2871 - Saturday jokes

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."


A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed the husband gave the old story, "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her.
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said, "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" then switching on the light.
"No madam", said the gardener.


Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society. One of my female friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
Damn Subway...


At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."


A man visits a house of ill-repute. He tells the woman, "I've seen everything and done it all. I need an experience I've never had before." The madam summons a rather plain looking young woman and says, "This is Susan. She's for you." The man seems unimpressed but resigns himself to the choice. She takes him to her room, sits him down on the bed, and begins to fondle his manly bits. After his interest is fully aroused, she pops out a glass eye, and uses her empty eye socket to gratify him. As he's leaving, he says to the madam, "That was the most amazing experience! Can I come back tomorrow?" The madams says, "Absolutely--I'll tell Susan to keep an eye out for you."


Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car in Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your chest, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Mary Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"
Sister Mary Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?!"


So this old man, Jesus, and Moses are playing golf. Moses hits his ball in the pond, so for his next shot he parts the water and hits the ball in the hole. Jesus's shot lands on a lily pad in the pond, so he walks onto the water and hits his next shot off the lily pad into the hole. The old man tees up his shot, but when he swings, he completely misses and the ball slowly rolls away from the tee box. Suddenly, a bird swoops in and picks up the ball and flies over the pond where the ball is dropped. In the pond, the ball is swallowed by a frog. The frog hops out of the water and spits out the ball onto a road where it gets hit by a truck. The impact of the truck's tires launches the ball back onto the golf course and into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."


I have insomnia. My doctor says it's very common and that I shouldn't lose any sleep over it.


Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Jean Claude Van Damme, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?".
Chuck Norris said, "I would be Motzart." Jean Claude Van Damme said, "I would be Bethoven." Arnold said, "I'll be Bach!"


A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. HEY! You're right!"


Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon.


A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey! Hey, you!" it said.
"What?" She asked.
"You know what!"