6264 - Saturday jokes

I'm not brave. I'm just past the age when running is an option.

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball, and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are khakis."

As I've aged, I'm eternally grateful that I've gotten fatter instead of more politically conservative.

I'm at the age where not finding parking for an event is enough to make me go home.

I really think I deserve an award for the amount of sarcastic comments I manage to keep to myself on a daily basis.

Don't wear headphones while vacuuming. I've just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn't plugged in.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.

Free Marriage Tip: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.

I've never tried yoga but have tried bending over to pick up my car keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.

It's important to lock your car doors, especially now. Your friends, neighbors, and even strangers, will put free zucchini in your car.

My wife left me today. She says I put sports ahead of our relationship. We were together for 6 seasons.

There was a piece of cake in the fridge with a note that said, "Don't eat me".

Now there's an empty plate with a note that says, "Don't tell me what to do".

“How do you sleep at night, knowing people don’t like you?”

Me: "With a fan on".

I hate that moment when you are tired and sleepy but as soon as you go to bed, your brain is like, "Just kidding".

I'm at that age when I go to the gas station if the pump tells me to go see the cashier I go to another gas station.

The problem is that the younger me never thought there would be an older me!

I thought growing old would take longer.

I thought the dryer made our clothes shrink. 

Turns out it's the fridge.

I've learned so much from my mistakes, that I'm thinking about making a lot more.

I love reading motivational posts from people I know are toxic in real life.

If we are in a “don’t laugh” situation, DO NOT LOOK OVER AT ME!

My wife keeps getting angry at me because I introduced her as my ex-girlfriend.

I try to be a good person but then someone pulls out in front of me doing ten below the speed limit and I gotta try again tomorrow.

I just asked myself if I was crazy and we all said no.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I'm still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

My housekeeping style is best described as 'there appears to have been a struggle'.

Always remember it's better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up.

There could be dozens of chameleons in your house, and you'd never know.

Some people call it multitasking.

I call it doing something else until I remember what I was going to do in the first place.

Amazon is going to start drone delivery.

Now we're going to have skeet shooting with prizes.

You think it's going to be okay, but then you leave your house and people are just everywhere.

6263 - USPS mail

Is It Illegal to Shred Previous Tenants' Mail?

By Susan Buckner, J.D. | Legally reviewed by Melissa Bender, Esq. | Last reviewed April 23, 2024

Legally Reviewed

Fact-Checked

Have you been receiving mail from a previous tenant and don't know what to do with it? This article addresses what your obligations are in such situations.

Receiving mail from a previous tenant is annoying, especially if you don't know the former tenant. If you know who the person is, you can write a forwarding address on the envelope and send it on.

What should you do if you don't know who the person is? Can you open another person's mail? Can you throw it away? Read on to learn what you can and cannot do with other people's mail.

Can You Open or Shred a Previous Tenant's Mail?

In a word, no. It is a federal crime to destroy, hide, open, or embezzle mail that is not intended for you. The official crime is obstruction of correspondence, which is a felony. If you're found guilty of this crime, you could face up to five years in prison and some hefty fines.

But, not all mail is equal. The important part of the code section reads "not directed to [them]." You are probably not required to retain or forward all a previous resident's junk mail.

If you look at the address on most bulk mail, it often says "To Former Addressee or current resident." Most bulk advertisers target their mail at residents, even ads dressed up in formal envelopes. Junk mail addressed to the current resident is yours, and you can get rid of it.

What Should I Do If I Receive Someone Else's Mail?

If you're receiving the previous tenants' mail, it usually means the previous tenants did not send a change of address form to the U.S. Postal Service. You should write something like "return to sender," "wrong address," or "NSP" (no such person) and put it back in the mailbox. The mail carrier will take care of it from there.

The USPS uses barcode readers to route mail, so if the letter has a barcode across the bottom, you should cross it out. A live person must handle the letter and enter the correction into the post office's computers. It may take three to four months to correct.

What If I Accidentally Opened the Mail?

Since intent is required to establish mail theft, just opening a piece of mail is not illegal. 

It is reasonable for you to assume the mail in your mailbox belongs to you. What is illegal is preventing the letter from reaching the intended recipient.

If you accidentally open mail in another tenant's name, reseal it and return it as discussed above. This is not considered tampering with the mail. Make sure you put everything back in the envelope before you seal it.

If you damaged the envelope and cannot safely reseal it, take it to the post office. Explain the situation. You're not the first person to accidentally open a former tenant's mail.

What If I Have Permission To Open the Mail?

If you have permission from the previous tenant, such as a roommate who moved out and didn't give you their new address right away, you may open the letter. Under federal law, an authorized agent may handle mail addressed to another person.

To avoid legal issues, you should have this permission in writing. This type of permission usually applies to secretaries opening their employer's mail and similar situations.

What If I'm the Property Manager? Can I Open the Mail of a Former Renter?

No. Property managers and landlords of rental properties may not:

Throw away mail from former tenants or deceased tenants

Throw away or destroy undeliverable mail

Open mail looking for new addresses

Fill out a change of address form for former tenants

Managers and landlords can only do the same things current tenants may do.

Talk to an Attorney if You Face Charges of Obstruction of Correspondence Opening and destroying mail intended for someone else is a felony crime. 

If you face criminal charges of mail tampering, you should speak to a criminal defense attorney at once to discuss your options.

https://www.findlaw.com/criminal/criminal-charges/is-it-illegal-to-shred-previous-tenants-mail.html

6262 - Thursday trees

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6261 - Long joke Sunday

I was going to continue with last Sunday's theme but the file I found is now lost again. Oh well, it'll show up again. In the meantime...

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"

The husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a Minute Love. At least let me tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", the wife sobbed, "but they will be the last words you say to me!"

The husband began: "Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless, and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

"She was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty, and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously.

"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away.

"I gave her the designer jeans you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

"I gave her underwear, your Anniversary Present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste.

"I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her.

"I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."

The husband paused, took a quick breath, and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,.....

“Please Sir......Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore"????

6260 - Saturday jokes

Doctor: I'm just waiting for your x-ray.

Her: But I've never dated anyone named Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame at the base, eventually it gets sucked into the bottle?

If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me.

I know a guy named Stew. He's a soupervisor.

I was sitting on the front porch watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.

An old woman comes to the fence and yells, "You should be hung!"

I yelled back, "I am, that's why she's mowing the lawn".

2 hydrogen buffalos and 1 oxygen buffalo equals 1 water buffalo.

My husband pissed me off so I told him to go call his girlfriend.

My phone rang. It was him. He asked to talk to personality #4 because #1 was having a bad day.

"He's not a hero. He thinks he is a hero because his ear was nicked. I like people who didn’t have their ear nicked."

- The Ghost of John McCain

Why did the RNC choose Trump?

Because he was earmarked for the job.

Let's go Thomas!

Make America Aim Again.

Why didn't someone yell, "DONALD, DUCK!"

He mocked people’s injuries, infirmities, and handicaps for years, now he’s acting like he just survived 6 months in combat with a Silver Star and 3 Purple Hearts.

Live your life in such a way that the entire world isn't ready to throw a party when you get shot.

90% of my Google search history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell.

Two things to make your day better:

1. Don't watch the news.

2. Stay off the bathroom scale.

You can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you.

Oh bummer... I got an email last night... From HR... "We have to talk."  What is strange is that I'm the only employee in my own business.

Why do billionaires care if they lose their money?

They'll just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and make it all back with their unbelievable work ethic.

Plus if they're poor, all the money will trickle back down to them, making them rich again.

If you try to correct my grammar I will think fewer of you.

That look you give your boyfriend when he accuses you of cheating and you think he's starting to sound just like your husband.

Him: Where you going?

Her: I'm going to donate some old clothes to starving people.

Him: Yeah, if they're wearing your clothes, they're not starving.

They should teach history in school again so kids can learn that people who steal top-secret military documents are called spies.

If Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief?

The same, actually.

A new report finds the most effective way to run well and recover quickly is to be 20 years old.

Whenever I have to fill out a form that asks who to call in case of emergency, I always put ambulance. Because no one in my family is going to answer a call from an unknown number.

Buy some CBD toilet paper so you can calm your ass down.

I've never been insulted by hateful Satanists for not believing in their Devil.

Only by loving Christians for not believing in their God.

Ricky Gervais

Isaac Newton discovered gravity in 1687.

Before that, people could fly.

Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to 'unstable'.

Them: Why is your password 917201999?

Me:

91 7 20 19 99 (Table of elements)

PA N CA  K ES

OK, hear me out: An old-fashioned candy necklace but with Tums and Ibuprofen.

Old guy on the computer: "There's no such thing as a 3 1/2-inch floppy these days."

Wife: "I think you'll find there is."