6652 - Saturday jokes

What did the grass seed say to the top soil?

We be lawn together.

Me: Did you know protons have mass?

Him: Ya ... atomic weight is the

number of protons plus the

number of neutrons ... electrons are so

small that they "don't have

mass", but they technically

do it's just so tiny that it

doesn't really weigh anything.

Me: .... I didn't even know they were catholic ...

Me: Your science ruined my joke.

Her: I went out with a guy that said he was sapiosexual.

Sapiosexual means the person is only attracted to smart people.

If you didn't know what that meant, don't worry about it.

You will not find a better example of an "easily triggered snowflake" than Donald J. Trump.

Everybody knows that mirrors don’t lie … I’m just grateful they don’t laugh. (Bilbo)

My wife told me about a dessert which has espresso poured over vanilla ice cream. 

I asked her the name of it, but she said she forgot.

(Affogato)

A few weeks ago it took me longer than is probably acceptable to realize that the reason the elevator wasn’t moving is because I was pushing the button for the floor I was already on.

IF KIDS GOT RAPED AT DENNY'S AS MUCH AS THEY GET RAPED AT CHURCH, IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL TO TAKE YOUR KIDS TO DENNY'S.

(facepalm)

Guy's a theist but a question has stuck with

him for a while now but he has definitely not

researched anything about it. He want to ask

because he saw a lot of fascinating things

today.

The question: if the meteorite showers

killed all dinosaurs, I presuppose it ended

all life forms. And if it did how can life still

come again on this planet? Because I

assume that life is random based on an

atheists view and for it to happen on this

same planet is really suspicious.

I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it’s been doing is gathering dust. (Bilbo)

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech.

He began by reading from his prepared text.

"I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life", he told the audience.

"She is a shining example of parenthood, more than words could ever do justice."

At this point, he seemed to struggle for words, and after a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, "Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting."

The worst part of living with my wife is that I'm also living with all her intrusive thoughts. 

Like last night as we were falling asleep I said, "I hope that you sleep well". 

And then through the darkness she replied, "I hope that whenever I die you die at the exact same time".

I see that M&M has decided to add an “alpha male” version to it’s classic candy - it’s all-white, extra bitter, melts down when mixed with differently-colored M&Ms, and has no nuts. (Bilbo)

Caller: Hi, is this Dan with the aluminum LS1 engine on Craigslist?

Dan: Yes it is.

Caller: Would you take $200 cash for it today?

Dan: $250 and it's yours.

Caller: $225

Dan: $230 and a 10 piece McNuggets.

Caller: That's the best counter offer I've ever heard. What kind of sauce do you want?

I don't think inside the box.

I don't think outside the box.

I don't even know where the box is.

6651 - Thursday trees

A mixture today of Bilbo and me trees.

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6650 - Scott MacFarlane

I thought I would look this up since the White Housers are picking on Scott MacFarlane right now for signing up with https://substack.com/@meidastouch. 

AI Overview

While a total, permanent shutdown of the global internet is technically impossible for a U.S. President, Donald Trump could legally attempt to disrupt or shut down internet access within the U.S. or in specific regions. This authority stems from an obscure 1934 law, the Communications Act of 1934 (Sec. 706, 47 USC 606), which allows for shutting down "wire communications" (internet/phones) during a declared national emergency. 

Legal and Technical Factors:

Emergency Power: The President can "cause the closing of any facility or station for wire communication" if a national emergency or threat to national security is declared.

The "Kill Switch": While there is no single, physical "internet kill switch," a president can order telecom companies and internet service providers (ISPs) to cease operations, effectively shutting down public access.

Legal Challenges: Such an action would likely face immediate and significant legal challenges regarding the First Amendment and the scope of presidential authority.

Scope of Impact: While the U.S. government can restrict domestic internet, it cannot turn off the internet in other parts of the world, say experts quoted by PBS and Cornell Tech researchers.

6649 - Long joke Sunday

A Doctor was addressing a large audience.

"The material we put into our stomachs is

enough to have killed most of us sitting here

years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks

corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets

can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the

long-term harm caused by the germs in our

drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most

dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that

causes the most grief and suffering for years

after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old

man in the front row, raised his hand, and softly

said, "Wedding Cake."

6648 - Saturday jokes

Fox News... "Always doing our best to distract you from the fact that we support a child molester."

Post...

In the 2015 film Jurassic World, Chris

Pratt's character carries this stainless

Marlin 1895 rifle, it is the only version on

their website rated for a T-Rex.

Commentor...

Works too! I shot a T-Rex two days ago.

Dropped like a sack of potatoes. Still don't

know why it was carrying a bucket of candy

though.

(sing along)

Hello darkness my old friend,

I stood up way too fast again.

I farted...

That's as close to giving a shit as you're going to get from me today.

I'm often mistaken for an adult because of my age.

Farmer: What are we growing this year?

Wife: Older, ruder, and more intolerant.

Welcome to he next round of 'you heard the cat puke, but don't know where'.

The exciting game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.

"I see dead people!"

"Oh, it's just you without makeup. My bad."

I heard somebody say that Joel Osteen looks like Martin Short pretending to be Tim Allen and I can't unsee it now. 

It's the most accurate statement ever uttered.

I’ve never been on a cooking show, but I put a kitchen towel over my shoulder once while I was boiling water. (Bilbo)

We note that it's the birthday of German scientist Georg Ohm, for whom the standard unit of electrical resistance is named. The standard unit of political resistance is called the Zelenskyy. A little-known fact about Mr. Ohm is that he spent much of his later life working as a cowboy in the American West, commemorated in the famous song "Ohm on the Range." (Bilbo)

Has anyone tried unplugging the USA and plugging it back in again?

I try to be a nice person but there are just too many stupid people out there.

I was going go take one of those Viking river cruises until I learned that you don’t actually get to loot the towns and monasteries along the route. (bilbo)

I wish nutritional labels on packaged foods included a “what if I ate the whole damn thing” section. (bilbo)

I’m amazed that libraries are able to keep fiction and non-fiction separate … that’s very difficult to do nowadays. (Bilbo)

There are multiple sections now. The Fake non-fiction, the Hoax non-fiction, the Alternate non-fiction, and the MAGA non-fiction. (Bob)

Converted the people, built churches and schools , expelled all snakes from the island...

Saint Hat Trick

I think my audience in Honolulu laughed only to be polite. It was more a low ha than true laughter.

Now that I'm older I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience.

Turns out I just don't give a shit.

Never underestimate the healing power of listening to your favorite music on full blast while dancing around the house like an idiot.

I tried that Japanese decluttering trend where you hold each thing you own and throw it out if it doesn't give you joy. So far I've thrown out all the vegetables and the electric bill.

Them: How many pushups can you do?

Me: If they're the orange flavor I know for a fact I can do 7 of them in one sitting.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

I signed up for a zoom workout that was too advanced for me.

So when the instructor said to "do a plank, and then bring your knee to the opposite elbow," 

I did a modified version, where I turned off my computer, and made pancakes.

IF THE BREAD DELIVERY GUY IS A REDHEAD,

IS HE THE GINGER BREADMAN?

Teacher: The assignment can be about anything you want.

Me: Glory Hole Etiquette

I WAS POPULAR ONCE BUT MY THERAPIST TOOK ALL MY IMAGINARY FRIENDS AWAY.

I Need To Teach My Facial Expressions How To Use Their Inside Voice.

Aibohphobia is the fear of palindromes. Palindrome - A word spelled the same forward and backward. 

The guy that named the phobia was evil.

What if lollipops moaned every time you licked them?

Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful.