6404 - Long joke Sunday

The following is a question from a University chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.  

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  

So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.  

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  

Therefore, no souls are leaving. 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. 

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. 

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.  

This gives two possibilities.

1)  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2)  Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?  

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"  and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

6403 - Saturday jokes

Why do underwear and socks come in resealable bags but potato chips don't?

Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

Lies adults tell kids...

"We don't lick people!" ... HA!

If we're in a relationship, one of us has to have good credit. 

That's why you're called a significant other. (Sign-if-i-can't)

Avoiding drama doesn't mean I'm scared of you. 

I have anger issues and I'm trying to avoid jail.

I’m still waiting for someone to explain how a 78-year-old can grow a brand-new ear but somehow couldn’t recover from bone spurs in his youth.

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a "GO Vegan" t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he's been spit on, punched, and had a bottle thrown at him.

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

Why are people allowed to be stupid but I'm not allowed to point it out?

Chickenshit Elon Musk has already backed out of his interview with Jon Stewart.

Der Furor’s doing quite a job - the stock market is falling faster than a Russian from a tenth-floor window.

I’ve walked the walk and talked the talk. At my age I'm just gonna sit the sit.

For the first time in history you can simply post, "He's an idiot", and 90% of the world will know who you're talking about.

I still can't believe over 70-million people booked a second trip on the Titanic.

As the saying goes, we want to be open-minded, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Trees make the worst wind breaks because they actually create more wind by waving their branches.

Guy trying to insult coworker, "If I was twice as dumb as you, I'd be half as smart as I am now."

“Hooray! English is the official language of the USA!”

54 percent of you read at or below a 6th grade level. 21 percent of you are functionally illiterate. 

No it isn’t.

Whoever came up with the word "dentures", really missed the opportunity to call them "substitooths".

(Here's a comment from a post)

I frequently wonder if the MAGA crowd realizes that the majority of their posts are completely unintelligible. With all the indiscriminate use of capitalization, the woefully misused biblical verbiage, and the horrific spelling, I’ve actually gotten headaches while trying to pry a coherent point from the cold dead clutches of the English language’s rotting corpse strewn across their profiles.

They Walk Among Us!

I was at the checkout at Walmart, minding my own business, when the cashier rang up my total: $46.64. I handed her a crisp $50 bill. She looked me dead in the eye, gave me back $46.64, and continued scanning items like a professional.

Me: "Uh… I think there’s a mistake."

Her: huffing dramatically "Sir, I am educated. I know what I’m doing."

She pushed the money back at me like I was trying to scam her.

So, I did what any reasonable person would do—I gave it back.

She, once again, pushed it right back at me with extra attitude.

I shrugged, picked up my bags, and walked out with $46.64 in my pocket. 

They Walk Among Us…

I walked into Starbucks with a "Buy-One-Get-One-Free" coupon for a Grande Latte. The barista studied it like it was the Declaration of Independence, then turned to a chalkboard that read "Buy One, Get One Free."

Her eyes lit up. "Oh! So that means… they’re both free!"

She happily handed me two free lattes.

I didn't argue. I just walked out, sipping my victory. 

They Walk Among Us…

One day, I was strolling along the beach with some friends when one of them gasped dramatically, pointed ahead, and yelled:

"Look! A dead bird!"

Another friend immediately looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"

I just… I had no words. 🫠

They Walk Among Us…

My brother was house hunting and asked the real estate agent which direction was north. He explained that he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.

The agent furrowed her brow. "Wait… does the sun rise in the north?"

My brother, thinking she was joking, laughed.

She was not joking.

He gently explained that the sun rises in the east… and, you know, has been doing that for quite a while now.

She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff."

I... I had to walk away.

They Walk Among Us…

Back when I worked in a 24/7 call center, a guy called and asked:

"What hours are you open?"

Me: "Sir, we’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

Him: "Okay, but is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

I stared at my screen for a solid 10 seconds before replying:

"Uh… Pacific."

He thanked me and hung up, probably feeling proud of himself.

They Walk Among Us…

My sister has one of those emergency seatbelt cutters in her car—designed to save her life if she ever gets trapped.

She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us…

My friends and I went to buy beer for a party. The store had a 10% discount on cases. Since we were professionals, we grabbed two cases.

The cashier did some quick mental math.

"Oh, two cases? That’s 10% + 10%… so you get 20% off!"

We all nodded and quietly accepted our new financial advisor.

They Walk Among Us…

At the airport, I couldn’t find my luggage, so I went to the lost baggage counter.

Me: "My bags never showed up."

The lady smiled reassuringly. "Don’t worry, sir! I’m a trained professional. Now… has your plane landed yet?"

I blinked.

Me: "Nope, we’re still circling the airport. The pilot told us we’re third in line to land."

Her: "Oh! Okay, well, come back after you land."

…Sure thing, genius.

They Walk Among Us…

While working at a pizza place, I watched a man order a small pizza to-go.

Cook: "Would you like that cut into four or six slices?"

The man thought long and hard before replying:

"Better make it four. I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat six."

You're not a parent until you've secretly wished your child's sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.

I'm trying to stop being mean but it's like y'all have to stop being stupid first.

Way to go, MAGA voters. Now you actually have the horrible economy that you pretended to have under Biden and Obama.

You can really tell when someone has been allowed to run their mouth their whole life without consequences.

Fun Fact: a blue whale's anus can stretch to approximately 3.5 feet in diameter. 

That makes it the second biggest asshole in the world.

Driving test...

Instructor: Turn the car on.

Student: Ummm, OK. (starts rubbing the interior) You like that you filthy who...

Instructor: OK we're done here.

Cinderella took off one shoe and found the love of her life.

While some of you removed all your clothes, and he still left.

There is zero history of hurricanes in the Gulf of America. 

When are the insurance premiums going to drop?

(Spell checker tried to correct the Gulf of America)

One time a guy showed me a picture and said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger".

I told him, "Every picture of you is a picture of you when you were younger".

6402 - Thursday trees

How can it be Thursday already... SHEEESH!

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6401 - Long joke Sunday

A widowed woman, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. 

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. 

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" 

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. 

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. 

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. 

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" 

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral", he answered, and again he resumed reading. 

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" 

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. 

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" 

The man replied, "How did you know my name is Katz?

6400 - Saturday jokes

I'm thinking of taking this wine box back to complain. It says once opened it will last for 6 weeks. 

It only lasted 3 days.

An old guy at the gym asked the trainer what he needed to use to impress the young ladies. 

He directed him to the ATM in the lobby.

Elon Musk gets a lot of hate.

But it's not enough. 

We can do better.

Maybe two men who fathered 17 children with 6 different women between them shouldn’t be lecturing us about family values.

I really didn’t think I would spend my 70s fighting fascism.

Sometimes my dog is so happy to see me that he pees a little.

None of my friends have ever been that happy to see me.

My type of people are those that can use sarcasm to respond to sarcasm instead of getting offended.

A Dustbin man approaches the rear of a Chinese restaurant and knocks on the door.

A little Chinese chap peeks around the edge of the door and says “hurro”.

The dustman says “where's your bin?”

Chinese chap says “ I hrav bin to da loo”

Dustbin man says “No no …where's your dustbin?”

Chinese says slightly panicking “ I tol yu, I dustbin to da loo for a pee"

Dustbin man says “no no, I mean where's your wheely bin”

Chinese man jumps up and down and says “OK OK, I wheely bin to da loo for a vwank”

Trump, Vance, Musk, RFK Jr, and Patel just scored 100% on the US Constitution test. However, it was a combined score!

My lawyer proved that at a speed of 187mph the 40mph sign is impossible to read.

I've asked myself for the 5th time today, "is this a real problem or do I just need to eat a cookie?"

Having a child makes you realise how dumb your lies used to sound to your parents.

I told an abortion joke recently and a woman approached me.

She said, "Hey that's very insensitive."

I've had an abortion. You shouldn't tell jokes like that."

I was like, "Whoa hey sorry. I just told a joke.

I think what you did was much worse."

"But you know, either way, I'll see you at home later honey."

"And again, all jokes! I love abortions!"

"I paid for two last week! I'm a fan, right?"

"A friend of mine works at Planned Parenthood. She loves that joke."

And I was like, "Ah, I might have to get rid of it. People don't like it."

She was like, "No, no you gotta keep it."

I was like, "Ah, I might get rid of it."

She's like, "No, no you gotta keep it."

I was like, "Ah, I might get rid of it."

She's like, "No, no you gotta keep it."

I was like, "Don't tell me what to do with my body of work!"

She's like, "Every joke's a miracle!"

 

It turns out that no matter how early I go to bed… I still don't want to get up the next day.

If a service dog approaches you and he's alone, it means the owner can't move and is in trouble. 

Follow the dog and you will get a free wallet.

What gets long when you jerk it,

fits between boobs,

slides in a hole,

and loves to be pulled?

A seat belt! What did you think it was?

Mom to daughter: You have to stop that. You're imaginary friend is not real.

Mom and daughter on Sunday, in church.

(You should have seen the comments on this meme.)

I used to wonder why my parents couldn't grasp new technology. But now anytime I see something new I'm like, "I'm not learning that unless someone makes me."

Sometimes, just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So, how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

I have two requests when I die.

1. Scatter my remains at the beach.

2. Don't cremate me.

It was taking years to develop birth control for men.

But I'm so glad the CyberTruck arrived and fixed all that.

Best license plate ever...

EWW PPL

It's a new day!

A chance to make new freinds or piss off a whole new group of people.

It could go either way.

I opened a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop… nobody came.

My life has become a series of wtf moments with intermittent breaks for snacks and sleep.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the server who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch.

Attention: April Fool's Day has been cancelled.

There's just no way to pull off a bigger prank than the clowns running America right now.

I was thinking of killing off a few characters in the book I’m writing.

It would really spice my autobiography up a little.

My psychiatrist tells me that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations, but I'm pretty sure that was her way of hitting on me.

Scientists are carefully studying the effect of cannabis on as many small seabirds as they can.

They're leaving no tern unstoned.

My mail order ghost arrived today, but I think I got scammed.

When I opened the package, it was empty.

I just heard that my grandfather is addicted to viagra.

No one is taking it harder than grandma!

My wife took off her shirt and bra during an argument when I was winning.

It was a Booby trap.

Two guys and a girl were stranded on a deserted island.

After two weeks on the island, the girl was so ashamed of what she was doing she killed herself.

Two weeks later, the guys were so ashamed of what they were doing they buried her.

Two weeks after that, the guys were so ashamed of what they were doing they dug her up.

If you see two paraplegics rolling down the road, is it a Pair of Palegics?