6620 - Saturday jokes

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14.

I got an email from a man claiming to be an Egyptian pharaoh, asking me to help him move money to the United States. I think it’s a pyramid scheme. (Bilbo)

In the near future there is going to come a time when AI tells a woman that she is wrong and needs to calm down.

This will mark the end of AI and possibly computers all together.

How do we know how happy a clam is?

White Americans in Minneapolis are putting Mexican flags on their cars so that ICE will waste time by pulling them over. Minnesotans are calling it ICE fishing.

“There are no words in the English language that have all the vowels in alphabetical order,” he said facetiously.

A Rabbi once complained to a Methodist minister that the Christians had stolen the Ten Commandments.

"Yes, we stole them, " said the minister.  "But you can't say we've kept them."

I'm not sure of the name of the essential oil that calms people down. It’s Chloroform, isn’t it? (Bilbo)

How old were you when you learned "Never odd or even" spelled backward is still "Never odd or even"?

Today years old.

I've been playing a game called Silent Tennis. It's like regular tennis without the racquet.

The price of chimneys have gone through the roof. (Bilbo)

One minute you’re young and cool, maybe a little dangerous; the next minute you’re reading Amazon reviews for birdseed. (Bilbo)

Angry poster...

"Bad Bunny is performing in Spanish, and I don't understand that language XX".

Commenter...

"Relax. We've seen your posts and the way you confuse "there, their, they're, then, than, it's, its, your, and you're", we are not sure you understand English.

tRUMP celebrated at the Winter Olympics after winning the gold medal in the downhill presidency.

MAGAts truly are the biggest snowflakes. They cry over Bad Bunny, they cry over American athletes speaking out, they cry over Disney movies. They are insufferable, sensitive, and perpetually unhappy.

Bondi: "Stop mailing coupons for Depends to the White House or else". Hmmmmmmmm

In 1986, a group of mathematics teachers protested against calculators, fearing children would rely on them instead of learning simple math. 

Roses are red,

horses go clop,

for the best vasectomy,

Dr. Dick Chopp. 

(He's a Urologist in West Lake Hills, Texas)

Someone told me to check my attitude. I did. It’s still there. (Bilbo)

Let's admit that drinking bleach and shoving a UV light up your ass is the closet we've gotten to a republican healthcare plan in the last 16 years.

We need to start referring to “age” as “level,” because “Level 74” sounds way cooler than “74 years old.” (Bilbo)

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup".

What do you call a person with leprosy in a bath tub? 

Stew.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? 

A stick.

How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? 

She had mittens!

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's stuck on a wall? 

Art.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.  

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Time flies like an arrow.  

Fruit flies like a banana.

A golfer comes into the club house after a bad round.  The pro says, "It looks like it was a pretty rough day."

The golfer replies, "You bet it was.  The best two balls I hit all day was when I was coming out of the sand trap and stepped on the rake!"

Right now I'm having amnesia and Deja vu at the same time.  

I think I've forgotten this before.

Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there? 

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?