6660 - Saturday jokes

<start Bilbo>

I believe the war against Iran has been valuable in teaching word meanings to those in government. For instance, the original meaning of "decimated" is "reduced by ten percent." (Bilbo)

I went to the bakery this morning and got day-old bread for half price. I think I’ll go by the filling station and see if they have yesterday’s gas. (Bilbo)

I wonder what it says about our technology that both our largest aircraft carrier and our most advanced spacecraft are having problems with their toilets. (Bilbo)

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I needed at the grocery store like coming home and unloading the groceries from the grocery store. (Bilbo)

"I find that worrying about what might happen takes my mind off worrying about what has happened." (Bilbo)

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people? (Bilbo)

<stop Bilbo>

My son's third grade teacher taught my son that 1 divided by 0 is 0. I wrote her an email to tell her that it is not 0. She then

doubled down and cc'ed the principal. The principal responded saying the teacher is correct ... What do I do now?

I'm mildly infuriated but I'm wondering if I'm just overreacting? Should I just stop fighting this battle?

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.” A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... “Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense.

An elderly gentleman goes for a check-up. After his exam the doctor said to the to the old fella, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the old man's elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. But the doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old bastard, she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January."

I got chatting with a girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."

Paddy had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. 

Mick says, "How you doin?" 

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get my slippers, me feet are freezing." 

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.   

He says,  "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." 

They say, "Get away with ya .... prove  it." 

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" 

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f’ing one?"

A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy. 

The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with. 

Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?" 

"Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again."

The airport here has a lactation room, and I didn't know what lactation meant,

the first time.

My new hearing aids are great.

I can now hear the safe word.

I had a colonoscopy. When it was over they said "we'll see you in 10 years".

I said, "The fuck you will!"

I found a new technique to improve my memory.

I quit listening to people.

A newlywed calls her mother and says, "On my wedding night, I discovered that John only has one foot." Her mother replies, "Count yourself lucky! Your father only has four inches."

I envy tRUMP. I wish I had the confidence to refuse to go away.

I'm not sure if my girl friend has called it quits with me. 

I found out she's dating this French guy named fiancée. 

6659 - Medical identity theft

Article about your medical card...

Medical identity theft doesn’t show up on your credit report. It doesn’t trigger a fraud alert. It looks like a billing error. By the time most people realize what happened, someone else’s blood type is in their permanent file.

Here’s how it works 

Criminals use your name, SSN and insurance to get surgery, chemo, prescriptions and emergency care. They get the treatment. You get the bill. And something far more dangerous. You get their medical history under your name.

The World Privacy Forum calls this “the information crime that can kill you.” If you walk into an emergency room and your file shows the wrong blood type, a drug allergy that isn’t yours or a diagnosis that changes how a doctor treats you, the consequences aren’t financial. They’re fatal. 

More than 2 million Americans have been victims. Average out-of-pocket cost: $13,500. Average time to untangle it: 210 hours. Getting false info removed from your medical record is a legal process that drags on for years.

Do these three things

1. Read every Explanation of Benefits your insurer sends. It’s not a bill. It’s a summary of every claim processed in your name. One procedure you don’t recognize is your first alert. Log into your insurer’s portal anytime to pull them up.

2. Request your medical records once a year. You’re legally entitled under HIPAA, and it’s free. Most providers use MyChart. Log in, find Health Summary or Medical Records, and look for anything that doesn’t match your history.

3. Guard your insurance card like cash. Don’t photograph it. Don’t text it. Don’t give the number to anyone who called you. Your health insurance number sells for up to $500 on the dark web. Your credit card number? About $5.

Turns out your insurance card is worth more than you think. Unfortunately, criminals know what it’s worth.

6658 - Thursday trees

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6657 - Long joke Sunday

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a

very lavish New York City Building, when a

young and beautiful woman gets into the

elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She

turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,

"Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an

ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman

gets on the elevator, and also very

arrogantly turns to the old woman saying,

"Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has

reached her destination and is about to get

off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks

both beautiful women in the eye, then bends

over, farts and says ...

"Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"

6656 - Saturday jokes

Until they invented the other side of Velcro, it never really caught on. (Bilbo)

A Turkish proverb says: when a clown settles in a palace, he does not become king. It is the palace that becomes a circus.

Shoppers at the Commerce Walmart were thrown into confusion after a local woman allegedly released four pigs—each spray‑painted with the numbers 1, 2, 3, and 5 into the store, triggering what authorities later described as “a logistical nightmare disguised as a math problem.”

Two people you should never trust: a preacher telling you how to vote, and a politician telling you how to pray.

*in bed*

Husband: "I feel like we've lost our spark"

Me: (sits up, removes eye mask, takes

out ear plugs, removes hot pad, takes

out mouth guard, removes V pillow

from between legs, takes off dressing

gown, puts on glasses)

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?"

Schools were not forcing kids to have

transgender surgery.

Babies were not being aborted after they were

born.

Migrants were not crossing the border to vote

for Kamala Harris.

Donald Trump is a pathological liar and, if you

believed this shit, you are a pathological

dumbass.

A boy came home one afternoon and informed his mom that he had gone into the strip club. This made his mom angry! She asked her son, "Well, did you see anything that you weren't supposed to see?" The boy replied, "Yes, I saw dad!"

Actual Analogies Used By High

School Students In English Essays

1. When she tried to sing, it sounded like a

walrus giving birth to farm equipment.

2. Her eyes twinkled, like the moustache of

a man with a cold.

3. She was like a magnet: Attractive from

the back, repulsive from the front.

4. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe

and extended one slender leg behind her,

like a dog at a fire hydrant.

5. She grew on him like she was a colony of

E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

6. She had him like a toenail stuck in a shag carpet.

7. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

The American Kennel Club has

recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for

Christmas.

* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer

Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh

mountain dog.

* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador.

Won't stop barking.

* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog

that's true til the end.

* Terrier + Bulldog = Terrible. Not a very

good dog.

* Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso. Easy to

transport.

* Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Pekaso. A rather

abstract dog.

* Malamute + Pointer = Moot point. Never

mind.

Daughter: I'm so sorry mommy. I stole a candy bar when we were out grocery shopping.

Mom: I need to know that you learned the right lesson. The first thing in the morning, we are going straight down to the jewelry store.

Must be embarrassing to be Attorney General and get fired by a convicted felon.

It was the biggest argument we’ve had in years. I wanted to fire the pool boy. My wife insisted it was just because I was threatened and felt inferior when that beautiful, virile, shirtless young man was around. I insisted she was wrong, it was mainly because we didn’t have a pool.

BREAKING: Iran confirms it has no interest in a reciprocal assassination against Trump because no weapon it could possibly build, not even nukes, could do more harm to the US than the current president. Iran actually sees Trump as a major asset.