3882 - Saturday jokes

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I had to quit cold turkey.


I'm undecided about abortion.
On one side it's killing babies and I'm all for that, but it gives women a choice.
Do we really want that?


I'm 60 days clean. It's been hard showering for 60 days, but thankfully the heroin has helped me through it.


I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.
And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.


A man walks up to a bar and the bouncer says, "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looking for a tie; only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance and says, "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!".


What does a king call his robe?
His reign jacket.


If a crack forms in your backyard,
is it your fault?


After making love, my wife looked at me disgusted and slapped me across the face
Shocked, I said "What the hell was that for?!"
She said, "That's for 40 years of bad sex!"
I slapped her, and she said,"What was that for?"
"That's for knowing the difference!"


An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."


A man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"


I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis...
Just to let her know I was thinking of her.


I have a friend who says that he hates all comforters.
I told him that he shouldn't make blanket statements like that.


Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere.


What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA?
Automatic acceptance into ISIS.


What do ISIS and little miss muffet have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way.