6350 - Long joke Sunday

Many people know about Medusa the Gorgon. But few know of her sisters, Stheno and Euryale. 

They also had a little known cousin Zola. 

Zola was very proud of her cooking ability and she challenged her sisters to a cooking contest. 

The results were assessed by the local village people. 

The villagers chose the lamb dish Medusa had prepared. In a fit of rage and jealousy, Zola wiped out the village. 

It is patently obvious when it really matters, the safest option will always be to chose the 'seared goat with Gorgon Zola cheese sauce'. (Bilbo)

https://www.google.com/search?q=seared+goat+with+Gorgon+Zola+cheese+sauce

6389 - Saturday jokes

My brain just logged me out due to inactivity, and now I can't remember my password. (Bilbo)

Dear every Doctors Office and Hospital in the world: we do not want to see FOX NEWS on the freaking TV!

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. But I am here to set the record straight.

When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished'. And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished'.

Ideally, the president wouldn’t be someone whose face was featured on novelty condoms at the rape palace of history’s most notorious pedophile.

tRUMP can't even flip a coin correctly at a football game. Explains how it's Biden's fault.

When he dies, we'll be told to be respectful.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Well, I thought that service had really improved. Wrong. I called in today to report some drop wires hanging in the road. The service rep took my info and said a man will be out within 2 hours. Sure enough in 39 minutes a tech called to say that he was on the way. I thought, that’s great, that’s the way service used to be. In a little bit the tech called to ask me if the wires were in the alley or in front of the house. I said that there isn’t any alley. He then said are you in Wisconsin because that’s where I am. I said no I’m in Alabama. So much for the good service. I hope they pay him travel time.

My co-worker's last name was Null. The HR department had to rename him to "Empty String" just so their monthly report queries would stop breaking.

I got fired yesterday. My boss told me to leave my problems at the door when I came to work. I told him to go stand outside.

Hi Peter,

Thanks for your interest in the analyst position. Unfortunately, you are not the right fit for the position at this time. Best of luck in your job search.

Sincerely,

Daniel

Hi Daniel,

I've been working here for a month.

Peter

My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only have 8 toes. 

She was lack toes intolerant!

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!

What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill?

A lambslide.

I have reviewed the request to get out of bed and become a productive member of society today, and I would like to respectfully decline. (Bilbo)

...

John's reply...

My sole contribution to society is that of a consumer.

I do not claim to be nor desire to be a productive member of society.

The sharp wit and smart-assery I learned from my curmudgeon mentors is rarely credited as productive even though it does add an element of joy to my own life.

And while I'm at it -- GET OFF MY LAWN!

What makes me cheerful?

When someone's cutting wrapping paper and the scissors go cssssssssss and not jkfkzjkfkzjkfkz.

tRUMP: Numerous states introducing bible literacy classes, giving students the option of studying the bible. Starting to make a turn back? Great!

Commenter: According to the bible, you should be put to death for adultery.

OB Doctor: Hi, I'm Juan, and I'll be delivering your baby.

Dad: OB Juan, you're our only hope!

Mom: Doc, don't put his name on the birth certificate.

I want to throw a snowblower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says,

“What the f**k is that thing?”, and then that's where I'll live.

I'm collecting dildos and vibrators for the holidays. I'm giving them to all the 'Karens' that need to go f**k themselves. I'm calling them "Toys for Twats".

If alcohol can affect short-term memory, then imagine what alcohol can do!

Nurse, explaining EMS to her patient...

"Medics are basically feral nurses who live in mobile hospitals".

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides.

I picked it up and threw it. 

It flew for more than 300 yards.

I'm sure that must have been a record.

6388 - Thursday trees

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Blow this up and read the plaque. 

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6387 - Long joke Sunday

A woman in her forties noticing that her looks were starting to fade decided to visit to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

After examining her, the surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a face lift without the invasive surgery.

Upon hearing this of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over many years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young-looking and youthful. 

However, after fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon as she had two problems.

"For the past fifteen years, everything has worked just fine. Every six months I've had to turn the key, and I've always loved the results. 

But now I've developed two annoying symptoms: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes, and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your boobies."

“Oh!”, she said, "I suppose there’s no point asking about the beard then."

6386 - Saturday jokes

Headline..

Cops beat Chinese man after asking his name.

"I've lost all faith in our police" Says Fuk Yu.

Can’t wait to add my pretend $2,000 tariff check to my pretend $5,000 DOGE check so I can stock up on my pretend $2.00 a gallon gas.

Somebody just asked me if I’m ready for Christmas … hell, I’m not even ready for this afternoon.

Calling autism a disorder assumes neurotypicals have some kind of order. They don’t — they’re just the majority.

"TikToker gets plastic surgery on her nose so her future children will inherit her new nose."

US: We're not going to make it, are we? Humans, I mean.

A genie granted me one wish, so I said, “I just want to be happy.” Now I’m living in a cottage with six dwarves and working in a mine.

*****

From Kathy... Thanks!

*****

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!" 

Where do plants invest their money?

In the stalk market.

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly-rancher.

What kind of undergarments does a lawyer wear?

Legal briefs.

Why can't the bank manager ride a bike anymore?

He lost his balance.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with an elephant?

An animal that tells you everything  it remembers.

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. 

He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. 

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

What do you call a short cow?

Condensed milk.

What's a cat's favorite song?

Three Blind Mice.

If you need help building an ark...

I Noah guy.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.

*****

I pirated a movie last night.

I gave it 3.14 stars.

(Think about it.)

ICE is asking people to quit calling its hotline to report an undocumented girl named Anne Frank hiding in the attic of a republican lawmaker.

Him: How do you feel about sex?

Her: I like it infrequently.

Him: Is that one word or two?

At Ford we listen to our customers. You asked for a place to nap while waiting for the tow truck and we delivered. Fold flat front seats!

I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong. It’s multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever. (Bilbo)

Let's admit that drinking bleach and shoving a UV light up your ass is the closest we've gotten to a republican healthcare plan in the last 16 years.

Two things have happened since 1965. TVs have gotten thinner and I have not.

Milking stools only have three legs because the cow has the udder.

A girl asked me if she was wearing too much makeup.

I told her it depends on whether or not she's trying to kill Batman.

Gynecologist: What are you using for birth control?

Her: My personality.

They say sniffing holly and rosemary will improve your memory.

I sniffed them both.

Rosemary slapped me and Holly kneed me in the nuts.

I don't remember much after that.