990 - Toons

This cartoon goes along with the John Stewart video clip I posted a couple of days ago.



This cartoon goes along with 2000 to 2008.



I'll be waiting for my birthday presents today. I assume since none have shown up yet that everyone is sending them UPS or FedEx so they arrive on the exact day. I love surprises.

 

989 - Christmas ... and scams

It's late, I'm tired, and somebody already typed this stuff already. For the 12 Scams of Christmas, go to the link back there <.

 

988 - Well?

Knowing what happens to Ziggy I don't think the well means it. So, would a wishing well wish you well if the well could wish you well. WELL?


And then I found this on another blog of a friend of a friends blo.... you know.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Sean Hannity Uses Glenn Beck's Protest Footage
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

 

987 - Kids and logic

When I saw this cartoon I thought of Amandas' post from Wednesday. She had been trying to be logical with Aaron and it backfired on her. Kids can out logic an adult any day of the week.



 

986 - Turkey day - or not

Turkey day depends on which side of the fork you're on. It might not be your day at all.


That's not true. I love your thighs best.



Hopefully he doesn't need more light.



I don't think I'd want to be even that close to a blind guy with an axe.



Anybody that lets somebody get away with that much stuffing is a turkey.



Big thighs are a good thing all the time.



If you're in the USA, Happy Thanksgiving. Otherwise happy Thursday.

 

985 - Gilda

Gilahi had a short clip of Gilda Radner on a post a couple of days ago. That got me looking around for any videos of her. There were a lot of copy cat skits but I finally found a real one.



 

984 - Quotes

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”
      Seneca (Roman philosopher, mid-1st century AD)

More from Seneca -

“Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

“Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.”

“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.”

“There is no great genius without some touch of madness.”

“Time discovers truth.”

“You will not die because you are ill, but because you are alive”

“True happiness is... to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future.”

“We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.”

“A man's as miserable as he thinks he is.”

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.”

“He is most powerful who has power over himself”

 

983 - Cleaning the window

This one's been around awhile but not tooooo long. So you might not have seen it. Bandit the dog cookie guy sent this to me. It's on Youtube but this link took it one step further and blew it up full screen. Full messy screen cleaner.

VIDEO


If you want some cheesy music too, go to youtube and search "pug cleans the screen".

 

982 - Canucks

Found another one from Canada this time. You know. The country with a great health care system. I think we all ought to move there.

**************************

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks . . . .

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, You may live in Canada.

If someone in a Home Depot store Offers you assistance and they don't work there, You may live in Canada.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You may live in Canada.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation With someone who dialed a wrong number, You may live in Canada.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend, You may live in Canada.

If you measure distance in hours, You may live in Canada.

If you know several people Who have hit a deer more than once, You may live in Canada.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' In the same day and back again, You may live in Canada.

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow During a raging blizzard without flinching, You may live in Canada.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, But leave both unlocked, You may live in Canada.

If you carry jumpers in your car And your wife knows how to use them, You may live in Canada.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume To fit over a snowsuit, You may live in Canada.

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km, You're going 90 and everybody is passing you, You may live in Canada.

If driving is better in the winter Because the potholes are filled with snow, You may live in Canada.

If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, And road construction, You may live in Canada.

If you have more miles On your snow blower than your car, You may live in Canada.

If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', You may live in Canada.

If you actually understand these jokes, And forward them to all Your Canadian friends & others, You definitely live in Canada.

 

981 - Talking dog

I ran across this old joke. Haven't heard it in awhile but it's a good one that needs to be told again.

**************************

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

 

980 - demote

I found another demotivational poster site. It's different than the other one that I posted about before. (much before) (so much before I can't find it from before)
(click to big 'em)

I've seen a variation of this poster but I like this one better. It has an extra instruction.



This one is a subtle one. Poor Jeffery.



Lots more on the site.

979 - Charlton Heston's Basement

Peek-a-boo. Who's in there? With a safe door like this must be something important.


Why it's Heston's gun collection. And a few flame throwers thrown in.
CLIG

What's a gun room without a shooting range?
CLIG


 

978 - Exactly

Roused from an older post about geek t-shirts, I thought this would go along with yesterdays' post really well.



 

977 - I feel much better now.

YEA!!!!!!! We're all normal. Whatever that means. I'm hoping for a lot of comments or I'll feel reaaallly lonely.

CLIG (click it to big it)(a new internet word)


 

976 - Haunting

Questions That Haunt Me - No not me. The guy that wrote this list.

************************************

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

975 - Subway

Not the sandwich shop. The real place. There's a new site that's copying the 'people of walmart' site. It's called ...... wait ...... I've got it here somewhere ...... HEY, it's the public transit people site. So Bilbo, you need to be careful what your doing and wearing on the bus because a lot of these pictures are coming from the east coast. (there's video's too)

I think a new trend has started in websites. People of ...... I wonder which one my picture is going to wind up on. People picking their ........? NO WAIT! People falling off roofs!

Here's one of the funnier subway pictures.



 

974 - This seemed fishy.

Here's a short one. There are three entries on this (tweet?). I read the last entry and laughed but thought, this kid must be joking. Then I reread the first entry and thought, probably not.



 

973 - Me shopping?

Bandit sent me this one. I think it's a joke floating around the net right now. But after I read it I thought this could be a 'things to do' list. I could do some of these with no problem.

********************************


WHY MY WIFE WONT TAKE ME SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Smith,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 16: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 3: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 8: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 20: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

5. August 5: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 15: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 18: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 24: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 5: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 12: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 4: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 7: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 19: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'



It wasn't until I typed the date that I realized what day it is this month. The real thing!

972 - Cash

Here's a quickie note from AARP. Use cash instead of credit. OK.... WAIT.... Don't they tell you that if you use cash you should track all your transactions so you know where your money is going? The thing that the credit card does already? And if you lose your credit card you lose $50. Not so with cash. And it wouldn't surprise me if soon there is a fee for using cash.

971 - What's that mean?

What's in a name? Or more to the point these days, what's in an acronym? U no wht I mn? Sometimes it can get you in trouble, acting like you know what somebodies saying. Here's an example from 'Fail blog'. It's shows that this mom should have looked up the acronym in the urban dictionary before using it.



I'd seen the acronym MILF before but never looked it up. Check the link then reread the failed email. Turns out this is an old one. (In computer user years)
- Word made famous by the classic movie "American Pie". (1999) -
- Music ~ Stacy's mom ~ because she's got it going on. (2003) -

 

970 - Guys Rules For Women

I went searching for something to post today and hit this the very first thing. I guess I was lucky. Or maybe not.

*****************************

Guys Rules For Women
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5. Crying is blackmail.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9. A headache that lasts for 15 months is a problem. See a doctor.

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

11. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

12. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

15. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

17. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

23. You have enough clothes.

24. You have too many shoes.

25. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

969 - IQ and RQ

IQ and RQ, which is better? Both. George Bush had high IQ but low RQ. Obama has both high IQ and RQ. (RQ - rationality quotient) Here's a few bits from the WHOLE NEWSCIENTIST article. The article doesn't take that long to read but there are a lot of links.

'IQ is only part of what it means to be smart.'

Think of our minds as searchlights. IQ measures the brightness of the searchlight, but where we point it also matters.

'those who displayed better rational-thinking skills suffered significantly fewer negative events in their lives'

"But I would very seriously consider RQ tests as a way of selecting managers or leaders, particularly if I wanted a style of leadership that is thorough and not overly impulsive."


On the following test I knew the first two obvious answers were wrong but it took me a few minutes to figure out why. The third one was obvious because I've seen variations of it on many other tests.

Test your thinking
When researchers put the following three problems to 3400 students in the US, only 17 per cent got all three right. Can you do any better?

1) A bat and a ball cost $1.10 in total. The bat costs $1 more than the ball. How much does the ball cost?

2) If it takes five machines 5 minutes to make five widgets, how long would it take 100 machines to make 100 widgets?

3) In a lake, there is a patch of lily pads. Every day, the patch doubles in size. If it takes 48 days for the patch to cover the entire lake, how long would it take for the patch to cover half of it?

[For answers, go to end of post]


Some advice to up your RQ.

How to avoid making foolish decisions
It's easy for your mind to lead you up the garden path when it comes to making a good decision. Below are ways to avoid the common pitfalls.

CLEAR YOUR MIND
Judgements can often be based on a piece of information you have recently had in mind, even if it is irrelevant. For example, bidding high at an auction after pondering the height of the tallest person in the room.

DON'T FALL FOUL OF SPIN
We have an inclination to be strongly influenced by the way a problem is framed. For instance, people are more likely to spend a monetary award immediately if they are told it is a bonus, compared with a rebate.

DON'T LET EMOTIONS GET IN THE WAY
They often interfere with our assessment of risk. One example is our natural reluctance to cut our losses on a falling investment because it might start rising again.

BE FACT BASED
Don't allow your beliefs and opinions to cloud your analysis.

THINK CAREFULLY ABOUT THE LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES
When considering how a course of action will make you feel, talk to someone who has been through a similar situation rather than try to imagine your future state of mind; run mental movies about how an option might play out.

LOOK BEYOND THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION
Don't accept the first thing that pops into your head.


Answers: 1) 5 cents, 2) 5 minutes, 3) 47 days

I think I'm going to leave this post here a few days so it at least picks up the Monday crowd.

968 - Compassion & Forgiveness

Compassion & Forgiveness (the conservative way)

Email joke from a con friend. This actually is kind of funny.

*************************

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster. He was extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that, to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

 

967 - Crash

This alcohol smashing video has been popping up around the net. But I found a version with a TV anchor woman that sounds like she might have been drinking too.



 

966 - Impregnation

Well I found a new job. Saving the human race. An article in Time says that because older men are having fewer children there is less genetic diversity happening. This could be a bad thing for humans. So I'll suck it up and try my best to impregnate as many young women as I can. It's the least I can do.

TIME ARTICLE

 

965 - Toons

I thought about Bilbo for two reasons when I saw this. A busted computer and a mail box.

Of course I can find the power switch. I just wired it up. Just don't ask me where it is a month from now.

It's not the internet, it's the chair. Chairs are evil.

964 - I think I understand

I hadn't visited Not Always Right recently so when I did I found these two gems with the same theme. Customer logic.



Three Dimensions Is Two Too Many
Bookstore | Brisbane, Australia

Customer: “Excuse me, but why are you closed at the moment?”

Me: “Umm…sorry?”

Customer: “Why are you closed?”

Me: “We’re not closed, we’re open for business. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “No, you are closed. That’s what that sign says.” *points to hanging sign on door* “See? It says ‘CLOSED’ in big red letters.”

Me: “Actually, that sign is to indicate to the people that are outside that we are open for business. It says ‘OPEN’ on the side pointing outwards. It flips, see?” *I go and show her*

Customer: “But it says on this side that you are closed. Why are you closed?!”

Me: “I can assure we are open. Are you sure I can’t help you with anything?”

Customer: “I swear if this is one of those elaborate radio station hoaxes, I will never shop here again!”



May We Suggest A Troublemaker Instead
Retail | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK

Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello dear, I was wondering if I could return this coffee machine? It’s not making any coffee.”

Me: “Oh, right. Well, normally you would send it to the manufacturer and they would repair it.”

Customer: “Who?”

Me: “The manufacturer.”

Customer: “But I bought it here. Have a look at it anyway, son.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll have a quick look.”

(I open the box to find the machine wrapped in plastic and only slightly wet, but otherwise as clean as a brand new one.)

Me: “When you tried it out, did you put coffee in it?”

Customer: “Coffee?”

Me: “Yes, did you put coffee powder or granules in it?”

Customer: “No, of course not! Don’t be silly, it’s a coffee machine. It’s meant to MAKE coffee, is it not? Why buy a coffee machine that needs coffee in it to make coffee?!”

 

963 - % Milk

What's wrong with this picture? Well, the little cow is about 2% as big as the big cow. That's right, right? Wrong wrong. 2% milk has 2% the amount of milk fat as whole milk does. Whole milk has ............. 3.6% milk fat. So the little cow should be 56% as big as the big cow.

8oz of milk has -

•Whole Milk - 150 Calories - 8g Fat
•2% Milk - 120 Calories - 4.5g Fat
•1% Milk - 100 Calories - 2.5g Fat
•Skim Milk - 80 Calories - 0g Fat

(from http://pediatrics.about.com/od/milk/i/05_milk_2.htm )

Did you know this already? Then get back to work! Learn something new? Take the rest of the day off. One new thing is enough for one day.

 

962 - When all else fails

When all else fails, blow some garbage up. That gets the frustration out and creates a youtube video at the same time. (it's a guy thing)