2899 - Saturday jokes

Timmy was a Chemist
But now he is no more
What he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4


Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests..Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you..'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'


What's the difference between a rock band and a jazz group?
The rock band will play 3 chords in front of 1000 people.
The jazz group will play 1000 chords in front of 3 people.


I was playing a quiet game of Scrabble with a friend and he's a very sore loser. He was losing so badly, that he got extremely angry, picked up the bag and started throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.
I managed to dodge this, there and then. But I did not see that coming.


My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake.
But I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.


A wife was lying in her bed with her fourth husband, they were just married and very much in love. Says the wife, "please be gentle, I am still a virgin." So the husband asks, "how can you be a virgin if you've been married three times?".
Says the wife:
'My first husband was a psychiatrist and when it came to my cooch, all he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynaecologist and when it came to my cooch, all he wanted to do was look at it.
My third husband was a stamp collector. Sigh, I miss that man.'


Confucius Say-
-It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.
-Man who run behind bus get exhausted.
-Man who run in front of bus, get tired.
-Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
-Man who fart in church sit in his own pew.
-Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
-Man who go sideways through airport turnstile, going to Bangkok.
-Woman who fall in love with elevator operator, usually get the shaft.
-Woman who dances in jock strap has imaginary ball room.
-Man who fishes in other man's pond only catches crabs.


I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.


I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's just something I could really see myself doing.


A teacher has administered a multiple choice test to his students. During the exam he notices one student is flipping a quarter and then filling in his answer key. This continues throughout the exam. Nearing the end of the exam, the teacher notices the student picking up pace. He is flipping his quarter faster and faster and frantically erasing and scribbling on his test. The teacher approaches the student and asks "what are you doing?"
"Just double checking my answers"


My boss bought a new sports car and parked it in his space while I was walking by him. I congratulated him to his newest purchase. He said, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals, do overtime and work with determination, I will be able to buy an even better one next year."


A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.


Did you hear about the guru who refused to let the dentist use Novocain to numb his mouth?
The guru said he wanted to transcend dental medication.


My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well today.
I was amazed. I didn't know they actually worked.