3637 - Saturday jokes

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, she's holding a hand grenade.


The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it. Would anyone like to try?" Little Johnny quickly stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?" There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the answer appeared on the screen: "Fishing in Florida." Little Johnny laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question." The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better. Little Johnny thought and said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the screen lit up with an answer: "Dead. But your father is still fishing in Florida."



Women fall in love with what they hear and men with what they see.
That's why men lie and women wear make-up.


My girlfriend is so smart!
I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!


My girlfriend said to me, "I'm seeing another man."
I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."


A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."


My friend looked at my pregnant wife and said: "I wonder if it isn't really hot in there, for the baby".
I replied: "It's likely womb-temperature."


How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is it one or two? One... or two?