524 - Take a deep breath --- NO WAIT !!!!

So what's happening today? Hey, how about people getting chemical exposure? How about hospitals getting locked down because these people showed up at emergency rooms around the area? Yes our great free enterprise system at work.

Apparently some good ol' boys working at a chemical factory today and working with p-Nitroaniline and knowing how bad it is, managed to send 6+ people to local hospitals today.

But this doesn't happen very often does it? Well take a look here. Where is Sauget, Illinois? Right across the Mississippi river in St. Clair county. About 10 to 15 miles from my house. Luckily the wind blows west to east most of the time. Not so lucky for those living to the east because of this.

Terrorist-schmerrorist!!!!
We'll kill ourselves before any terrorists can get us!

Main link to Scorecard.org
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523 - Mc & P

I guess McCain won't be talking about Obama's lack of experience anymore (NOT). And Hillary will be bashing Palin about being a woman. As Palin claims to be the new Hillary. And if McCain wins everyone will be praying that he doesn't die. And who knows WHAT will happen next! I know ... let me be the first to start the rumor that Palin is probably a communist because her name looks like Putin's name.





Link - Cagle cartoons
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522 - Gas mileage

True story. This happened years ago during the 70's gas crunch in the US. Picture a group of guys working together and one guy, Mr. Pain In The Butt, is going to buy a fuel efficient car. Mr. PITB endlessly brags about how good his gas mileage is going to be to the point that his coworkers are ready to kill him. Mr. PITB finally gets the car.

The coworkers, being the industrious hard working guys they are, come up with a plan. Every day somebody brings a gallon of gas to work in a gas can. During work, one of the guys goes out and puts the gas in Mr. PITBs new car. Mr. PITB is ecstatic about the mileage he is getting. Weeks go by and Mr. PITB hasn't had to put any gas in his new car. Mr. PITB finally has to fill up. His mileage was through the roof!

Then, just as you suspected, no more free gas. What happened to Mr. PITBs new cars' mileage!!! Why has the gas mileage suddenly gone dramatically down?!

I'm not sure how many trips to the dealer were generated to find out "what was wrong". And I'm not sure if Mr. PITB was ever told about the prank.

521 - In the middle

Let's stay in the middle for now and pick on both candidates.



Link - Mike Peters
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520 - Breaks over

When you were growing up there was always a kid that was a pain in the ass. You remember the type. Nonconformist, trouble maker, thorn in your side, juvenile delinquent, etc. Well here's a class picture. Can you pick out the class nemesis?



.

519 - Break time

I think it's time for a break. Now that I've harrased John into posting everyday he can cover for m.... WAIT ... he didn't post yesterday! Bilbo it's all yours. But anyway, it's time to shuffle the house. Move room A to room B and room B to room A. (try and read that without going cross eyed). I'm not sure what time I'm going to turn my computer off today and start moving things, but I'll check everybody one more time. Then who knows when I'll be back. When you're retired there is no reason to be in a hurry to do anything. Hopefully it won't be to long because blogging is my whole reason for existing ................ NOT!

518 - Short one today

With the Olympics going on right now, this one made me laugh.



Link - blondie
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517 - Quotes

Time for some quotes again.
----------------------------

"Reality is the only obstacle to happiness."
"Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world."

"Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?"
"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards".
"The highway of life is always under construction".
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Borrow money from pessimists ...... they don't expect to get paid back!"

"He who laughs last thinks slowest!"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!"

"Folks who think they must always speak the truth overlook another good choice ... silence."

516 - Addictions

If you didn't have enough to read yesterday, here's some more. The more researchers dig into addictions the more they seem to be genetic. The first article's on eating addiction. The second on smoking. And neither one is really that long. You can do this!

Link - Obesity drug
Link - Smoking addiction

Sorry but these links no longer work. They just go to the sites main page.
.

515 - Are you a cheater?

Here are three articles about cheating. The first two are about school tests but focus on the motivation behind cheating or not. The third is inspired from Rimas post yesterday. There are a lot of related articles associated with all three articles. I think the last one, along with related articles, will keep you reading for a while. One related article had me looking up the word "ictal".

Link - New Research Finds Free Will Can Keep Us Honest
Link - The Psychology Behind Students Who Don't Cheat


And then the third article starts off ----
"In many surveys, men typically report engaging in sex at earlier age, more often, and with more sexual partners than do women. However, a new study shows that some reported gender differences might show up because women don't always answer surveys honestly, but give answers they believe are expected of them."
----- Nooooooo!! REALLY????

Link - Women's Sexual Behaviors May Be Closer To Men's Than Previously Thought
.

514 - It's a challenge

This is a short editorial from the Post-Dispatch in St. Louis. But it covers a lot of ground.
----------------------

8-19-08 Try paronomasia to ease the pain of watching our heroes flip-flop their principles for electoral advantage. Currently, their ads and responses range from McCainical to Obaminable.

----------------------
I try to be paronomastically correct as often as possible. I can be paronomastic to a fault sometimes but I try not to get stuck in paronomasia all the time. You know what I mean?
Don't you just hate it when somebody finds a new word and won't let go of it.

Find out here what I'm talking about. Read the whole article.
.

513 - Three things

Drabble hit one here. He joined the ranks of the punny with a magic pun.


And I always wondered where those darwin car emblems came from.



And then there is this. A dear Abby article in the paper today. It cracked me up. Not that this guy should worry about what somebody else is wearing, but if he doesn't want to wear a ring then don't.
-------------------
DEAR ABBY: I despise wearing rings, which is a problem because I plan to become engaged. I'm OK with a plain wedding band, but baubles on appendages interfere with useful work and creativity, and they turn me off.
I have an expensive heirloom ring I would gladly give to my lady if she'd keep it in the safe deposit box where it belongs. I don't want to insure it, deal with it if she loses it, or know I caused her to be injured if a thug tried to steal it. If I give it to her, she'll want to wear it. She doesn't need an ornament to prove she's special or loved.

What can I use in lieu of an engagement ring? I'd rather give her an annuity or something useful. The thought of a $10,000 ring on a hand that belongs to a productive and intelligent working woman suggests self-indulgent exhibitionism.

I know I'm fighting an uphill battle, but my feelings are valid to me. I feel the same when I see rings in the workplace and socially. Why not just duct-tape a $1,000 bill to your forehead if you want to call attention to yourself? Any ideas? -- PRACTICAL IN DENVER
-------------------
I'm not even going to bother with DA's reply. I dislike jewelry to the max. Not that I care if other people wear it but it drives me nuts to have a ring or a watch or anything hanging on me. I really like the taping money to your forehead idea.

Links - drabble, grimmy, Dear Abby
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512 - Pastors ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: "PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT". The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS". This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN". The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10". This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE". The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is - Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
.

511 - Sunday extra - Indonesia

I was at the St. Louis zoo yesterday. We were walking through the ape exhibit and I saw this banner. I immediately thought of Amanda and Rima.


And NO, there is no subtle humor here. But now that I mention it....
.

510 - Quotes

I haven't done any quotes in a while. Situation fixed!
------------------------------------------------------

"If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself".
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?"
"Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?"
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."

"When all else fails, read the instructions."
"Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else."

"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard!"
"The problem with the gene pool is most people are in the shallow end!"

"No man knows less than the man who knows it all."
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine!"
.

509 - Driving without ....

Two posts today. This one just came back to mind so I'm getting it out there while I'm thinking about it.

I occasionally go to our local traffic court to see how justice is dispensed. It's mostly run of the mill things like speeding, failure to stop, tags out of date, etc.

But there was a little different situation the other night that bears repeating here. A woman was driving a car that had expired plates and no proof of insurance in the vehicle. Her excuse? It wasn't her car. She had borrowed a friends car and got pulled over by the police. The out come? Too bad. When you are driving a car (in Missouri) it's your responsibility to make sure it has valid plates and up to date proof of insurance.

I don't know how this would be handled in other states or countries, but it cost this woman around $300 to borrow a car. So if you drive someone else's car, check the plates, check for an up to date insurance card.

508 - Are you a terrorist?

Below is an Article from the ACLU. WAIT! Don't go away yet. It's an interesting article about how the TSA screens people. And there's is a Q&A test also.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is 7-year-old John Anderson from Minneapolis on the national Terrorist Watch List?

The truth is that we don’t know how he got on the Terrorist Watch List. Or if he can get off it. It took an Act of Congress to get Nelson Mandela, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, off the list.

This ever-growing and ineffective Watch List demonstrates what's wrong with the U.S. government’s current approach to security: it’s unfair and a waste of resources. And when our government wastes time and money like this, we are all put in more danger -- not less.

Take our national security quiz to learn about other frightening national security “tools.”

The questions above might be light hearted, but the problems Americans face everyday due to overzealous security measures are real.

According to USA Today:

John Anderson of Minneapolis, [now 7] was first stopped at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport in 2004, when his family took him for his first airplane ride to Disney World. "We checked in at the ticket counter, and the woman said in a stern voice, 'Who is John Anderson?' " says his mother, Christine Anderson. "I pointed to my stroller."

Her son is allowed to fly. But because his name is flagged, his family cannot print out a boarding pass for him online and he must check in at the ticket counter so an airline official can see that he's a child.

Link - Security test

507 - Old is.....

Well I thought the last post would get me some harassment from the girls but I guess not. So I'll pick on my retired self in a different vein. #5 is for you John.


'OLD IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD IS WHEN...
Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD IS WHEN...
Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes.
.

506 - New job

(I set this up to post at midnight. But did it work? Nooooo)

I feel so guilty about being retired and everyone else having to go to work. So I looked around and found a part time job I think I can handle. It's an outdoor job working around horses. It's called 'horse rider assistant'. It's kind of hard to explain but I have a picture of what the job entails here.
.

505 - Gun

Amanda is worried about her son getting toy guns for his birthday. Amanda should worry later on when her son starts bringing home guns like this.




I want one of these!!! So I can do a little plinking!!!
.

504 - OK OK here's the cartoons

Here's a continuation of yesterday.


Here's a continuation of ... the continuation.


And this is why God created fast food. It's one thing going to a restaurant and having to wait for them to make your food. It's a whole other thing having to make it yourSELF!


And here's what REALLY going to happen one of these days.



Links - duplex, pearls, nonsequitur, grimmy
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503 - It's My Job

I know you were expecting cartoons. You can still expect them, I won't stop you.


1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it .. I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center , but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. So, I tried retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB! (YES I AM! HA!!!)
.

502 - So why not Sunday too!

So why not post Sunday also (he says to himself). (he answers) Why not! And Bilbo can confirm this story.


A guy went into a government office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?' He replied, 'Yes - caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the military service?' 'Yes,' he replied. 'I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment.'

Then he asked, 'Are you disabled in any way?' The guy said, 'Yes....an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.' The interviewer grimaced and then said, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.'

'Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.'

The guy was puzzled and asks, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'

'This is a government job,' the interviewer said.'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'




This was an email joke from Frank. Rick, I'll get the pictures you sent out on Monday. It's going to take me more time than I've got now to copy and upload them.

501 - Saturday after all

So I'm posting Saturday on Friday. That's what "post options" are all about. Especially when the posts are short. This is a 'one video a day' site my daughter sent me. I was going back through previous days and ran across this one. Anyone that's been in a business meeting will appreciate this.
Link - Todays Big Thing

To get to the beginning you have to just use this URL http://www.todaysbigthing.com . Then you can start going back with the 'previous' button (next to the back arrow).

500 - 080808

The stars were in alignment for post 500 on 080808. It makes me miss our numbers guru Numeric Life. Maybe 1 day she'll come back 2 us.

Now to go to the subjects of art and money. Stuff like this is so funny it's sad. (you know, I think I just heard that funny/sad line recently)


Link - Speed Bump

This goes along with my old post 9 which I think is a classic.


And I think with post 500 I'll wrap it up .... for a few days. I'm going to pull a Bilbo and go away for the weekend. And when I get back we'll see what cartoons he came up with on Saturday. I've got a few laying here and if I don't see them Saturday, you will on Monday.

(notice the post time - 1234 - this is just a numbers kind of day)

----- change of plans - I preposted Saturday and Sunday with 'post options' ----
.

499 - New site to go look at

I won't hold you up here because you've got a lot of reading to do. Here's a site called 'stuff white people like'. Needless to say it's a sarcastic humor site. But the really irritating thing about the site is that it was started in January of this year and according to the site has over 38,000,000 hits. As of my posting the site has 106 posts. But some of the posts have 3000 to 4000 comments. You have to see for yourself.

Link - SWPL
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498 - New Office Policy

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be referred to the company's mental health provider.


Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
.

497 - Election rhetoric

Well the in depth intellectual debating has begun. And it's only August. So here's McCain shooting himself in the foot with trash advertising. And while he's at it he shoots his other foot for good measure by trashing a donor's kid.


Link - Mike Peters
.

496 - How's he doing that?

Was trying to think about what to blog about tonight when an idea walked right into my room. I heard my son coming down the hall talking to someone. I thought he was on his cell phone. But when he came into the room there was no cell phone in site. Who was he talking to? How was he talk to?

He had a game pad in his hand and a headset connected to the game pad. So he was talking to somebody, 1 - through the headset, 2 - the gamepad, 3 - wirelessly to his Xbox in the basement, 4 - through the Xbox connected to our home router, 5 - through the internet, 6- to wherever.

Give me a good ol' wired telephone anytime. By the time digital TV gets in full swing, and the government lets wireless devices start using the bands BETWEEN the digital channels (yes they are talking about that), there will be so many wireless devices everyone will be on one big conference call.

495 - Small world

I got two responses to my 'site meter' problem from Bilbo and Lumo. Bilbo you all know about. (take that anyway you want) Lumo on the other hand was a first time commenter.

I went to Lumo's site thinking maybe he's a new blogger. .... No .... Not even close. His profile has nearly 88,000 views on it. But the really strange thing is where he is from - The Czech Republic. Why is that strange? Because that's where my father's Grandparents emigrated from, both sets of them.

One of these days I might go back to the old homeland. Maybe I'll look Lumo up. Or I could have Lumo and Rima meet me in Prague. And John can go with us. That way our plane will get priority handling by air traffic control.

494 - Site broken

Well I'm get an error message that crashes IE explorer. I don't have time to mess with it now because I have to get ready for a Habitat for Humanity project tomorrow (today). If you can get to my site, leave a message to that effect.
.... later ....
I found out it's a problem with scripting. Now I just have to figure out which script is causing the problem. Hey, it's something interesting to do.
.... later ....
And since I'm up anyway I decided to see if I could figure it out. It seems that "Site Meter" is crashing IE. Don't know why, but I have it commented out in the template now so everything is working again. I'll do more investigating when I have time.
.... not much later ....
Seems I can't go to sitemeter at all. See if you can get to it and let me know.
.... much much later ....
Everything seems to be working again at site meter although I haven't reactivated it yet.

493 - New quote

After posting the "you make me sick" banner in my last post I had a thought that I've just turned into a quote.

Jesus was not a fundamentalist.
If he was we would all still be Jewish.

So then I thought, I wonder if anybody has thought of this before. I googled the first line. Only SIX hits! And none with the second line! A new quote is born!

I'm not going to think about this to much because anybody can pick anything apart, especially me. Post and go!

Here's some stuff from the one of the hits I did get. They're from 2006.

------------------------------------------------------

I wonder if the rise of fundamentalism is a direct result to the increased anxiety of our culture. Jesus was not a fundamentalist. He struggled with the fundamentalists of his age, who by their own anxiety determined they would provide a pure path for people to follow and looked down all others who refused to follow.

We live in an age increased uncertainty. We no longer have clear enemies, what we thought we could count on has gone. We are in every measurable way better off than any previous generation, yet there a feeling that there is something wrong. Fundamentalism provides the certainty we long for.

Comment by kent — August 25, 2006



Here's some text from the site.

There is a conviction among Neo-Fundamentalists that one can’t err if one gets too conservative, but that is the sin of what I called “zealotry.”

What I can’t understand is why people want to go there: its history is predictable. Though I’m no prophet, this is what I think might occur:

It will become insular and separatistic,
it will become divisive and accusatory from within,
it will lack grace,
it will create Christians who are not free in the Spirit but who will be rigid and intolerant,
it will become socially withdrawn,
it will lose a prophetic voice because it will lose contact with culture,
it will attract angry, defensive, and mean-spirited individuals… I could go on.