6475 - Long joke Sunday

An old, tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.

The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable, and falls asleep.

The man thinks it's rather odd, but lets him sleep.

After about an hour, the dog wakes up, walks to the door, and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.

The next day, the dog comes back and scratches at the door.

The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable, and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep.

After about an hour, the dog wakes up, walks to the door, and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.

This goes on for days.

The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."

The next day, the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

6474 - Saturday jokes

I need to get in shape.

If I were one of those victims in a crime show

My chalk outline would be a circle.

A fact is objective information.

An opinion is a personal belief.

Ignorance is a lack of facts.

And stupidity is a rejection of facts in favor of opinions.

I wanted to have a nice summer body for people to look at.

But I realized I like food more than I like people.

Republican Jesus: Thou shalt not care...

Then Jesus said unto the sick,

"You better have insurance."

Then Jesus said unto the stranger,

"Are you here legally?"

Then Jesus said unto the hungry,

"My taxes better not be paying for these loaves and fishes."

Then Jesus said unto the poor,

"This is your own fault."

Cop: Turn around

Me: Every now and then I get a little lonely and you never come round.

Cop: TURN AROUND!!

Me: Every now..*TASED*

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Cops just left. They said if I'm going to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside.

Nurse: Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs?

Patient: Yeah, I'm down for whatever. We should hang out sometime.

I love when people say "be yourself", like I haven't already been doing that and scaring everyone off.

Wife: My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After three days of trying, I think he lied to me.

Husband: 😁

You are told Socialism is bad by the same people who said Segregation was good.

(This has been me my whole life)

A girl caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans.

Her: Whatcha looking at?

Me: Sorry, your legs look great in those jeans.

Her: You should see me without them.

Me: Why would you take your legs off?

Old guy: For my second marriage, I married a 20 year old.

Her mother is also very attractive.

She is 38 and married my son.

My son is now my father-in-law.

As the father of my father-in-law, I'm now my own grandfather.

If you want to bring prayer into schools but not free lunch, you better stop pretending this is about Jesus. He would have fed the kids.

"Just cleared out some space in the freezer", sounds so much more productive than, "I just polished off another pint of ice cream."

My wife just texted me a selfie, asking "Does this dress make me look fat?"

I texted, "NOO!" 

Autocorrect sent, "MOO!"

The sound of connecting to dial-up internet just emanated from a distant corner of the office. All the millennials popped their heads up from their cubicles like a flock of prairie dogs being called by long forgotten ancestors.   

Text...

Her: Tell me a little about yourself.

Him: I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't hang out with women. I go to bed at 10 and get up at 6. Quiet, calm...

Her: You're perfect for me.

Him: But when I get out of prison, everything will change.

Space alien: Take me to your leader.

Earthling: You've sort of come at a bad time.

A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.

A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

@pizzaplace: I bought pizza and it was just the base, no cheese, no sausage, no meat, nothing!

pizzaplace reply: Hi there. We're concerned reading your feedback. Please DM us your contacts and order details so we can look into this.

@pizzaplace: My apologies. We didn't have electricity so I opened the box upside-down. Thanks for the swift response.

Ultra MAGA is when Trump spends and even pockets millions on his weekly golf excursions and then you bray about what a generous patriot he is to not take his 400k salary.

Dude, my phone rang during the funeral.

So?!

My ring tone is Highway To Hell.

Me during sex: Hurt me!

Her: I never wanted you.

Me: WHAT?

Her: And your Dad has a bigger one than yours.

Me: Mom, stop.

I bought a second-hand time machine next Tuesday. They sure don't make them like they're going to anymore. (Bilbo)

July 2nd...

Day 2 of celebrating straight people!

Like Florida republican Harrison Clark, elected to the local CSWCD. He was arrested for online solicitation of a minor.

Happy Straight Month!

(Comedian Steve Hofstetter)

Due to the high cost of medical tests, all you can do is pee under a tree and wait.

If ants gather - diabetes

If grass dries up - high salts

If it smells like BBQ - high cholesterol

If you forget to pull up you pants - Alzheimer's

I dated  girl with the same name as my mom. I wasn't allowed to call her by name during sex because it would remind her of my girlfriend. 

In the Life Alert commercial, the lady said she fell and waited 8 hours for her friend. Why didn't the cameraman help her?

(at your front door)

Knock knock knock

Who's there?

ICE.

What do you want?

We just want to talk.

How many of you are there?

Four.

Then talk to each other.

Smart planning takes time.

Stupid is immediate.

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.

Friendly reminder to MAGA that actual Christians would never build or celebrate the construction of concentration camps.

I am so tired of evil people winning.

Just so you know nothing accidentally goes in your butt.

Sincerely, the ER Staff

(I never claimed it was an accident.)

Dolly and Danae, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Dolly, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Danae, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Dolly explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Danae got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.

But not fire.

Fire works on the 4th of July.

A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. - The Declaration of Independence

I want to open a TWO dollar store for people that enjoy the finer things.

My friend forgot his laptop on the floor of my room.

My grandma thought it was a scale.

She weighs $950.

6473 - Thursday trees

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#Evolution had given this plant a lot of patience.

The Haleakalā silversword (Argyroxiphium sandwicense subsp. macrocephalum), found only on the high slopes of Maui’s Haleakalā volcano is a rare alpine plant that blooms just once in its lifetime. For decades, it waits in silence, its shimmering silver leaves gathering sunlight in the thin mountain air. Then, without warning and only once in its life, it blooms.

According to National Park Service, this event typically occurs after 20 to 50 years though some may flower as early as 7 years depending on environmental conditions. This final act of beauty lasts only about seven days. And then, having poured every ounce of stored energy into reproduction, the plant dies. It’s a symbol of endurance, timing, and the profound rewards of waiting. In a world driven by urgency, it stands as a quiet reminder: some of nature’s most magnificent displays require a lifetime to unfold.

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6472 - Long joke Sunday

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he’s 92). 

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. 

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting nearby.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors—green, red, orange, and blue. 

My dad kept staring at him. 

Every time the teen looked over, he’d catch my dad still staring.

Eventually, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to avoid choking on his comeback. 

I knew he’d have a good one, and, of course, in classic fashion, he didn’t even blink when he replied: “Got drunk once and had a wild night with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my son.”

6471 - Saturday jokes

All you "summer is better than winter" people get outside and enjoy your hellscape.

I don’t think the U.S. can go to war with Iran and Los Angeles at the same time.

In 2023, whites were responsible for 8,842 homicides in the U.S.. Undocumented Immigrants were responsible for 29. Americans are continuously lied to, but only MAGAts aren't smart enough to know any different.

tRUMP: Iran made a very big mistake!

Joe Smith: Did they elect you as president too?

I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something only I know about you because I've stalked you on the internet.

Customer: Can I take this medicine with diarrhea?

Pharmacist: Yeah, but it tastes better with water.

What caused the invention of archery?

"I really want to stab that guy but he's way over there".

He said he wanted a woman that could take his breath away.

So I farted.

Now he won't speak to me.

If you miss the way things used to be, tax a millionaire, join a union, and buy local.

Don't be sad on weekends.

Cry during business hours and get paid for your depression.

My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill, so I got him a get well soon card.

The despair you feel when important documents you held in your hands three days ago cannot seem to be found anywhere in the known universe.

The National Weather Service has just published instructions on how to bake lasagna in your mailbox.

If you have a truck with balls hanging from it, and your truck wasn't born with balls, and you put the balls on it via an elective process, you have a TRANS truck.

I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

It will really be a smartphone the day I yell, "Where's my phone?!" and it yells back, "Down here in the couch cushions!"

Am I supposed to pray over leftovers?

Lord it's me again, with the spaghetti from yesterday.

Sadly I saw my neighbor being carried out in a body bag this morning.

I said to my wife "Aww, the old gentleman across the road has died."

My wife said "Who, Ray?"

I said "I don't think cheering is appropriate."

What happens when you try to cook a joke?

You choke on the smoke of the joke.

Today I rewrote hiistory.

History.

What is a zebra?

25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

(And a double Z bra would be a ZZ Top.)

Sky diving...

Instructor: Pull your chute!

Me: My shoe?

Instructor: Your parachute!

Me: My pair of shoes?

Coroner: Where's his shoes?

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

I finally understand why I'm called a grown up.

I groan every time I get up.

1970s creepy guys van = 2025 starter home.

Just because you're going 10MPH over the speed limit doesn't mean you can drive in the left lane.

Some of us are trying to break the law for real.

It's so hot outside, when I opened my front door, I thought I was checking on my brownies.

What do we want?!

Racecar sounds!

When do we want them?

nnnnnnNNNNNNOOOOOoooowwwwwwwwwww

All it took for republicans to put their Islamophobia on full display was one Muslim winning a mayoral primary.

Despite getting trounced in the primary, Andrew Cuomo will stay in the race for NYC mayor as an independent.

Well, if there’s one thing we know about Andrew Cuomo is that he does not respect the word “no”.

I went to the doctor because I kept waking up with scratches all over my body. He couldn't find anything wrong with me. Turns out it was from Dorito crumbs in my bed.

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

No, I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the Courthouse.

I walked in and said to my wife, "I've been so busy I don't know whether I'm coming or going."

She said, "By the look on your face you're going. When you're coming you look like a fucking stroke victim trying to whistle."