I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.
Must be some kind of milestone.


My boss walked up to my desk as I was watching porn today.
He said, "Do you think I pay people to do that?"
"Probably," I replied, "You're not exactly the best looking guy in the world."


My girlfriend told me I’m her 32nd lover.
Turns out what she really meant was I’m her thirty second lover.


Do you know what game non-vaccinated kids play?
Marco Polio.


A group of railway trespassers got hit and killed.
They won't trespass again now that they've been trained.


I accidentally swallowed some food coloring yesterday.
The doctor said I will be fine, but I feel like I might have dyed a little inside.


5 comments:

Bilbo said...

A good batch today. Speaking as one who is color blind, the eighth one came right out of the orange.

John A Hill said...

Good stuff!

allenwoodhaven said...

Always a pleasure. Thanks!

Duckbutt said...

Great jokes!

Rudolph said...

Marco Polio - a new one!