6331 - Long joke Sunday

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said. "Good morning, ladies."

And the novices replied. "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."

But once they were passed, she heard one novice say to another. "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was surprised but decided not to pursue it.

Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. 

They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper. "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.

Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. 

They exchanged greetings, but Sister Mary added right to her face. "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."

Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"

6330 - Saturday jokes

You know you're old when you don't recognize the host or the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. 

One signs to the other, “Boy was my wife mad at me last night. 

She went on and on and wouldn’t stop!” 

The other one says, “When my wife goes like that I just don’t listen.”

“How do you manage that?” 

“It’s easy! I turn off the light!”

Oh great, Daylight Saving Time is over.

Now we can all enjoy the sunset while we're eating lunch.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems.

Pick one person you don't like and blame them for everything.

So just to be clear, Dems rigged the election against tRUMP in 2020 but then just forgot to do it this time around?

I'm not sure who needs to hear this, but you don't need anything from Amazon today. HA!

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Gopher, Netscape with frames, the first browser wars, searching with AltaVista, pop-up windows self-replicating, trying to uninstall RealPlayer. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

We aren’t ending friendships over politics, we’re ending friendships over morals.

There is a huge difference.

The only thing you can do about awful people is not be one of them.

Study: Anxiety Natural Response To Suited Men Wearing Shades Closing In From All Angles.

You donate a kidney and you're a hero.

You donate five kidneys and suddenly the police are involved.

Genie: You have three wishes.

Lamp rubber: 1 - Do the opposite of my next wish.

2 - Don't fulfill my third wish.

3 - Ignore my first wish.

Genie: Error error error error error error error error...

Was in the pub last night and telling my mates the joke about, "What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath... throw your washing in" ... The bloke on the next table said, "My brother who's epileptic had a fit in the bath and died"... Well, if the ground could swallow me up, I apologized and asked him if he drowned. He said, "No, he choked on a sock".

So, the country's going to be run by a bankrupt "businessman," a Fox News anchor, a Bond villain, and an OnlyFans creator? It’s like Idiocracy has come to life.

It’s literally the cabinet from Idiocracy, but it’s real.

How long before Hannibal Lecter is nominated for Surgeon General?

“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife. 

She said, “Wear your own then.” 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. She asked, "Is it true that the medicine you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

She replies, "It has me concerned that the bottle says 'no refills'."

A Mobius strip walks into a bar looking pretty sad.

The bartender asks what's wrong.

Mobius strip: Where do I even start?

After watching his picks, I’m starting to understand how he bankrupted those casinos.

A funeral was held today for the inventor of the air conditioner. Thousands of fans attended.

I walked past a man who kept saying, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9... 1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

I thought, how odd.

I know it's a long shot, but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?

The patron saint of copying people on email is St. Francis of a CC.

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to go and get me a running start, but I made it!

My email password has been hacked again.

That's the 3rd time I've had to rename the cat.

I went for a job interview on a building site mixing sand, cement, and aggregates. 

I think I got the job, but nothing's concrete yet.

If we remove all the margarine on Earth, the world would be a butter place.

My favorite allergy song is Blowin' in the Wind by Peter, Pollin, and Mary.

Just saw a girl with six lip piercings at Target.

It took all my power not to attach a shower curtain.

If your bladder is full, urine trouble.

A 3 foot, 3 inch tall man knocked at my door this morning.

I said: "Who are you?"

He said: "I'm the meter man".

My dentist offered me dentures for only a dollar. 

It sounded like a good deal at the time, but now I have buck teeth.

When tall people go to bed they sleep longer.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. 

It was a play on words.

6329 - Thursday trees

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6328 - Long joke Sunday

A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades.

He had successfully cloned a human being.

He kept meticulous records, raising the clone child in his laboratory until it was an adult. 

Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came the scientist stepped to the podium. 

He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience. 

But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.

This clone was an imaginative clone. 

He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.

Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.

The clone would not listen to reason. 

He attacked the scientist's parentage, his sister, and his mother.

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. 

He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.

The police arrived promptly and grabbed the scientist. 

After explaining everything, the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

6327 - Saturday jokes

To anybody I offended in 2024, work on yourself so I don't have to do it again in 2025.

Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds Wednesday night at 1 AM for Thanksgiving.

To hang out with me, you need: a sense of humor, an appreciation of sarcasm, and the ability to shake your head and roll your eyes.

Cop pulls over a woman...

Cop: First name please.

Woman: Frida.

Cop: Last name

Woman: Gomam.

Cop: You're Frida Gomam?

And the woman is gooone!

Just went into a shop and said: "Can I pay by card?" 

He said: "No problem, what card do you have?"

I said: "The ace of spades!"

A guy accidentally shot himself in the face after the bullet ricocheted off an armadillo.

I guess that was called karmadillo.

I can't prove this.. but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired.

I dated a guy once who told me I should probably lose weight. I lost 185 lbs in 24 hrs.

Why do noses “run” and feet “smell”?

“I’m voting for grocery prices” 

I’m voting for you to retake high school economics class.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

What’s important to you this election? The economy? Immigration? Because for me it’s not dying of sepsis in a hospital parking lot.

Did you hear about the man who went to the ER & the doctors had to consult their lawyers before saving his life?

Yeah, me neither.

Licence plate on an Audi...

OR INNY

If you do not have an emotional support Canadian, sign up now before they run out.

What borders on stupidity?

Mexico and Canada.

My deep thought. If someone from Holland married a Filipino will their kids be called Holipinos?

People call me skeptical, but I’m not sure I believe that.

I broke up with a girl once because she wouldn’t stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

My transformation into a bitter angry old person is almost complete.