2773 - Saturday jokes

My wife and I were happy for 20 years...
..then we met.


The campus bookstore was just robbed of $2,000 of merchandise. The thief was seen running away with a sweatshirt and 4 textbooks.


There is a prestigious and hard-to-get-into club of people who invented things that plug into computers, like the USB, HDMI, ethernet and so on. This club meets regularly but then, after a few years, the inventor of the USB died. It was a very sad time, but they held a beautiful funeral service for him. The other club members served as pallbearers and lowered the coffin into the grave. Then, they lifted it up again, turned it 180 degrees.


My grandpa has walked 6 miles every day since 1987.
It's 2014 now and we don't know where the hell he is.


Where do Peek-a-boo patients go?
The ICU.


A Scotsman walks into a bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in bed reading a book, says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."
The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."


An Irishman walks into the pub and orders three pints. The bartender asks. "Why three?" The man replies, "I told my two brothers back in Ireland that every day I would drink a pint to remember each of them."
Time goes by, and every day the man orders three pints. Then one day, he orders only two. The bartender suddenly realizes what's happened, and says, "I'm so sorry for your loss."
The man says, "Whatever do you mean?"
"Well, I see you've ordered just two pints, I figured one of your brothers must've died."
"Oh, no, my brothers are just fine. But me, I've given up drinking."


I saw my first porn film yesterday.
I couldn't believe how thin I was back then.


Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Don't play hide and go seek
with Oscar Pistorius.


A Rabbi and a priest went for a walk while attending a religious convention. They stopped at a lake and decided to go for a swim. Since they did not have a change of clothes, both decided they would skinny dip. Just as the last bit of clothing was stripped off a group of people came from the conference. The priest quickly covered his crotch with his hands while the rabbi placed his hands over his face. As the crowd got closer the priest said to the rabbi, "Why don't you cover your shame"? The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but people recognize me by my face."


A man saw a priest and said, "Father I have sinned!" The priest asked what the man's sin was. The man said, "I'm 86 years old and I had sex with a 26 year old girl!" The priest told the man to go home and say 6 hail Mary's. The man says he can't because he is Jewish. The priest asks, "So why are you telling me?" The man says, "I'm telling everyone!"


A policeman pulled a guy over today after his wife fell out of their car. He said, "Sir, did you know your wife fell out of your car?" He said, " Oh thank god! I thought I had gone deaf."


Paddy and his friend were hired to install telegraph poles.
After his first day his boss approaches and asks how many poles they installed yesterday.
Paddy says, "Two".
"TWO!" says his boss, "My other guys can put 10-15 poles in a day".
"Yes, but do you see how far theirs are sticking out of the ground?"


A doctor goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket to take out his pen. He pulls out a rectal thermometer and says, "Hey! Some asshole's got my pen!"