Until they invented the other side of Velcro, it never really caught on. (Bilbo)
A Turkish proverb says: when a clown settles in a palace, he does not become king. It is the palace that becomes a circus.
Shoppers at the Commerce Walmart were thrown into confusion after a local woman allegedly released four pigs—each spray‑painted with the numbers 1, 2, 3, and 5 into the store, triggering what authorities later described as “a logistical nightmare disguised as a math problem.”
Two people you should never trust: a preacher telling you how to vote, and a politician telling you how to pray.
*in bed*
Husband: "I feel like we've lost our spark"
Me: (sits up, removes eye mask, takes
out ear plugs, removes hot pad, takes
out mouth guard, removes V pillow
from between legs, takes off dressing
gown, puts on glasses)
"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?"
Schools were not forcing kids to have
transgender surgery.
Babies were not being aborted after they were
born.
Migrants were not crossing the border to vote
for Kamala Harris.
Donald Trump is a pathological liar and, if you
believed this shit, you are a pathological
dumbass.
A boy came home one afternoon and informed his mom that he had gone into the strip club. This made his mom angry! She asked her son, "Well, did you see anything that you weren't supposed to see?" The boy replied, "Yes, I saw dad!"
Actual Analogies Used By High
School Students In English Essays
1. When she tried to sing, it sounded like a
walrus giving birth to farm equipment.
2. Her eyes twinkled, like the moustache of
a man with a cold.
3. She was like a magnet: Attractive from
the back, repulsive from the front.
4. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe
and extended one slender leg behind her,
like a dog at a fire hydrant.
5. She grew on him like she was a colony of
E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
6. She had him like a toenail stuck in a shag carpet.
7. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
The American Kennel Club has
recognized new dog breeds.
* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for
Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer
Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh
mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador.
Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog
that's true til the end.
* Terrier + Bulldog = Terrible. Not a very
good dog.
* Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso. Easy to
transport.
* Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Pekaso. A rather
abstract dog.
* Malamute + Pointer = Moot point. Never
mind.
Daughter: I'm so sorry mommy. I stole a candy bar when we were out grocery shopping.
Mom: I need to know that you learned the right lesson. The first thing in the morning, we are going straight down to the jewelry store.
Must be embarrassing to be Attorney General and get fired by a convicted felon.
It was the biggest argument we’ve had in years. I wanted to fire the pool boy. My wife insisted it was just because I was threatened and felt inferior when that beautiful, virile, shirtless young man was around. I insisted she was wrong, it was mainly because we didn’t have a pool.
BREAKING: Iran confirms it has no interest in a reciprocal assassination against Trump because no weapon it could possibly build, not even nukes, could do more harm to the US than the current president. Iran actually sees Trump as a major asset.
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