6612 - Long joke Sunday

A man wearing a MAGA baseball cap was seated next to an woman on an airplane. 

He turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The woman, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the man. “How about those children whose parents get them vaccinated becoming autistic.”

“Okay,” she said. “This could be interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. 

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. 

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The man, visibly surprised by the woman’s question, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the woman replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss science and medicine, when you don’t know shit?”

************

This is the perfect month. Starts on Sunday, 28 days long, ends on Saturday. We could have 13 of these if we wanted too. 

6611 - Saturday jokes

H1 - What's an orgasm?

H2 - When you fold paper to look like birds and stuff.

H3 - Gurl, that's oregano.

From Nextdoor: There’s a homeless/unhorsed person who has created a “camp” at Valcour & Heege in Affton.

"Ever been to sea, Billy?"

"No, Captain Hindgrinder."

"Then meet your bunkmates, Ben Dover and Phil McCracken." (Tundra Bunny via Debra)

Who knew that in America's ugly divorce, the liberals would get custody of the NFL, the true teachings of Jesus, and the second amendment.

I should do something with my life...

maybe tomorrow.

JD Vance placed candles outside Hooters where ICE agents were heckled.

In a recent interview, tRUMP paused, tapped his head, and struggled to recall the word Alzheimer's.

Cannonballs used to be stored aboard ship on piles, on a triangular brass frame or tray called a brass monkey, three on the bottom, one in the middle on top. In very cold weather the brass would contract, spilling the cannonballs all over the deck. Hence very cold weather is "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey".

Sign on machine:

WARNING

Moving parts present serious risk to dicks.

DO NOT PUT DICK IN MACHINERY.

Him:

INSTRUCTIONS UNCLEAR!

DICK STUCK IN MACHINERY!

How many chefs do you think were executed in medieval times because the King's food tester had a food allergy?

Let's do a drone light show over an uncontacted tribe and become their gods.

Sign on door to classroom:

The spider infestation has been mostly resolved.

I feel like I’ve experienced more historical events since 2025 than we were actually required to learn about in school.

MAGAts are caught in a loop. Climate change is a hoax but we need Greenland because of climate change which a hoax.

Wind chimes are made from the metallic bones of robots that tried to overthrow us.

Hang them outside as a warning to others.

How prior authorizations work...

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr. to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she really? Let's ask her doctor.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is, sphere itself.

Cows farts are dangerous.

They need cattlelitic converters.

The five-second rule does not apply if you have a two-second dog.

Happy Semiquincentennial Anniversary Year, USA!

Even though... The US Constitution dates to 1789. The Articles of Confederation date to 1777. The American Revolutionary War began in 1775 and ended in 1783.

The internet used to come through the phone and it sounded like screaming robots.

Sure grandpa, let's get you to bed.

6610 - Thursday trees

Todays trees are again provided by Bilbo. 

When I move all 20 pictures from my file to the blog, Blogger shuffles them around so I have no idea where they will wind up in the count. Number 20 showed up in the perfect spot today.

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6609 - Long joke Sunday

Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbor has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

6608 - Saturday jokes

I tried making skimmed milk, but it was too hard to throw the cow across the lake. (Bilbo)

A person learning English as a second language just asked me the difference between "burned" and "burnt", and I just stared blankly back with a 404 error screen running through my brain.

You might be in a CULT if you buy a red hat made in China to support a felon who married an immigrant and has convinced you that all your problems are caused by immigrants and felons. Or maybe you're just stupid.

(phone ringing)

Boss: Why the hell aren't you picking that up?!

Me: I always answer on the third ring, makes me seem cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP!

Me: Fine... 911 what's your emergency?

BREAKING:

The cold weather is set to last until it gets warmer.

I celebrate every touchdown my team makes by drinking nearly a liter of beer. That’s a two pint conversion.

Please be reassured ladies that there is no such thing as pre-natal fever. I'm confident the fetus is at womb temperature.

What were electric eels called before electricity was discovered? 

Me to dog: I'm out of treats.

Dog: I'll hold your beer 'till you get back.

Minute and minute shouldn't be spelled the same. I'm not content with this content. I object to that object. I need to read what I read again. Excuse me but there's no excuse for this. Someone should wind this comment up and throw it in the wind.

I haven't spoken to my wife in four years.

I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!

I saw someone with a tattoo that read, Comparison is the Thief of Joy.

I'm going to get the same tattoo...but mine will be bigger!

(I was to lazy to retype this.)

SLEEPY JOE LET OUR BEAUTIFUL SOUTHERN BOULEVARD TURN INTO A WAR ZONE. JAY WALKERS WERE POURING IN BY THE THOUSANDS. OUR STREETS WERE BEING OVERRUN BY ILLEGAL U-TURNS AND UNDOCUMENTED MERGING. BLATANTLY ILLEGAL LANE CHANGES EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED. TOTAL DISASTER!

UNDER YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT (THAT'S ME!!), LAW & ORDER IS BACK! THE BOULEVARD IS NOW SAFE AGAIN BECAUSE ANYONE CAUGHT JAY WALKING WILL BE MACED AND SHOT WITH RUBBER BULLETS. THEY TRIED FOR YEARS. NOTHING WORKED. EVERYBODY SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE. WRONG! I WALKED IN AND ON DAY ONE I FIXED IT JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT. TY FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS COVFEFE. - DJT

How big is Greenland? It's so big that it covers up 99% of the Epstein files.

Trump supporters are threatening to leave the US if Trump is sent to prison. (Now THAT'S funny.)

(Still funny)

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. 'What's the big idea?' asks the wife. 'They're a steal, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a total waste', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look absolutely stunning', replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price.' HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7!

(IT ticket)

My keyboard is not working. When I try to put in a backspace it will not insert. It keeps deleting to the left. I am restarted.

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a roofer to take a look at it.

"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.

I told him, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

At the marriage counselor...

After talking to the wife, Maria, she talks the husband, Tony.

"Well, Maria had a few things she wanted me to discuss with you. First, she says you are a workaholic. Second, she says you pick your nose quite a bit in public. Third, and this is a little delicate, she says you never let her get on top when you are having sex."

Tony replies, "When I comma to dis country, my father tell me three things. He tell me to make it big in America, First: worka hard. So I worka hard. Second, he says: keepa your nose clean. So I keepa my nose clean. And third, he says, don't fuck up."

My brother thinks he’s a turtle. I’m taking him to the best terrapist in town.

The rule of tyrants depends on murder. In each reign some life must fall.

A man had just opened a restaurant but he couldn't think of a name. So he decided to name it after the third person that walked in.

The third person's name that walked in was Jill. The owner said, "Jill, you also have nice legs." So the guy named the restaurant 'Jill's Legs'.

A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I'm waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a bite to eat."

Whoever said 10°F is better than 100°F better be sitting outside enjoying it today.

They say the machines of the future will be as smart as people. Okay, but which people? Because that’s gonna make a big difference. (Bilbo)

Smart people underestimate themselves and ignorant people think they're brilliant. 

When in grizzly territory, always hike in groups and carry sedative dart guns.

Remember, there's safety in numb bears.