4001 - Saturday jokes

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.


Russia's president wasn't elected.
He was Putin!


"Son, you were adopted".
"What!? I Knew it! I want to see my biological parents!"
“We are your biological parents. Now pack up."


A guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from England."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"


I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.
I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says, No, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?"
I said, "No, it’s because you’re drinking my beer."


I went to Thailand and came so close to sleeping with a lady boy.
She looked like a girl, talked like a girl, even walked like a girl. It wasn't until she reversed the car perfectly into the parking spot I thought, "hang on a second".


When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears.
You can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.


My dentist said that my gag reflex was much more sensitive than my wife's.
I didn't think anything of it at the time. Later, I realized it was super weird, because we go to different dentists.


William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line.
In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a very good brand name.