SOMETIMES I WRESTLE WITH MY DEMONS.
SOMETIMES WE JUST SNUGGLE.
I just saw online that
the a opposite of
"easy peasy lemon
squeezy" is
"stressed, depressed
demon possessed " &
I'm using that from
now on! (Deb)
Exorcist: I'm here to remove the
demon that has possessed you.
Me: I didn't call you.
Demon: I did. (Deb)
ONE Day yOu WILL FIND SOMEONE
who IS OBSESSED WITh you. IT WILL
PROBABLY BE A DEMON, bUT IT IS
whaT IT IS. (Deb)
*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: OUCH
Me: yeah ...
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS,
WHY ?? AND WHATS WRONG
WITH THIS SHOULDER ???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a
mint? (Deb)
When you try to pronounce
the name of your medication.
But accidentally summon Satan. (Deb)
Before therapy: I hate everyone.
After therapy: I am okay with hating everyone. (DWG)
tRUMP: I HAD BIGGER
CROWDS THAN
JESUS AT MY
RESURRECTION-
Pope: IT'S PRONOUNCED
INSURRECTION- (bohemian)
I used to read the Book of Revelation
and wonder how it was possible that
the Antichrist could deceive so many
Christians despite openly mocking
God and impersonating Christ. I don't
wonder anymore. (bohemian)
Impossible escape room scenario: I am put in a giant bookstore. Everything is 50% off and there is an open bar. The exits are wide open and are clearly marked. I have one hour to get out. (Bilbo)
Silly putty implies the existence of serious putty, otherwise known as C-4 or Semtex. (Bilbo)
A shop assistant fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun.
Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
"Hi. My name is Alicia and I will be
selling apple pies from 2pm-6pm for
only $5. If you would like one, please
call me at 999-999-9999."
People on social media:
1. Ohemmgeeee I want one how much are they?!
2. Hi, I would like a pie. What kind are you selling?
3. I just sent you a message. Could you please
send me the info on how to get a pie?
4. Yassss! I love pies! How can I order one?
5. Hello. I've sent several emails and no one will
email me back. I really want a pie.
6. What's the latest I can get a pie? I need to know
the cutoff time.
MY HUSBAND GREG, a professional
musician, was performing at a function
when a man there approached the
bandstand and asked the title of the tune
being played. When Greg told him, the
man got angry. Greg repeated it to make
certain his reply had been heard correctly,
but the man was now so annoyed that he
asked Greg to step outside. My husband
was saved by the man's wife. "Relax,
silly," she said. "It's the song by Michael
Jackson - Beat It."
To stop ants coming in to your house
leave a saucer of milk outside. The
adult ants drink it & it has an effect
on ant reproduction. The young are
born without toes so they can't
climb in to your cavity walls.
This effect is called lack toes in
toddler ants.
Q: What do you call dental X-rays?
A: Tooth pics
Q: What do you call a group of babies?
A: An infantry.
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
A: He pastaway.
Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
A: Because they lactose.
Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A: A dinosnore.
Q: Which way did the programmer go?
A: He went dataway.
Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet.
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name.
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between you and me, something smells.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.
Q: What do you call an alligator that wears a vest?
A: An investigator
Q: Are mountains just funny?
A: No. They are hillareas.
Q: Why didn't the bicycle stand up on its own?
A: It was two tired.
Q: What did the window feel when it was hit by a stone?
A: It felt the pane.
Wife: Please stop eating so much salt.
Me: Why?
Wife: Too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attacks, and strokes.
Me: So you're telling me too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: Pours salt on my food.
Dear Amazon,
I bought a toilet seat because I needed one.
Necessity not desire. I do not collect them.
I am not a toilet seat addict.
No matter how temptingly and repeatedly you email me,
I can assure you, ok not going to think, oh go on then,
one more toilet seat to treat myself.
Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches.
Wife: ok just throw them out.
[Later] Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase*
Look I'm as surprised as you guys.
Sometimes I feel like my brain has a lot of things to hold and no pockets. (Bilbo)
(Kathy⬇️)
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
___________________________________________________
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, a man took his four-year-old daughter on his afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day, the man found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As the man braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
____________________________________________________
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
____________________________________________________
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
____________________________________________________
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
____________________________________________________
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
____________________________________________________
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
____________________________________________________
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
____________________________________________________
The past, present and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense!
__________________________________________________
When I'm stressed, I like to iron clothes.
It's a great way to let off steam.
__________________________________________________
What do a doctor and a hot day have in common?
They both have a lot of degrees.
________________________________________________
Why is a doctor always calm?
They have a lot of patients.
_________________________________________________
What do you call a flying policeman?
A helicopper.
____________________________________________________
Why did he change his bike's tires?
Ir was time for retirement.
______________________________________________________
What's a zoo vet's biggest problem?
A giraffe with a sore throat.
____________________________________________________
Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open on Labor Day?
They are key workers
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