3903 - Saturday jokes

I've bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas.
It's a stocking stuffer.


Have you heard of the disease you get when you kiss a bird?
It's called chirpes.
or It's a canerial disease.
or It's untweetable.
or It's a a fowl disease.


A clown held the door open for me today.
Nice jester I thought.


In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God says, "Let there be light". Now there was still nothing, but at least you could see it.


What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?
She drops him off at band practice.


Why is there an angel on top of the Christmas tree?
One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress. He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, his sleigh wasn't loaded and the elves were talking about going on strike. An angel walks into his office and asks, "Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?"


Yo' Mama is so ugly, her imaginary friend plays with other kids.


A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."


The perk of being a test tube baby is you get a womb with a view.


I was on a plane and saw my freind Jack.
I shouted, "Hi Jack".
It was a long wait for the next plane.


My grandma recently claimed she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein.
It was a stroke of genius.


Having sex is a lot like my hot teacher giving an exam.
They both end with my teacher saying, "Everybody in the class did it better than you".


My wife woke me in the middle of the night and said, "I think there's somebody in our kitchen."
So I went down there with a baseball bat and sorted the sucker out. When I returned to the bedroom, the bat covered in blood, my wife look astonished. She said, "My goodness. You taught him a lesson!" "Yeah," I said, "that will teach our son to never take one of my beers."


To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.


A boy goes to his Mom and says, “Mom, how come you’re white and I’m black?”
His Mom replies, “Son, the way I remember that party, you’re lucky you don’t bark.”