If you need the threat of hell to be a good person, then you're just a bad person on a leash.
It's not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Winter is coming. Don't forget to reverse your battery so that the heat comes on in your car instead of the AC.
They're asking the public to come up with a name for a probe going to... Uranus.
...
Deep Intrusion Scientific Device & Interrogation Craft - DISDIC
The Last Plug
Proby McProbeface
Long-term Uranus Bound Explorer - LUBE
Suppository 1
Uranal Probe
Research Education Charging Towards Uranus Mission
Uranus Curiosity
IFL Uranus
If your palm itches, you're going to get something.
If your crotch itches, you've already got it.
Mom: So what did you do at school today.
Kid: Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.
I went to a comedy and philosophy show and I laughed more than I thought.
My new sweater had a lot of static, so I returned it.
They gave me a new one free of charge.
I'm lazy, chubby, and cynical.
I love food, naps, and soda.
I hate Mondays, people, and exercise.
I never thought I would grow up to be Garfield.
Sister Teresa was known to be the smartest nun in the convent.
She was better known as nun the wiser.
'Don't kid yourself' would be a great slogan for a condom company.
Rat: Pig, it's noon. Why are you still in bed?
Pig: Because nothing that will happen today will be better than the warmth and comfort that I have here.
Rat (in bed with Pig): You may have solved life.
If people use a banana for scale, what do you use to show the size of a banana?
I still think 'nonfungible' sounds like 'cannot be turned into a mushroom'.
Cyclist repeatedly fails the Captcha test after failing to identify images with traffic lights.
I shaved my legs today.
I donated the hair to Locks Of Love
We should probably stop putting people who are preparing for the rapture in charge of things.
Teacher: Make a sentence using the word 'dough'.
Kid 1: You make pizza with special dough.
Kid 2: I make shapes with playdough.
Kid 3: Mom said dad is useless so she has to use a dill dough.
Ouch! Did it hurt? When you realize 2024 is just 4 months away and you're still processing 2019 which was almost 5 years ago.
Why is spicy the only flavor my butt can detect?
Why can't I eat pancakes and then 14 hours later be like OOH, PANCAKES AGAIN!
Life is a tornado and I'm just a cow being spun around for cinematic effect.
Sometimes I think I'm too picky.
Then I watch my dog looking for a place to poop.
Do you know how women hold their liquor?
By the ears.
Her: I'd tell you to kiss my ass but I'm pretty sure you'd fall in love, and then I'd never get rid of you.
Him 1: Do you know where I can get a toupee?
Him 2: Not off the top of my head.
My bank has informed me that Facebook friends cannot be used as references for a car loan.
I'll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells back "Down here in the cushions!"
It's never too late to be what you want to be.
Unless you want to be younger...
Then it's TOO late.
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