3259 - Saturday jokes

A wife and husband decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.
Therapist: "So, what seems to be the problem?"
Wife: "I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time."
Husband: "Divorce is strong with this one."


An old married couple is laying in bed when the husband fart. "Seven points," he says.
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'Its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Halftime, switch sides'.


A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?" "By hiking." "Hiking?" "Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."


Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.
The governor: Fine people...I don't know.
Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?
Farmer: I'm a farmer.
Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?
Without hesitation the farmer says yes. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced.
Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course.
Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government.
Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask.
Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?
Farmer: I actually have two cows.


I ate five cans of alphabet soup.
I had the biggest vowel movement of my life.


At the local country club, a golfer joined the club-tournament and won a bottle of whiskey. He then came home to his wife completely dirty, bloody and confused. She asked him: "What happened?"
He answered: "Everything is fine... I won a bottle of whiskey at the country club, but because I rode my bike today, I worried that if I fell on the way home, my bottle would get smashed! So in order to save my whiskey, I drank the bottle before riding home. And I have got to say that was a good idea, because I fell like SIX times on the way home!


A friend of mine got new a hearing aid and he was ecstatic over how much better he could hear.
"It's like night and day", he said. "I can't believe all the sounds I was missing".
I asked, "What kind is it?"
He answered, "About a quarter to four".


An Englishman a Welshman and an Irishman were building a skyscraper, the Englishman opened his sandwiches and said, "Dammit, if my wife makes me pork sandwiches I'll jump off this building", the Welshman opens his and says, "If my wife makes tuna again I'll jump off as well". The Irishman opens his and says "Corned beef again, if I get these tomorrow I too will jump off with you two."
The next day the three men open their sandwiches, the Englishman has pork, and jumps off, the Welshman has tuna, so he too jumps off, the Irishman has corned beef and jumps off.
At their funerals their wives are talking, the Englishman's wife says, "He should have said, I didn't know he hated pork." The Welshman's wife nodded in agreement, but the Irishman's wife was confused, she said, "But Pat made his own sandwiches"


I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job.
It was an anti climax.


A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they were eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean. She doesn't know how to wash correctly". Her husband looks on remaining silent. This goes on for awhile.
One day the woman is surprised to see nice clean wash one the line. She say, "Look, she's finally learned how to do the wash. I wonder how she did it?"
The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and washed our windows."


Jesus walks into a restaurant and says to the Maitre'd, "Table for 26 please".
Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says, "But there are only 13 of you."
Jesus replies, "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side".


5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.


So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "Come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job".
Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.
A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.
"Something about a job."


Ted stopped on the side of the road after seeing a hitchhiker.
Hitchhiker: "Hello there. Is the city far?"
Ted: "No."
Hitchhiker: "May I get in your car?"
Ted: "Yes."
After a couple of hours of driving in silence...
Hitchhiker: "Is the city far?"
Ted: "Now it is."