930 - Only Bilbo knows

Knows what? What all this verbiage means. I got 4 of them. I also spell checked and had to change 4 nonexistant words. So yes, all the following words are real.

****************************
See how many of these well known rephrased phrases you can recognize.


1. Scintillate, scintillate, mini asteroid

2. Surveillance should precede escalation

3. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate

4. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity

5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid

6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude

7. The stylus is more potent than the scimitar

8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers

9. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion

10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees F.

11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

12. Where there are visible vapors having their prevalence in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.






ANSWERS:
1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
2. Look before you leap.
3. Birds of a feather flock together.
4. Beauty is only skin deep.
5. No use crying over spilt milk.
6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
8. Can't teach an old dog new tricks.
9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
10. A watched pot never boils.
11. All that glitters is not gold.
12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.

929 - Welcome to America

One trouble with people coming to America from other countries is that they bring their culture with them. Most of the time good. But sometimes not. Mix the internet in and you can come up with some really bizarre stuff.

Two Bosnian guys in North Dakota decided to help the one's son fulfill an internet love quest. The problem was that the son was 14 and the girl was 14. And the girl was in another state, Kentucky. Problem? We ain't got no problem. Let's drive to Kentucky and pick her up and bring her back to North Dakota.

They drive to the girls school, go in during the school day and try to sign her out. Guess who's in jail.

Here's the best internet story that describes it the best that I could find.
14 YEAR OLD

To see all the stories do a google search on - "14 year old" "Kentucky" "North Dakota".

 

928 - Go back

Short post today. Go back and reread post 926. Then look at Amanda's comment. It's funnier than the post. She one upped me with a true story.

 

927 - Puter stuff

Sometimes I forget to do little maintinance things on my computer. One thing I do is run Crap Cleaner. It deletes EVERYTHING that can slow your PC down. And it's a freeby. If you uncheck cookies it will leave them but there are to many cookies that need to be deleted so I just run the whole default list.

That can leave you with typing in logon's and passwords again. Well there's a solution for that too. It's called Hotkey. And it's a freeby. You can load each logon and password to a different key and with two keystrokes it's all filled in.

Now that I've run CCleaner I need to go and sign back into BlogLog so everyone knows who I am.

 

926 - Cyber creation

A little boy goes to his mother and asks 'Mommy, how was I born?' The mother answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Dad and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Dad and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your father agreed to a download his hard drive. As soon as he was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'Amanda, you've got male.'

925 - Heartwarming story

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin' sheet rock.'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

******************

Bandit didn't send this one to me. Frank did.

924 - Gone

Bad Becky bad.

Well like I said in the comments yesterday Bandit wants more pictures. He sends emails with pictures to post but typically they have about 15 to 20 pictures in them and that's just way to much work. And besides, as Becky found out, pictures can get you in trouble.

Becky is a headstrong diehard libertarian lesbian. And she liked to post pictures. I would visit her once in awhile to she what she collected and shared. Pictures like the UPS girl or the rainbow girl. These pictures have been up for awhile so I'm not sure what got her on the wrong side of the blogger Nazi's but she did and 'she been banned'.

Here's the attempt to get to her site.

Here's a link to some posting of complaints about blogger blocking her blog. Read the second friendly post from the BHF helpers.

And here's Beckys' farewell post. Sort of. And then she has moved to Facebook but not with the flair of blogger.

So watch what you post. The PC people are out there reporting you. Let's change that abbreviation for politically correct people to PCP. I think it's more appropriate.

923 - Alerts

Well were back to the terrorist alert stuff. I guess the healthcare issue was getting boring. Let alone the swine flu. HEY! What happened to the swine flu anyway? Maybe a little prevention was the cure.





 

922 - Darwin Awards

How long has it been since you've been to the Darwin Awards site? I think the St. Louis area just came up with a leading candidate for the award winner this year. I think the conversation between the boy friend and girl friend went something like this -

Boy friend - You can never be to careful with guns.

Girl friend - What do you mean?

BF - You should always have the safety on when you're handling a gun.

GF - Really?

BF - Yep, when you have the safety on you can put the gun up to your head, pull the trigger and noth... BLAM

921 - The Death of Conservatism

The Death of Conservatism - The title of a book by Sam Tanenhaus. He says moderate conservatism is being totally replaced by the radical right. He still thinks there's hope to pull most of the conservatives back towards the middle. Wouldn't that be nice.


SAM

Here's a link to a Bill Moyers interview with Sam on PBS. (25 min +-)

Here's a link to a Newsweek interview.

920 - We're number 1 !!!

Who's number one? The state of Missouri! In what? Making bullets. I read an article that says the Lake City Missouri ammunition plant pumps out more bullets than any other plant in the world! And the demand is so high right now they go directly from the plant to users. No time to warehouse these babies. We need them now!

Here's a TIME picture article about the plant.



 

919 - I'm back deer

I wasn't sure how long the trip was going to be. It was about 3 hours from St. Louis for a funeral. Wifes' cousin. So Claudia got to make contact with a bunch of relatives she hasn't seen for awhile. One of her cousins came in from DC. She used to work for some congressmen. She doesn't anymore. She's a ...... lobbyist. And she's to cute to kill.

So on to the dear deer. We've been seeing more of the new suburban rat, better know as deer, around our house recently. And that's after the 80 acres across from us got developed years ago. There were some in my neighbors yard last week. 3 of them just standing there staring at me until they finally decided to leave. Saw 6 more along side the road as I was driving a couple of days ago.

Then there was yesterday up at Claudia's aunt's house where we stayed overnight. It was around 3 in the afternoon and I was outside her house which is next to a small patch of woods. There had been a bunch of squirrels running around so when I heard the crunch crunch I'm thinking squirrels running through the leaves. I turn around and there's a deer that had come up behind me and was munching on some tree leaves. It was about 7-8 feet away from me. It stared at me while I stared back.

So I said 'hello there'. Gone, like a flash. Just like I remember in the old days at the bars. It ran about 100 feet away and stopped. Then a deer friend came out from around the house next door and trotted down to the other one. Then they both left. Just like......

918 - Gone

I'm already gone. And I'm feelin' fine. What song is that? I guess I'll find out when I get back. Get Back. Get back to where I .... What?

917 - Got it

Well, Claudia picked it up. Now all I have to do is find time to read it.



 

916 - Little Johnny

Remember Little Johnny jokes? You have to have a little time under your belt to remember to good ones. Anyway, I found some postable ones that don't have a XXX rating. Someone even threw in some updated ones. (I remember the first one)

Then I thought, I wonder if the internet can find somemore little Johnny jokes? Holy moly! Do a search. I put a more postable one at the end.

**************************

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

-----------------
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

-----------------
The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

-----------------
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

-----------------
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

-----------------

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."


 

915 - Two Blondes With Hammers

New twist on an old joke.

*************************

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Dolly and Danae, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Dolly, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Danae, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Dolly explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Danae got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

914 - New world order

I was googling when an ad popped up on the side that caught my eye. I usually don't click on that stuff but .... Anyway, I found out that Barack Obama is trying to set up a new world order. Apparently he's made a deal with the guys that put the eye at the top of the pyramid on the one dollar bill. AND I THOUGHT THE CONSERVATIVES DID THAT! Now I'm really confused.

Next thing you know we'll find out that Obama has joined Opus Die. Unless ....... unless he was in it all along and he's just a part of the grand plot to control the world!

You can find out more HERE. But be warned! It's scary. It's one of those sites that won't let you leave. You know, where the back button just takes you to another sales page.

Oh, did I forget to mention that you can't find out about the conspiracy unless you buy the pamphlet? Or the book. Or other stuff they're trying to sell you? That's why I'm pretty sure these are right wing crazies. Because most left wingers usually give you their conspiracy stuff. The ring wingers want you to buy it. Its that capitalist thing. (Your going to die and for $9.99 you can find out how)

Speaking of buying things, have you ordered your new Dan Brown book yet? 40% off on preorders at Borders. I hear it's all true. The 40% anyway.


And Uncle Jay.

 

913 - Stoned

I subscribe to Rolling Stone off and on. I think they have some good articles every now and then about our political culture. I found one on line about our health care debacle going on right now. It's a typical RS article. Lots of reading to do.

STONED



Don't forget today is Friday the 13th!

912 - Contact

What kind of contact? Are you trying to start an old airplane? Have aliens arrived? (No not that kind! The real outer space kind.) ... Back to contact, eye contact. The old saying you tell a lot about a person by looking them in the eye may not be true. As a matter of fact, you may really be pissing somebody off by looking them in the eye. A lot depends on the culture your in.

Here's some pieces from articles that are from a site to be named later.
***********
People of European descent (tend)to interpret lack of direct eye contact as indicating evasiveness... direct eye contact among the Cree and Ojibway of northwestern Ontario was a sign of disrespect as 'you only look inferiors straight in the eye.'
Ross Green

Looking straight into someone's eyes is like taking a peak into their thoughts, and I just don't feel comfortable with it.
Ivan Pope

In many Native American cultures the eyes are believed to be the window to the soul. If you look someone directly in the eye, you could steal their soul. Or they could steal yours. In order to avoid inadvertent soul loss/theft, eye contact may be avoided.
Geri-Ann Galanti

Among Hispanics, avoidance of direct eye contact is sometimes seen as a sign of attentiveness and respect, while sustained direct eye contact may be interpreted as a challenge to authority.

When you are dealing with Japanese and they seemingly avoid looking you in the eye, far from being rude or untrustworthy, they are being polite and non-confrontational.
****************

Of course every culture has its exceptions. What? Look me in the eye and say that! No don't! WAIT..... Here's LATER.

 

911 - The system or the date?

9-1-1 will always be the system to me. I spent to many days and nights helping set up the first 911 system in St. Louis years ago when I worked for the real phone company.


That said, Bandit keeps trying to trick me. He sent me this email -

*****************
Turn your sound on for this. Read this first, then watch.

This is almost unbelievable. See how all of the balls wind up in catcher cones..

This incredible machine was built as a collaborative effort between the Robert M. Trammell Music Conservatory and the Sharon Wick School of Engineering at the University of Iowa . Amazingly, 97% of the machine's components came from John Deere Industries and Irrigation Equipment of Bancroft , Iowa ....Yes, farm equipment!

It took the team a combined 13,029 hours of set-up, alignment, calibration, and tuning before filming this video but as you can see it was WELL worth the effort.

It is now on display in the Matthew Gerhard Alumni Hall at the University and is already slated to be donated to the Smithsonian.

*********************

There is a video attached to the email. You can see the video at http://www.animusic.com/popups/clip-pipe-wm.html . The main site has a lot of other video clips too. I think this is viral marketing by Animusic.

 

910 - Fake

Bandit sent me some military pictures and it seemed like I'd seen them before but couldn't be sure. Here's a picture of the brand new F/A 37. The newest secret fighter jet.


Looks real doesn't it? Well guess what. It's a movie prop. Here's the movie.


The movie is from 2005. I don't remember it. It looks like it might be interesting. But the email going around right now is actually from 2004.

It has the FA37 (fake), a picture of 3 carrier groups together (probably real), the new Boeing 797 passenger jet (fake), and the USS New York, a ship made from World Trade Center steel (real).

The pictures are cool, real or not. Way to many to post here. If anyone is interested in seeing them, email me and I'll forward the email to you.

 

909 - The dilemma

Another blogger sent this to me but will remain unnamed. As I read this I thought this is an oldie but goodie. But it got gooder. It will come back to you to as you read it. Until the end.

********************

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because senior health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

************************

And don't forget, twice today it will be 090909090909.

 

908 - The chief

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, chief! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

907 - Circle walking

I had this happen to me the other day. I've been in a particular neighborhood many times. But I always enter it from a certain direction. I came in from a different direction and had to sit at an intersection and think "which way do I turn?". I found this article at ..... someplace.

*******************

With countless thousands of Americans hitting the hiking trails this month for one last summer adventure, it’s a sure bet that some of them will get lost along the way. Those fortunate enough to make it back may be convinced that they spent hours walking in circles.

Scientists in Germany reported Thursday that this often-described sense of lost-hiker déjà vu, of having inadvertently backtracked while wandering in the woods, is real. “People really do walk in circles,” said Jan L. Souman of the Max Planck Institute for Biological Cybernetics in Tübingen.

Dr. Souman, who studies multisensory perception, and his colleagues tracked the movements of volunteers sent into the wilds of a German forest and the desert sands of Tunisia. As long as the sun or moon was out, the volunteers were able to walk in a straight line, more or less. But on cloudy days or when the moon went down they looped back on themselves, often several times.

Under those conditions, Dr. Souman said, the brain appears to be lacking a fundamental visual cue to help make sense of the jumble of other data it is receiving.

“The brain has different sources of information for almost everything,” said Dr. Souman, who admitted to having walked in circles for hours once in the urban jungle that is Istanbul. There’s a complicated interplay of different senses, he said. Those cues — images flowing over the retina, the sense of acceleration or turning in the inner ear, even how the muscles and bones are moving — are combined in the brain to give a sense of where the body is going.

“But all those information sources are kind of relative,” he said. “They don’t tell you you are moving in the same direction as an hour ago.” For that, a view of the sun or moon or a prominent landmark like a distant mountaintop seems necessary. “You need those kinds of absolute cues,” he said.

The findings, published in the journal Current Biology, don’t surprise many back-country guides, rescuers and other hiking experts, who say that to avoid walking in circles or otherwise getting lost, hikers should rely on a simple compass, or a more complicated device like a G.P.S. unit, rather than themselves.

“You cannot trust your own senses at all,” said Carol Stone White, an author and editor who has chronicled hikers’ exploits, awesome and otherwise, in “Adirondack Peak Experiences” and other books.

Just about everybody who has spent considerable time in the woods has probably experienced being lost and feeling like they’ve become turned around, said Carroll M. Ware, a licensed Maine guide. “If they’ll admit it,” he added.

906 - Quotes

Here's some quotes without authors. I guess that just makes them sayings. So here's some sayings that I didn't bother checking the internet for authors ..... of ..... you know what I mean.

*******************

A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself.

What a man can be, he must be.

I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail. (Sometimes I'm glad I don't have a hammer next to the computer)

Education is learning to grow, learning what to grow toward, learning what is good and bad, learning what is desirable and undesirable, learning what to choose and what not to choose.

The story of the human race is the story of men and women selling themselves short.

Victory depends on whether or not a duelist has the courage to fight until the bitter end.

What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.

If you plan on being anything less than you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy all the days of your life.

The way to recover the meaning of life and the worthwhileness of life is to recover the power of experience, to have impulse voices from within, and to be able to hear these impulse voices from within-and make the point: This can be done. (what?)

The good society is one in which virtue pays.

Laugh at what you hold sacred, and still hold it sacred.

You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety.

 

905 - The party

The party begins at 905. That was the sales pitch line for a chain of liquor stores here in St. Louis. 905 is long gone though. I did a google search and got 19 hits. Most of the hits were in historical blogs or sites, but no pictures. Oh well. On to the second party.

It's the "Is Bilbo getting home in time to post cartoon Saturday" party. If not, this is Mike's cartoon Saturday. If he did, this is Mike's backup cartoon Saturday. But remember (not that I would let you forget), Mike's retired. EVERY day is Saturday!!

So I haven't borrowed anything from Mike Peters for awhile. Let's see what kind of theme we can put together.



Hey, how about this. Town hall meeting are getting to be like hockey games. It's just one more step before the fights break out.


Larry King has both these guys beat, both of them put together.


I think this is what's really secretly pissing off a lot of the conservatives. But they're being politically correct and complaining about everything else under the sun.


Does this void everything that Washington signed?


John, We need your help on this one.


And this one too.

904 - Tech Support

Here's a few lines from calls to tech support. Sort of like 'Not always right', but only for computers. I think number 8 is the best with 12 a close second.

************************

Tech Support
Reportedly, all of the following exchanges really happened.

1. Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A gray one.

2. Customer: I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

3. Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left side of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

4. Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!

5. Customer: Hi, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it.

6. Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.............. thank you.

7. Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

8. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.

9. Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.
Customer: Is the 7 in capital letters?

10. Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

11. Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

12. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend put a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

13. Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

14. A customer called the Canon help desk about a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

15. Tech support: Okay, press the 'control' and 'escape' keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now press the 'P' key to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a 'P' key.
Tech support: On your keyboard.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'..... on your keyboard.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT !!! ( Click - dial tone )

 

903 - Trivia Test

Here's a trivia qiuz. I got 2 out of 12 which is pretty good for me. But I should have gotten a few others. The answers are at the end of this post. I looked up some stuff and found one glitch but it really didn't make a difference.

****************************

Quiz For People Who Think They Know Everthing
Just when you thought you knew everything.

1. There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? (I got this one)

7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.

8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? (Wikipedia has 15) (No fair looking at your keyboard) (I got this one) (Yes I looked at the keyboard)

9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"

10. There are seven ways a base ball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other six. (The last one is tricky)

11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S." (The answer lists 10)

ANSWERS BELOW........











Answers To Quiz
1.*** Boxing.

2.*** Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3.*** What are the only two perennial vegetables? Asparagus and rhubarb.

4.*** Baseball.

5.*** Strawberry.

6.*** The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

7.*** Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

8.*** Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

9.*** In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.

10.*** Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.

11.*** Lettuce.

12.*** Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

902 - Dogs

Here's a funny story about dogs, pills and farts. Dogs and pills are not much of a problem for me. Take some bread, spread on some peanut butter, put the pill in the middle, stick my hand out, try not to lose a finger. But here's the story I found about somebody that hasn't figured that out yet.

********************

My dog has to take these pills. She has something wrong with her gastrointestinal tract.

The gastrointestinal tract of a dog represents all that I find objectionable about the species. From the teeth that chew the toes out of my shoes, the wet tongue that awakens me at 6:00 AM on a Saturday, the throat which produces frantic barking when the neighbors commit the crime of walking in their own driveway, the stomach which made room for an entire leg of lamb on Easter when I left the room for half an hour, to the production center which plops dog stools all over the back yard---I don't want her gastrointestinal tract cured, I want it REMOVED.

Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely fond of my dog, the only creature in the house who treats me with something other than contempt.

Me: "No one is going anywhere until the garage is cleaned up!" Children: "We hate you!" Dog: Wag wag wag.

The dog's current affliction made itself known to me one night with the sound of a balloon being released. I opened my eyes, half expecting to see my dog flying around the room in circles until totally deflated. Instead, I was treated to the olfactory equivalent of a hydrogen bomb--it was as if our bedroom had become the staging area for Saddam Hussein's biological warfare program.

"Oh my God! Get out! Get out!" I shouted. "You always blame the dog," my wife mumbled.

I assumed that what the kids soon came to refer to as the dog's "butt blasters" would pass once whatever she had eaten, roadkill or my new suit or the couch in the basement, had found its way down the alimentary canal and out onto my lawn. When, after a few days, this proved not to be the case, I took the dog to the vet and was given some pills to administer twice a day.

The vet's instructions made the process of giving medicine to a dog sound pretty easy: open her mouth, pitch the tablet onto the back of her tongue, and stroke her throat until she swallows.

The reality is that administering a pill to a dog is like trying to give a root canal to a great white shark. The process starts with opening the medicine bottle, which alerts the dog that the games are about to begin. She sits upright, ears cocked, lips slightly drawn back to remind me that she has relatives in Africa who are pulling down water buffalo. I approach my pet with a piece of limp bologna in my hand to disguise the existence of the capsule of anti-butt blaster medication, making friendly "I'm not going to give you a pill" sounds.

She doesn't buy it. Her ears drop back flat against her skull and she slinks to the ground, eyes cold as they dart from me to couch, gauging the gap even as I maneuver to close it. "Want some bologna?" I suggest.

At the sound of my voice she explodes into action, streaking across the floor. The kids lunge from the kitchen, cutting off that avenue. She brakes and swerves and I dive, rolling on the carpet. I grab fruitlessly at the air. With a click of teeth, the bologna vanishes, the pill bouncing away. A lamp crashes over as I come to a stop.

The few times I have managed to grip her by the jaws and force the medicine down her throat, it has come firing back out as if shot from a pellet gun. Worse, the exertion triggers the very symptom the pills are supposed to address, so that I am caught trying to run around the room without BREATHING. The children abandon me at this point, leaving me alone with the butt blaster. When I finally am forced to inhale, my eyes tear so badly I can no longer see my adversary.

Frankly, I don't think the dog WANTS to get better. This is the same animal who delights in rolling in dead squirrel parts, so that her fur is imbued with a stench is so powerful every canine in the neighborhood howls with envy. Whenever she rattles the room with a butt blaster, her eyes take on a radiant gleam, a "hey, that was my best one yet!" expression which is undiminished by the fact that the rest of her family is gagging and falling to the floor.

My son claims to have an idea which will solve our problem. I'm not sure what he has in mind, but when I told him I was ready to try anything he began assembling a pile of tools which included his slingshot and a fifty foot garden hose. Now he is filling water balloons with beef bullion and talking to himself about the "end of butt blaster as we know it."

The dog, watching from the corner, doesn't look very worried to me.

Bruce Cameron

 

901 - Pictures

The other day I followed a link from a blog to another site. I spent so much time on the other site I forgot what site I came from. I hit the back button to see where it would take me back to. This could be one of those times for you.

I know everyone has seen the big picture made up of smaller picture things. This is a variation on that theme. It's big pictures that make up hugh pictures. When you get to a picture that says ~ Active grid - click on panels to see more ~ do it.




MURALS

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