I need to get in shape.
If I were one of those victims in a crime show
My chalk outline would be a circle.
A fact is objective information.
An opinion is a personal belief.
Ignorance is a lack of facts.
And stupidity is a rejection of facts in favor of opinions.
I wanted to have a nice summer body for people to look at.
But I realized I like food more than I like people.
Republican Jesus: Thou shalt not care...
Then Jesus said unto the sick,
"You better have insurance."
Then Jesus said unto the stranger,
"Are you here legally?"
Then Jesus said unto the hungry,
"My taxes better not be paying for these loaves and fishes."
Then Jesus said unto the poor,
"This is your own fault."
Cop: Turn around
Me: Every now and then I get a little lonely and you never come round.
Cop: TURN AROUND!!
Me: Every now..*TASED*
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Cops just left. They said if I'm going to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside.
Nurse: Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs?
Patient: Yeah, I'm down for whatever. We should hang out sometime.
I love when people say "be yourself", like I haven't already been doing that and scaring everyone off.
Wife: My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After three days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Husband: 😁
You are told Socialism is bad by the same people who said Segregation was good.
(This has been me my whole life)
A girl caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans.
Her: Whatcha looking at?
Me: Sorry, your legs look great in those jeans.
Her: You should see me without them.
Me: Why would you take your legs off?
Old guy: For my second marriage, I married a 20 year old.
Her mother is also very attractive.
She is 38 and married my son.
My son is now my father-in-law.
As the father of my father-in-law, I'm now my own grandfather.
If you want to bring prayer into schools but not free lunch, you better stop pretending this is about Jesus. He would have fed the kids.
"Just cleared out some space in the freezer", sounds so much more productive than, "I just polished off another pint of ice cream."
My wife just texted me a selfie, asking "Does this dress make me look fat?"
I texted, "NOO!"
Autocorrect sent, "MOO!"
The sound of connecting to dial-up internet just emanated from a distant corner of the office. All the millennials popped their heads up from their cubicles like a flock of prairie dogs being called by long forgotten ancestors.
Text...
Her: Tell me a little about yourself.
Him: I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't hang out with women. I go to bed at 10 and get up at 6. Quiet, calm...
Her: You're perfect for me.
Him: But when I get out of prison, everything will change.
Space alien: Take me to your leader.
Earthling: You've sort of come at a bad time.
A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.
A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.
@pizzaplace: I bought pizza and it was just the base, no cheese, no sausage, no meat, nothing!
pizzaplace reply: Hi there. We're concerned reading your feedback. Please DM us your contacts and order details so we can look into this.
@pizzaplace: My apologies. We didn't have electricity so I opened the box upside-down. Thanks for the swift response.
Ultra MAGA is when Trump spends and even pockets millions on his weekly golf excursions and then you bray about what a generous patriot he is to not take his 400k salary.
Dude, my phone rang during the funeral.
So?!
My ring tone is Highway To Hell.
Me during sex: Hurt me!
Her: I never wanted you.
Me: WHAT?
Her: And your Dad has a bigger one than yours.
Me: Mom, stop.
I bought a second-hand time machine next Tuesday. They sure don't make them like they're going to anymore. (Bilbo)
July 2nd...
Day 2 of celebrating straight people!
Like Florida republican Harrison Clark, elected to the local CSWCD. He was arrested for online solicitation of a minor.
Happy Straight Month!
(Comedian Steve Hofstetter)
Due to the high cost of medical tests, all you can do is pee under a tree and wait.
If ants gather - diabetes
If grass dries up - high salts
If it smells like BBQ - high cholesterol
If you forget to pull up you pants - Alzheimer's
I dated girl with the same name as my mom. I wasn't allowed to call her by name during sex because it would remind her of my girlfriend.
In the Life Alert commercial, the lady said she fell and waited 8 hours for her friend. Why didn't the cameraman help her?
(at your front door)
Knock knock knock
Who's there?
ICE.
What do you want?
We just want to talk.
How many of you are there?
Four.
Then talk to each other.
Smart planning takes time.
Stupid is immediate.
Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.
Friendly reminder to MAGA that actual Christians would never build or celebrate the construction of concentration camps.
I am so tired of evil people winning.
Just so you know nothing accidentally goes in your butt.
Sincerely, the ER Staff
(I never claimed it was an accident.)
Dolly and Danae, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Dolly, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Danae, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Dolly explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Danae got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.
But not fire.
Fire works on the 4th of July.
A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. - The Declaration of Independence
I want to open a TWO dollar store for people that enjoy the finer things.
My friend forgot his laptop on the floor of my room.
My grandma thought it was a scale.
She weighs $950.
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