6376 - Long joke Sunday

Three writers, Frank, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a author's convention, booked a three bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

Upon arriving back at their inn from the convention, a mortified receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are out of order. Until fixed, you will have to hike the stairs."

Now, Frank was a teller of funny stories, Ben was a conjurer of spooky stories, and Carl was a crafter of sad stories. 

The three of them concluded that, to make the trek to the top more tolerable, Frank would tell the other two his most hilarious stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Ben would intone his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would regale them with his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.

They began the arduous climb to the top story, and Frank banged out the zaniest yarns he had ever put to paper. 

By the time they reached the 25th floor, Ben and Carl were howling hysterically.

Then Ben started to intone his spooky stories. 

By the time they hit the 50th floor milestone, Frank and Carl were wide-eyed and hugging each other in fear.

Then the spotlight was turned on poor Carl, and just as he started to narrate his most sorrowful sagas, he shrugged his shoulders, looked down in sadness, put his hands in his pockets for effect, and it then struck him that he had just had the inspiration for his most mournful tale yet:

"I'll tell my saddest story of all right off the bat," he says looking up: "There once was a man named Carl who left the hotel room key in the car..."

6375 - Saturday jokes

Just a helpful reminder as Christmas approaches: if your birth year starts with 19, wrap your presents on a table, not the floor. (Bilbo)

There is no truth to the persistent rumor that France intends to seize control of the Rock of Gibraltar from England and rename it “De Gaulle Stone.” (Bilbo)

He's paved the rose garden. He's bulldozing the White House. There's a planned UFC fight on the lawn. What in the white trash hell is happening?! (Peggy)

I just want to go back to a time where my first thought of the day is not, "what the hell did he do now?” (Bilbo)

Why is a cow tired after giving birth?

Because they're decaffeinated.

Which green beans never get hired to act anymore?

The has beans.

What Thanksgiving treat is the most popular at the kids table?

Crayon-berry sauce.

If leaves come from trees, where do turkeys come from?

Poul-trees.

A door-to-door salesman knocks on the front door of a house.  It's answered by a 12-year-old holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.

The salesman asks, "Are your parents home?"

The kid replies, "What do you think?"

I gave my friend an apple. 

He said he'd prefer a pear, so I gave him another apple.

Why does the mushroom always get invited to parties! 

Because he’s a fungi!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 

”Why the long face?"

What do you call a hippie's wife? 

Mississippi.

If the Indians had shot a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving.

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

Bathroom sign next to toilet in restaurant...

Patrons who have consumed the double chili kabab are advised to fasten the seatbelt.

tRUMP’s healthcare plan has been “two weeks away” for so long it technically qualifies as a pre-existing condition. (Bilbo)

Instead of saying "Who's your daddy?", I accidentally said "How's your daddy?"

So we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes.

Scientists planted human brain cells in a Sweet Potato. 

Its very first words, “I think therefore I yam”.

Mourning people really enjoy funerals before lunch.

I heard Ted Danson is going to portray astronomer Carl Sagan in a movie.

I think they should call it 'Danson with the Stars'.

I’m an adult, in the same way that a tomato is technically a fruit.

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise with it?

If one plant is exceptionally happy, is the other green with envy?

Bugs Bunny won't accept files through Google Drive.

He'll only accept a WhatsApp Doc.

My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

We went out to eat and I ordered a turkey dinner. 

The server brought me a plate of grains, berries, and cracked corn! 

I asked, “What’s this?” 

He said, "That’s what turkeys eat!"

This morning I saw an envelope on my doorstep that said: ‘Do Not Bend'.

I stood there for ages trying to figure out how to pick it up.

You might be fat if your pee smells like gravy.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

What’s worse than having ants in your pants?

Having uncles in your pants.

I got so embarrassed after I moaned loudly during my rectal exam.

My patient didn't know what to think.

Got into a fight with a salad today and lost.

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

The neighborhood mailman was retiring and on his last day, the blonde opens the door in a see-through nightgown, takes him into the bedroom and gives him the best sex ever. Afterwards, the blonde cooks breakfast for the mailman, and places a dollar next to mailman’s plate. Taken aback, the mailman tells the blonde, “The sex was amazing, and the breakfast was delicious, but why is this dollar here?” So the blonde replied: ”When I told my husband that you were retiring, he said: ”Fuck him! Give him a dollar! “But the breakfast was my idea.”

My friend told me I was courageous for golfing so badly in front of people.

I said it doesn't take courage, but it does take a lot of balls.

6374 - Thursday trees

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

6373 - Mold on food

Everything you wanted to know about mold that grows on food.

https://www.fsis.usda.gov/food-safety/safe-food-handling-and-preparation/food-safety-basics/molds-food-are-they-dangerous 

In the US, Thanksgiving leftovers are a mold target.

6372 - Long joke Sunday

A guy on a long-haul flight is desperate to use the bathroom.

The men’s room is occupied, and he’s doing the potty dance in the aisle.

A sympathetic stewardess whispers, "Look, I’ll let you use the ladies' room, but you must promise: Do not touch the buttons on the wall. They are for female hygiene only."

He promises, rushes in, and relieves himself. As he sits there, he notices four buttons: WW, WA, PP, and ATR.

Curiosity gets the better of him. "Who’s gonna know?" he thinks.

He presses WW. A gentle spray of Warm Water washes his backside. "Man," he thinks, "The guys just get rough toilet paper. This is class!"

He presses WA. A stream of Warm Air dries him comfortably. "Unbelievable! Why don't we have this?"

He presses PP. A Poof of Powder scents the air and leaves him feeling fresh. "This is the greatest bathroom experience of my life!"

He looks at the final button: ATR. He thinks, "If the other three were that good, this one must be the finale." He pushes it.

Everything goes black.

He wakes up in a hospital bed with tubes running out of his arm and a dull ache in his groin. He sees a nurse and croaks, "What happened? The last thing I remember was the ATR button."

The nurse grimaces. "Yes, sir. You were having a great time until then. WW is Warm Water, WA is Warm Air, and PP is Powder Puff."

"Yeah, yeah, but what is ATR?" he begs.

"Sir, ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your penis is in the jar on the nightstand."