4558 - Saturday jokes

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat-shaming" jokes these days.
Maybe they need to lighten up.


What’s America’s favorite fruit?
Mmmmm peach!


I told my wife that I’m really getting into Beyonce.
She said, ‘whatever floats your boat’. I said, ‘no, that’s buoyancy’.


Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don’t appreciate random people knocking on their door.



What will happen if you have a wooden car with a wooden engine and wooden wheels?
It wooden start.

What if you made a steel car with steel engine and steel wheels? It steel wooden start.

And if you knitted a sweater for the car? The darn thing steel wooden start.



I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint.
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.


My girlfriend was picking a bra to buy when I said, "Bras don't suit you, you're too flat"
My girlfriend then said, "Well, you wear briefs right?"


A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub.
He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down a plastic bag he is carrying.
The bartender asks, "What's that?"
The guy answers, "6 pounds of explosives"
"Thank Christ for that", says the barman, "I thought it might be bagpipes."


I'm holding a bee in my hands. What is in my eye?
Beauty.


I thought my new girlfriend might be 'the' one.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.


“A Beginner’s Guide to Boxing”.
By Bob Andweave.


I was explaining to my psychiatrist that I am having visual and auditory hallucinations, and then he just vanished.


How much room does a fungus need?
As mushroom as possible.


It's hard for a solitary bird to make a pun.
But toucan.


I was looking at a playground the other day and thought,
Y'know slides I can get down with, but swings, I go back and forth on.


A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.
They walk up to God and ask to be married.
God says give me some time and I’ll get back to you. Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.
A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask for a divorce.
God responds, “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”


I ran into a friend who asked me, "Hey, was it you or your brother that died?"
I said, "You're going to have to call my brother. he'll probably know."