6419 - Long joke Sunday

6418 - Saturday jokes

At the pharmacy...

Are there any side effects to these pills besides bankruptcy?

Is the new "American Dream" watching Elon Musk go bankrupt, broke, and get deported?

You know you’re getting old when your vehicle's heated seat is no longer for warmth... but instead for back pain.

If a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder", does that make a jock strap, an "under the butt, nut hut?"

Last one out the door at the Department of Education should erase the entire student loan database. Be a legend.

That awkward moment when you lay on the floor to do a sit-up but realize you can't do a sit up and now you can't get up either.

I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed.

I am ALWAYS ready for bed.

I'm lazy, chubby and cynical.

I love food, naps, and soda.

I hate Mondays, people, and exercise.

I never thought I would grow up to be Garfield.

When things seem especially rough, just ask yourself, "Did I shit my pants today?"

If the answer is no, you're doing OK.

Donald Jr.: born 1977. Ivanka: born 1981. Eric: born 1984. Their mother Ivana didn't become a U.S. citizen until 1988. If birthright citizenship gets revoked and kids start being deported, put them at the front of the line.

The billionaires have decided that the people with nothing have too much.

Instead of older and wiser, I'm getting older and wider.

I'm doing the opposite of a cleanse.

I'm doing a clog.

That awkward moment when you're running...

And your boobs are bouncing all over the place.

And you're a 55-year-old guy. (Running? That would not be me.)

I can't believe the world's gonna end because half of America voted to give the nuclear codes to the dumbest people on the planet, rather than vote for a black woman.

People are now referring to Pete Hegseth as “WhiskeyLeaks” and I’m kinda mad that I didn’t think of it first.

This Pete Hegseth group chat story blew up like it was a Tesla.

Pete Hegseth now has to blow into a breathalyzer to unlock his phone.

Did you hear Tesla's third vehicle will be a three-wheeled motorcycle?

They're going to call it The Third Trike.

May America share the luck of that Delta jet in Toronto. Everyone survives unharmed, but the entire right-wing disappears without a trace.

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $15.00. 

So I gave my suit to the charity shop next door.

They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window.

I bought it for $4.50!

For years, MAGA has been saying: Sleepy Joe, Kamala slept her way to the top, Michelle Obama is a man, screw your feelings libtards, and all that. Then one person says "Governor Hot Wheels," and they lose it. Absolutely braindead.

Joe Rogan says he would rather go to Russia than Canada and I agree, I would also rather Joe Rogan go to Russia.

I'm a trust fund baby.

My parents trusted me to fund myself.

A penny for your thoughts. 

Although that does seem a little pricey.

Of the states with the highest sex crimes against children per capita, seven of the top ten voted overwhelmingly for

Donald Trump.

Because representation matters.

     >Steve Hofstetter<

Heads up: losing your Social Security will sting way more than paying extra for eggs.

It’s a good thing Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida.

If it had been invented at Florida State, it would have been called Seminole Fluid.

What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says, “Hey, YOU, get off of my cloud,” and the Scotsman says, “Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe.”

6417 - Movie

You know the guy who got an Oscar for his expose' movie "No Other Land" in the West Bank and then got arrested? You know how no theatre or streaming service is showing the movie... Except for one streaming service!

https://www.lookmovie2.to/threat-protection/second?t=a0d371dc2a2542e1075db426cf91cfebca573b6f

It's free with commercials, except when I watched there were no commercials.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_Other_Land 

6416 - Thursday trees

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John sent me this. I don't know if this is photoshopped or not. I don't know where the moon would be directly above the trees like that.

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7&8 from Cloudia

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6415 - Long joke Sunday

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still, and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa. The Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch... Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, and the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. 

The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! 

Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.