6641 - Saturday pi day jokes

The volume of a pizza with radius 'z' and thickness 'a' is "pi zz a".

Why did Pi fail their driver’s test?

Because it didn't know when to stop.

What’s wrong with the equation “pi r squared”?

Because pi are round.

What happens when you eat too much pi?

You get a bigger circumference. 

What do you get when you take a bovine and divide its circumference by its diameter?

A cow pi.

Life’s irrational, just like pi.

Have the Caesar salad only.

Beware the sides of starch.

They told me if I voted for Harris grocery prices would rise and we would be at war.

I did vote for Harris, and they turned out to be right.

Winner of the internet...

Q: Have you ever met someone truly evil?

Guys answer: My cousin is Stephen Miller.

Good news: my plumber, Markwayne Mullin, from when I managed an Applebees is now in charge of homeland security and that is one of the least crazy things about the current administration so that's fun for all of us.

Why do Republicans say AOC is "just a bartender" when she has a masters degree in economics,  but they don't say Markwayne Mullin is just a plumber?

Reports are circulating that Sweden has officially recognized sex as a sport, with plans for a first-of-its-kind championship evaluated by a panel of judges. (Where do I sign up?!)

Back when I was a kid you didn't need Joe Rogan. Your best friend had a 27 year-old brother who was a fucking loser who would smoke pot in a room with blacklight posters and tell you that the Mayans invented cell phones.

Mark Hammond, republican South Carolina Secretary of State during an interview... (I lost the last part of this joke)

If we're ever in a situation where I am the "voice of reason", then we are in a very very bad situation.

I was born in 1951. I’ve walked like an Egyptian, moonwalked, walked this way, walked on the wild side, walked on sunshine, walked the line, and walked 500 miles. I’m tired of walking. (Bilbo)

I’m pretty sure I've reached my “what the hell??” quota for the year, and it’s only March 9th. (Bilbo)

Does Pete Hegseth realize he’s not George C. Scott in Patton? He’s George C. Scott in Dr. Strangelove. (Bilbo)

The Onion: Company Lacks Manpower To Complete Newest Round Of Layoffs.

Rules that make no sense...

1. A town in Italy made it "illegal to die"

because their cemetery had no more space.

2. Noise laws in Switzerland are so strict

that flushing a toilet at night is often banned.

3. In Thailand, stepping on a dropped

coin is a crime because it insults the King.

4. Until 2015, dancing in Japanese

clubs after midnight was actually

against the law.

5. Venice will fine you up to $700 if you

are caught feeding the pigeons.

6. In Western Australia, it was once

illegal to possess more than 50kg of potatoes.

Women have banded together into a new group called the Clitterati.

No debt

Ideal weight

8 hours of sleep

Mental health on track

Right nutrition

Zero Alcohol

This was my peak. I was 8.

Good times ...

Orange Turd turns 80 in June.

If he makes it, his AGE will surpass his IQ!

How many countries do you have to bomb to win a Nobel Peace Prize these days?

Asking for a felon.

If you put a Jumbotron on the side of a blimp, does that make it an LED Zeppelin? (Bilbo)

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.

The nursed asked the rabbit, "What is your blood type?"

"I'm probably a type O", said the rabbit.

Missouri's 12 seasons:

Winter

Fool's Spring

Second Winter

Spring of Deception (We are here)

Third Winter

The Pollening

Actual Spring

Summer

The Devil's Front Porch

False Fall

Second Summer

Actual Fall

I was told there would be a handbasket. (Bilbo)

On our third date, I finally had the courage to tell the man that I was earning extra money as a makeup artist at a funeral home.

In that moment of honesty he also admitted that he just remembered he had a wife and two children, so we shouldn't be seeing each other anymore.

Urgent message on Truth Social...

Costco very crowded today.

Peeple no about the raptor and are preparing. 

Raptor on March 22. Spread the word.

SALLY WORKED AT THE FERTILIZER PLANT.

WE NEVER MET BUT MA KNEW HER.

Fun Fact: A paper airplane can be in flight yet remain stationery.

Sometimes people ask me how I know all the random shit I know and all I got is, "I have ADHD, an internet connection, really good research skills, and zero self-regulatory mechanisms".

6640 - Thursday trees

All these are from Bilbo today.

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6639 - Is it War?

6638 - Long joke Sunday

Should I post this.... yeah, what the heck...

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they had become too loose and floppy.

For fear of embarrassment she insisted that the surgeon kept the operation a secret which the surgeon agreed.

In waking up from the surgery, she found 3 roses placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her that he had kept her surgery a secret, and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

6637 - Saturday jokes

I got my shot for Shingles today. Just to be safe, l also got one for Vinyl Siding too!

Turns out you can just buy a birthday cake anytime and eat it yourself. Nobody checks.

Are the conservatives more afraid of the drag queens or the books they're reading to the kids?

I had short flight yesterday that took forever.

We had a black pilot and he kept getting pulled over.

I have this cool phone app that shows me what I would look like as an old person. It’s called “camera.” (Bilbo)

“We have unlimited of the middle and upper middle ammunition and things. We save it, and we build it,”. (DJT)

There is no bigger test of patience than using a remote to type your email address on a TV. (Bilbo)

Does anyone know when W-2s for Walmart's self checkout will be sent out?

I thought Ariana Grande was a font.

Every time I go out in public, the public is there.

I can't keep living like this!

I'm so poor I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt.

When people say, "Oh, you smell good, what is that?"

I say, "Page 14."

I heard they’re building a mirror factory in my town.

I could see myself working there.

So……where exactly are all these clinics that clinically approve everything?

I'm eating a second cookie because I ate the first one absentmindedly and didn't appreciate it enough.

I love Chick-Fil-A.

I could eat there 24/6.

Avoid playing this song on your radio if you get pulled over.

'I can't drive 55'.

A man has passed out on the Ferris Wheel at the local fair.

Paramedics on site say he is slowly coming around.

I will also be posting telepathically today.

So if you think of something funny, that was me.

Guy in emergency room with several broken limbs.

"But those pants DID make her butt look big!"

Why did they name them sea-monkeys when 'shrimpanzees' was sitting right there?!

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: Looking back at my trailer full of donkeys... "Because I'm hauling ass?"

I work out almost every day.

Friday I almost worked out.

Saturday I almost worked out...

The older I get, the more I hate making extra stops after work, like I’m late for the house.

Any pan can be a non-stick pan if you non-cook in it.

I called in to work and said I was having an eye problem and wouldn't be in.

I couldn't see going to work.

If I had a nickel for every pun I've posted,

I'd have a pun per nickel!

My sister asked me to stop singing “I’m a Believer“ by The Monkees because she found it annoying.

At first, I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

That look you get on your face when you say you're bored and someone suggests some form of exercise.

Husband: How do I turn Alexa off?

Wife: Have you tried walking around the room naked?

The spaces between ladder rungs have increased because Americans are getting taller.

Manufacturers claim it's due to climb it change.