4148 - Saturday jokes

I had an older male coworker tell me that I looked better with my glasses off, I responded with, “you look better with my glasses off too.”


A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him, "Do you have any criminal record?"
He replied, "I didn't know this was still a requirement"


I get ignored so much my name should be Terms and Conditions.


I can't even count on one hand the number of times I've survived frostbite.
It's three.


What do lesbian pirates say?
Arrr, scissor me timbers.


Found out my wife was cheating on me...
with my girlfriend.


My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.


My girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back.
I said, "Yes, who did you think it was?"


A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Bill and Donna .
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Donna felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Bill was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Bill managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Bill's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Bill began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Donna.


I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
He said, “Are you mad at her?”
I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”


I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self.
That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.