3364 - Saturday jokes

"You da bomb!" "No you da bomb!"
A compliment in America, an argument in the middle east.


There once was a milkman in a village. He was always very meticulous about giving a person the exact amount of milk they wanted.
So you could imagine the milkman's surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house.
He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before.
When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff's bench.
"Baker, what is your complaint?" asked the judge.
"Well, here's the situation. Everyday I order a pound of milk. But, whenever I go to weigh it, it's always less than a pound. I want to be compensated for all of the money that was stolen from me by that filthy milkman!"
The judge turned to the milkman and asked, "Well, how do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honor."
"Is it possible that your scale you use to weigh is not correct?" asked the judge.
"Well, your honor, I can't afford the most expensive scale. But I am positive that what I use is satisfactory."
The judge asked, "Is it possible that the stones you use as the counterbalance on the scale are slightly off?"
"I don't use stones." The milkman said.
"So, what do you use?" The judge asked.
"I use the pound of bread I get from the baker as the counterbalance."


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island a moderate distance from shore. The brunette tries to swim back, gets tired a quarter of the way there and heads back to the island. The redhead tries to swim back, gets tired a third of the way there and also heads back. The blonde gets halfway there, gets tired, and also swims back.


A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he looked through the window and shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, ma'am. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."


Why don't Italians do bondage?
Because they can't say the safeword while they're wearing handcuffs.


A man is doing yard work and needs the rake, so he yells to his wife on their second floor bedroom. She comes to the window but can't hear him so he points to his eye, points to his knee, then makes raking motions. His wife seems confused for a moment them points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her butt, then points to her crotch.
The man is confused and aroused so he runs upstairs for clarification. He explains the meaning of his sign language and his wife says explains. "Eye, Left Tit, Behind, The Bush."


I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said, "$500 and it's yours."


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.


A woman shoots her husband for stepping on her clean floor.
The police officer on scene calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

 
Alcohol poisoning is a liver die situation.



This homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it.
I told him, "Yeah I get it, you have more money than me."