Him: Do you want to hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.
Her: Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Georgia state trooper walked over to her car window while flipping open his ticket book.
The young woman said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper Ball."
He replied, "Georgia State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence.
And then he flipped closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car and left.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed.
Then I laughed.
Then we laughed.
Then I spoke in a voice not of this world and everyone ate their damn dinner.
The second someone hears capitalism or socialism or communism, the brain shuts off and the team jerseys go on.
Young Her: Serious question for the millennials ... my older cousin said she used to 'burn' CDs for her crush. Like ... with fire?
Was that a ritual? Did it work? You guys were literally practicing witchcraft just to get a text back and I'm scared of y'all.
Old Jake: The old magic will not be discussed with the children of new.
So I suppose that one day, some new boyfriend may find himself looking through my medicine cabinet, just to find out what kind of person I really am. And when he finds earwax drops, diarrhea medicine, four rolls of dental floss, six boxes of Band-Aids in various sizes, expired dog dewormer, large toenail clippers, thyroid medication, corn pads and therapeutic heat patches, his disappointment will be my personal delight.
Remember the good ol' days when you could hit your kid? If he was acting up people would say 'Hit him!" he'll learn.
My parents weren't like that. Their philosophy was 'Why wait until he acts up!'
I'M PRACTISING MINDFULNESS, COMPASSION, AND LOVING KINDNESS SO DON'T PISS ME OFF.
Monks praying to Buddha: Buddha, what makes us human?
Buddha: Selecting all images with traffic lights.
A woman in the Philippines spent four years praying to a green "Buddha" figure she purchased from a store, until one day a friend pointed out the Buddha figure she'd been praying to was actually Shrek.
I’ve reached the point in my life where ‘dying young’ isn’t on my list of worries. (Bilbo)
My neighbor is a friendly guy. He's a little self conscious about his leprosy but he's always willing to lend a hand.
A husband asks his wife, "Will you get married after I die?"
His wife replies, "No, I'll live with my sister."
She then asks him back, "Will you get married if I die?"
The husband responds, "No, I'll live with your sister also."
If we can just get through this month, we only have one more month to go before we need to get through another month. (Bilbo)
I’m a digital creator. You can download my finger paintings.
Converted the people, built churches and schools, expelled all snakes from the island...
Saint Hat Trick
Apple pi is a circumference food.
Republicans... "I like to think we aren't so much anti-science as we are pro-myth." (Bilbo)
Do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is Toilet backwards? (Debra)
Sometimes I want to be skinnier, but then I remember that body types are kind of like dog breeds, and if I'm a corgi who wants to lose weight to look like an Italian greyhound, that won't make me look like an Italian greyhound; it'll just make me look like a sick ugly corgi, SO ...
never mind.
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