Posts
A Viking Voyage
2 hours ago
Monday, October 30, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
80 - Email jokes
I got this in an email and thought, "Hey, I can get 15 - 20 posts out of this!" But why wait.
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or digital camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or digital camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
79 - The plan
This is a recycled and revised old joke.
BEHOLD THE CONCEPTION OF THE PLAN.
In the beginning there was the plan, and the plan was without form.
And the darkness was on the faces of the plans implementers.
And they spake unto their manager, saying –
“It is a crock of unmentionable, and it stinketh”.
And the manager went to his boss, and he spake unto him, saying –
“It is a crock of unmentionable, and none may abide the odor thereof”.
And the boss went to his boss, and he spake unto him, saying –
“It is a container of unmentionable and it is very strong, such that none may abide before it”.
And the bosses boss went to his boss, and he spake unto him, saying –
“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength”.
And that boss went to the assistant VP, and he spake unto him, saying –
“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong”.
And the assistant VP went to the VP, and he spake unto him, saying –
“It promotes growth, and it is very powerful”.
And the VP went to the President, he spake unto him, saying –
“This powerful new plan will promote the growth of the company”.
And the President looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.
And then the President spake, “Implement the plan immediately!"
BEHOLD THE CONCEPTION OF THE PLAN.
In the beginning there was the plan, and the plan was without form.
And the darkness was on the faces of the plans implementers.
And they spake unto their manager, saying –
“It is a crock of unmentionable, and it stinketh”.
And the manager went to his boss, and he spake unto him, saying –
“It is a crock of unmentionable, and none may abide the odor thereof”.
And the boss went to his boss, and he spake unto him, saying –
“It is a container of unmentionable and it is very strong, such that none may abide before it”.
And the bosses boss went to his boss, and he spake unto him, saying –
“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength”.
And that boss went to the assistant VP, and he spake unto him, saying –
“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong”.
And the assistant VP went to the VP, and he spake unto him, saying –
“It promotes growth, and it is very powerful”.
And the VP went to the President, he spake unto him, saying –
“This powerful new plan will promote the growth of the company”.
And the President looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.
And then the President spake, “Implement the plan immediately!"
Sunday, October 22, 2006
78 - tshirt stuff
Here's something that should be (or may be) on a tshirt.
Stop using Jesus
as an excuse for being
a narrow-minded,
bigoted asshole.
Stop using Jesus
as an excuse for being
a narrow-minded,
bigoted asshole.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
76 - Rice
.
Is it just me or does she look like she's on Star Trek and is addressing the United Federation of Planets?
Is it just me or does she look like she's on Star Trek and is addressing the United Federation of Planets?
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
75 - More stuff
I heard this good quote that I thought I'd pass along. It's from a book called Late Bloomer. I don't know much about the book but the quote is worth passing along.
Home is where your stuff is.
The following is some insite from the author.
Fern Michaels: I was a daredevil when I was Cady's age. My four best friends and I used to sneak off and play at a place similar to the pond area where Cady and her friends played. We didn't have a zip line, but we used to swing from vines hanging from the trees. I also had an aunt who was considered wild and wicked (for those days), kind of like Cady's grandmother. I absolutely adored her. I grew up, and my aunt aged while I was involved in my own life. I was there at the end for her, but I can never find those missing years again.
To me, home is where "your stuff" is. What home looks like doesn't really matter. It's that special place where you can close the door and pretend to be invisible. Maybe it has an attic where you can play when it rains outside, or a big front porch where you can smooch with your boyfriend. Whatever it's like, home is that special place that says, I live here with my family.
I disagree with the people who say you can't go home again. I think in Late Bloomer I was trying to say you can "fix" anything if you try hard enough, and if you truly have the mind-set to be forgiving. Maybe I'm a Pollyanna, but I think everyone deserves a second chance.
Home is where your stuff is.
The following is some insite from the author.
Fern Michaels: I was a daredevil when I was Cady's age. My four best friends and I used to sneak off and play at a place similar to the pond area where Cady and her friends played. We didn't have a zip line, but we used to swing from vines hanging from the trees. I also had an aunt who was considered wild and wicked (for those days), kind of like Cady's grandmother. I absolutely adored her. I grew up, and my aunt aged while I was involved in my own life. I was there at the end for her, but I can never find those missing years again.
To me, home is where "your stuff" is. What home looks like doesn't really matter. It's that special place where you can close the door and pretend to be invisible. Maybe it has an attic where you can play when it rains outside, or a big front porch where you can smooch with your boyfriend. Whatever it's like, home is that special place that says, I live here with my family.
I disagree with the people who say you can't go home again. I think in Late Bloomer I was trying to say you can "fix" anything if you try hard enough, and if you truly have the mind-set to be forgiving. Maybe I'm a Pollyanna, but I think everyone deserves a second chance.
74 - The route to happiness
I haven't posted anything for awhile so I thought I'd go steal some info from another blog site. But it's good info! It's from http://numericlife.blogspot.com/ . If you go to their web site there are links to sources.
THE ROUTE TO HAPPINESS
In 2005, Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky developed a comprehensive model of sustainable happiness (General Psychology, 2005, 9, 111-131). The result was a theory which proposed that up to 50% of one’s happiness was rooted in a genetically determined set-point, 10% was related to circumstantial factors (nation of residence, demographics, culture, income, etc), and the remaining 40% was determined by intentional activities such as pursuing goals, looking at things optimistically, and being physically active.
THE ROUTE TO HAPPINESS
In 2005, Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky developed a comprehensive model of sustainable happiness (General Psychology, 2005, 9, 111-131). The result was a theory which proposed that up to 50% of one’s happiness was rooted in a genetically determined set-point, 10% was related to circumstantial factors (nation of residence, demographics, culture, income, etc), and the remaining 40% was determined by intentional activities such as pursuing goals, looking at things optimistically, and being physically active.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
73 - Fundamentalism
It's time to come up with a new naming scheme for fundamentalists of all religions. It should be similar the letter ‘a’ meaning ‘without’ when it’s in front of a word like ‘moral’ (amoral; without morals). So how about the letter or letters ‘f’ or ‘fu’ for fundamentalist? Islam would be Fislam, Christian would be Fuchristian, Jewish would be Fujewish, and so on. We need to have names to identify the crazies from the mainstream and so that the mainstream can disassociate from the crazies. Crazies meaning the ones that want to kill you or are willing to kill themselves along with you to prove that they’re right and your not.
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