4029 - Saturday jokes

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree.
He got to a tree and started swinging.
"But, I'm a talking tree", said the tree.
"And you will dialogue", replied the lumberjack.


A farmer sees someone talking to his horses.
He quickly grabs his shotgun and heads over to the man. He points his gun and him and exclaims: "What are you doing! This is private property!" The man replies " Your animals can talk! I was just talking to them" The farmer, surprised, says: "Well if that's true, what are they saying!?"
The man says: "Well the horse said that the saddle you use has a burr and its rubbing a spot on his back raw". Sure enough the farmer checks the saddle and there is a large burr. "The cow also said that one of her teets is raw and cracked and every time you milk her it is really painful". Sure enough, the farmer gets under the cow and there is a cracking teet. The farmer quickly jumps up just as the man was going to continue on he screams: "WELL WHAT DID THAT LYING GOAT TELL YOU!"


We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”


What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?


People often ask what I do at the teddy bear factory.
Just stuff.


My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on vacation.’
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.


Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then neither will I."


One day Canada will take over the world.
Then we'll all be sorry.


The opposite of an assassin is dickdickout.


The word 'Diputseromneve' may look ridiculous but backwards it's even more stupid.


I've just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl.
It was the cheapest microwave I could find.