6661 - Long joke Sunday

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the  doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. 

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the Morris goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. 

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. 

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' 

She says, 'Of course, Dear,'  and they make love for the third time. 

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. 

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. 

Again he taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...' 

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

6660 - Saturday jokes

<start Bilbo>

I believe the war against Iran has been valuable in teaching word meanings to those in government. For instance, the original meaning of "decimated" is "reduced by ten percent." (Bilbo)

I went to the bakery this morning and got day-old bread for half price. I think I’ll go by the filling station and see if they have yesterday’s gas. (Bilbo)

I wonder what it says about our technology that both our largest aircraft carrier and our most advanced spacecraft are having problems with their toilets. (Bilbo)

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I needed at the grocery store like coming home and unloading the groceries from the grocery store. (Bilbo)

"I find that worrying about what might happen takes my mind off worrying about what has happened." (Bilbo)

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people? (Bilbo)

<stop Bilbo>

My son's third grade teacher taught my son that 1 divided by 0 is 0. I wrote her an email to tell her that it is not 0. She then

doubled down and cc'ed the principal. The principal responded saying the teacher is correct ... What do I do now?

I'm mildly infuriated but I'm wondering if I'm just overreacting? Should I just stop fighting this battle?

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.” A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... “Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense.

An elderly gentleman goes for a check-up. After his exam the doctor said to the to the old fella, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the old man's elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. But the doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old bastard, she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January."

I got chatting with a girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."

Paddy had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. 

Mick says, "How you doin?" 

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get my slippers, me feet are freezing." 

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.   

He says,  "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." 

They say, "Get away with ya .... prove  it." 

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" 

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f’ing one?"

A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy. 

The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with. 

Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?" 

"Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again."

The airport here has a lactation room, and I didn't know what lactation meant,

the first time.

My new hearing aids are great.

I can now hear the safe word.

I had a colonoscopy. When it was over they said "we'll see you in 10 years".

I said, "The fuck you will!"

I found a new technique to improve my memory.

I quit listening to people.

A newlywed calls her mother and says, "On my wedding night, I discovered that John only has one foot." Her mother replies, "Count yourself lucky! Your father only has four inches."

I envy tRUMP. I wish I had the confidence to refuse to go away.

I'm not sure if my girl friend has called it quits with me. 

I found out she's dating this French guy named fiancée. 

6659 - Medical identity theft

Article about your medical card...

Medical identity theft doesn’t show up on your credit report. It doesn’t trigger a fraud alert. It looks like a billing error. By the time most people realize what happened, someone else’s blood type is in their permanent file.

Here’s how it works 

Criminals use your name, SSN and insurance to get surgery, chemo, prescriptions and emergency care. They get the treatment. You get the bill. And something far more dangerous. You get their medical history under your name.

The World Privacy Forum calls this “the information crime that can kill you.” If you walk into an emergency room and your file shows the wrong blood type, a drug allergy that isn’t yours or a diagnosis that changes how a doctor treats you, the consequences aren’t financial. They’re fatal. 

More than 2 million Americans have been victims. Average out-of-pocket cost: $13,500. Average time to untangle it: 210 hours. Getting false info removed from your medical record is a legal process that drags on for years.

Do these three things

1. Read every Explanation of Benefits your insurer sends. It’s not a bill. It’s a summary of every claim processed in your name. One procedure you don’t recognize is your first alert. Log into your insurer’s portal anytime to pull them up.

2. Request your medical records once a year. You’re legally entitled under HIPAA, and it’s free. Most providers use MyChart. Log in, find Health Summary or Medical Records, and look for anything that doesn’t match your history.

3. Guard your insurance card like cash. Don’t photograph it. Don’t text it. Don’t give the number to anyone who called you. Your health insurance number sells for up to $500 on the dark web. Your credit card number? About $5.

Turns out your insurance card is worth more than you think. Unfortunately, criminals know what it’s worth.

6658 - Thursday trees

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6657 - Long joke Sunday

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a

very lavish New York City Building, when a

young and beautiful woman gets into the

elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She

turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,

"Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an

ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman

gets on the elevator, and also very

arrogantly turns to the old woman saying,

"Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has

reached her destination and is about to get

off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks

both beautiful women in the eye, then bends

over, farts and says ...

"Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"