Saturday, September 23, 2017

3819 - Saturday jokes


Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.
In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
(Republicans aren't laughing & Democrats don't think it's a joke.)


I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. One for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing.
Either way a woman's getting screwed.


Grandpa! What are you doing on the porch with no pants on?!
Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.
No pants was your Grandma's idea.


A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back, "Revelation 3:20 ", and stuck it in the door. The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation, "Genesis 3:10." Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."


Is that a gun in your pants, or are you happy to see me?
Both, now get in the van.


I saw an ad for burial plots for sale.
I said to myself this is the last thing I need.


A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


I've just had a once in a lifetime experience.
I won't be doing that again.


A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it!"


A Sailor kept dribbling an imaginary basketball. The sailor was psychologically tested and it was decided he needed to be discharged. When he gets discharged and walks off the ship, he passes the ball to the officer of the deck and says, "Well, I don't need this anymore."


It used to be called a jumpoline.
Until your mom got on it.


4 comments:

Cloudia said...

Thanks Mike

allenwoodhaven said...

The soldier and sailor were very inventive! My thanks too, Mike.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Nice balloonist joke! Also the one with the preacher's note.

Grand Crapaud said...

Those gave me a grin.