3609 - Saturday jokes

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.


When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and looking for a girl with big tits.


Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?
Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but cat-scan.


All the knights in the Kingdom we're leaving for the Crusade.
One knight told his trusty servant,
"My bride is the most beautiful woman in the country. If I die, I do not want such beauty to be wasted. So I'm leaving you the key to her chastity belt to be used if I do not return from my journey."
The knight had only gone a short distance when he heard a horse charging up behind him.
The horseman who approached was the Knight's servant.
"Hey", he said.
"You gave me the wrong key!"


When life gives you melons, you have dyslexia.


"One mans trash is another mans treasure", is a good quote.
But apparently its not the best way to tell your kid he's adopted.


What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A trip without the kids.


My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go f**k myself.