3938 - Saturday jokes

On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke.
If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked, "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said, "I know I just now got the first one!!!"


I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.


Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.


Police Officer: Sir it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.
Man: Yeah but she has a great personality.


A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."


An older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."


The bible verse everyone likes - Lunch 11:35


[in heaven after crucifixion]
Jesus: "They were horrible dad, I'm not going back there."
God: "See, the thing is..."


As his name is not "Biggest Bird", we are to assume that Sesame Street is home to at least one, if not more, truly immense birds.


A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 grueling years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.”


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you."
So I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.