A drunk guy walking the streets goes up to a cop.
He says, “Hey man, someone stole my car”.
Cop asks, “Well where did you last see it?”
Guy staggeringly holds up his keys and says, “On the end of these here keys”.
Cop says, “Well I dunno, sounds like you’re gonna have to go downtown to the precinct and file a report”.
Drunk guy starts walking away towards the precinct, and the cop hollers, “Before you go downtown, you may wanna zip up your fly!”
Guy looks down at his fly and moans, “Aw man, they got my girl too!”
When I was younger I trained as an ice cream man.
I went to sundae school.
It was a Rocky Road.
Ejaculate - What a Yorkshire person says to Jack when he's not on time.
My friend went skydiving wearing a regular backpack instead of a parachute.
He won’t make that mistake again.
I was sued for sexual harassment.
I asked my lawyer if she could get me off.
Met this girl online yesterday. She's so into me.
She wants to know the name of my first pet, my mom's maiden name, and where I was born.
Orchestras are just 1800s cover bands.
Why is everyone at the gym asking me why I'm sitting still on the stationary bike?
I'm going downhill, dude, mind your business.
I’m just laying here in bed, listening to the Doors and thinking to myself I really should oil those hinges.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.
I’ve nearly finished my diploma in sandwich making.
I've got my final eggs ham tomorrow.
A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him "Sir, would you get down please".
The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, "What's the matter, sir?
The old man replied, "Just get down here first!" The man thought for a second, and being the polite man he is, climbed down the ladder
The old guy, "Can you please spare me some money?
The man, after thinking for some moment, said, "Come with me.
He climbed up the ladder, with the old man following him.
When both of them were up on the roof, the man said to the old man, "No."
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the lady's room.
A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.” “Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.” “Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!” The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
I went to a costume party and the host immediately started to pick on me.
"What's your costume?" he asked.
"A harp."
"You're too small to be a harp," he told me.
I was indignant. "Are you calling me a lyre?"
I was at the same party! Saw a bloke wearing a bandana with a lady strapped to his back. He said he was a ninja turtle. ‘What’s the lady doing on your back?’ I asked. ‘It’s Michelle’ he replied.
A young woman goes to confess her sins...
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What have you done?” asks the priest?
“I have sinned by being vain. Every morning I look in the mirror and think to myself, I am such a beautiful woman. Any man would be lucky to have me.”
“That’s not a sin,” says the priest.
“Really?”
“No. It’s a mistake”.
Bill and Bob, two young guys, were sitting outside a clinic.
Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
“What day is it today?”
”Just look at the date on the newspaper you have!”
"This is yesterday's newspaper!"
I asked a magic 8-ball if I would ever get better in social situations.
Not only did it not answer me, but I got yelled at and hit with a pool stick.
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