2738 - Jokes

A few old jokes here but someone may not have heard all of them...

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A married couple rushes to the hospital because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.
When the birthing process starts, the doctor goes ahead and says, "Okay, let's start easy. Transferring 20% of the pain to the father."
After a few minutes, the husband, seeing that his wife is still in a lot of pain, asks for more.
The doctor says, "Okay, transferring 40% of the pain to the father."
The husband, noticing that he is feeling totally fine and his wife is still in pain, asks for more.
"Okay, transferring 70% to the father."
After a few more minutes, the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, I can handle this, give me all of it."
So the doctor transfers 100% of the pain to the father. The husband seems completely normal, and the wife ends up giving birth with relatively zero pain. Happily, the couple heads home.
When they arrive, they find the mailman dead on the porch.


An American, an Englishman and a Frenchman are all captured by cannibals.
The head cannibal says, "sorry to break this to you but we're going to kill you, eat you, and use your skin to make canoes. But there is some good news, we're going to let each of you choose how you'd like to die."
The Englishman stiffens his upper lip and says, "I'm going with a gunshot." So the cannibals hand him a gun and say, "there's only one bullet so don't mess up." The Englishman takes it, says "long life the Queen!" and then boom.
The Frenchman says, "Donnez-moi le poison." The cannibal says, "I'll assume you asked for poison." The Frenchman takes it, says "I was always better than all of you," and drinks it down.
They then turn to the American who says, "I want you to stab me to death with a fork." The cannibal is a bit taken aback. "Uh, that seems really, really painful. Why would you want that." And the American replies, "because screw your canoe!"


A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Arrh!" says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Aye," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Arrh," says the pirate, "One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them… arrgh, he, pooped in me eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!"
"Well," says the pirate, "'Twas me first day with me hook.”


A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head.
He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrrrr..." says the pirate. "There's a bounty on me head!"


My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile today.
Pretty big word for an eight year old.


A man was shot with a starter pistol at the track, police think it may be race related.


What do gynecologists and pizza delivery drivers have in common?
They're close enough to smell it, but can't have a taste.


Last night I had to change a light bulb, a bit later on I crossed the road, and then walked into a bar. I began to realize my life was one big joke.


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?