6386 - Saturday jokes

Headline..

Cops beat Chinese man after asking his name.

"I've lost all faith in our police" Says Fuk Yu.

Can’t wait to add my pretend $2,000 tariff check to my pretend $5,000 DOGE check so I can stock up on my pretend $2.00 a gallon gas.

Somebody just asked me if I’m ready for Christmas … hell, I’m not even ready for this afternoon.

Calling autism a disorder assumes neurotypicals have some kind of order. They don’t — they’re just the majority.

"TikToker gets plastic surgery on her nose so her future children will inherit her new nose."

US: We're not going to make it, are we? Humans, I mean.

A genie granted me one wish, so I said, “I just want to be happy.” Now I’m living in a cottage with six dwarves and working in a mine.

*****

From Kathy... Thanks!

*****

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!" 

Where do plants invest their money?

In the stalk market.

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly-rancher.

What kind of undergarments does a lawyer wear?

Legal briefs.

Why can't the bank manager ride a bike anymore?

He lost his balance.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with an elephant?

An animal that tells you everything  it remembers.

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. 

He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. 

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

What do you call a short cow?

Condensed milk.

What's a cat's favorite song?

Three Blind Mice.

If you need help building an ark...

I Noah guy.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.

*****

I pirated a movie last night.

I gave it 3.14 stars.

(Think about it.)

ICE is asking people to quit calling its hotline to report an undocumented girl named Anne Frank hiding in the attic of a republican lawmaker.

Him: How do you feel about sex?

Her: I like it infrequently.

Him: Is that one word or two?

At Ford we listen to our customers. You asked for a place to nap while waiting for the tow truck and we delivered. Fold flat front seats!

I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong. It’s multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever. (Bilbo)

Let's admit that drinking bleach and shoving a UV light up your ass is the closest we've gotten to a republican healthcare plan in the last 16 years.

Two things have happened since 1965. TVs have gotten thinner and I have not.

Milking stools only have three legs because the cow has the udder.

A girl asked me if she was wearing too much makeup.

I told her it depends on whether or not she's trying to kill Batman.

Gynecologist: What are you using for birth control?

Her: My personality.

They say sniffing holly and rosemary will improve your memory.

I sniffed them both.

Rosemary slapped me and Holly kneed me in the nuts.

I don't remember much after that.

6385 - Thursday trees

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Many Bilbo contributions.

6384 - Three ladies

Peggy sent this to me. So it's her fault!

6383 - Sense of self

From Neuroscience news.com...

"Warmth and Hugging Strengthen the Feeling of Being You"

The following is the main point from the article...

"So why DO warm hugs make us feel good about ourselves? 

“When we hug, the combination of tactile and thermal signals increases our sense of body ownership, so we are more connected to our embodied sense of self,” says Dr Crucianelli. “Feeling warm touch on the skin enhances our ability to sense ourselves from the inside and recognize our own existence. We feel, ‘this is my body, and I am grounded in it.’” 

Scientifically put, warm interpersonal contact engages specialized C-tactile afferents and thermosensitive pathways that project to the insular cortex, facilitating interoceptive signaling associated with safety and affective regulation. This sensory input is accompanied by oxytocin release and reductions in physiological stress, supporting social bonding and enhancing bodily self-awareness, and ultimately, wellbeing. 

In other words, “Warm touch reminds us that we are connected, valued, and part of a social world,” says Dr Crucianelli. “Humans are wired for social closeness, and hugs briefly dissolve the boundary between ‘self’ and ‘other’.” 

If you want to read the whole article (not that long) go to...

https://neurosciencenews.com/temperature-hugging-body-awareness-30020/ 

6382 - Long joke Sunday

I forgot it was Sunday!!!!

So there's this nurse, Margaret.

And the fact that she's a nurse isn't really relevant here, but that's what she is so why leave it out.

She lives in Nebraska, which also isn't all that relevant, except that it can be hard to find a good man when you live in Nebraska.

And this probably also isn't particularly relevant but Margaret has seventeen younger sisters. Yes, seventeen. Julia, Heather, Kristen, Helene, Alexandria, Isabella, Mia, Charlotte, Harper, Evelyn, Abigail, Alice, Amara, Chloe, Eloise, Grace, and Hazel. She came from a big family there in Nebraska.

But she was the oldest, of course, and having recently graduated from nursing school there in Nebraska, she began -- as young women sometimes do -- to think about the less fair sex. You know. Men. And in particular Margaret, having been from such a large family, was eager to get started in the process of making her own family. She was, as they say, hoping for a baby. What's more, her parents were pretty eager to have one as well, given that Margaret was the oldest and thus the likely first one to have a kid.

So after surveying the dating pool a bit, she landed upon Tom. Now, Tom was a farmer, as men in Nebraska often are. And he was very vigorous in that certain department that would be critical to the one particular goal of Margaret's that we have of late discussed. But, sadly, Tom was, how do I put this, shooting blanks. As a result, Margaret sadly had to put him to the side, as she could not marry a man who couldn't give her a family.

Back into the dating pool she went, and soon landed upon another stout man from the plains, who by chance was also named Tom. Sadly, however, this Tom could not even achieve the merits of the first Tom, as the rocket, you might say, could not even stand up on the launch pad.

So back into the dating pool she went, swearing never to date another Tom. However, as she was sitting in a bar with her seventeen sisters, lamenting not only her failure to have a child but also, for that matter, the fact that none of them had succeeded in that department, a man walked in with a rippling chest, massive shoulders, and a full head of hair. He noticed Margaret right away, and walked up to her. Soon they were talking, and he asked her out. First, though, she asked his name. Unfortunately, it was Tom. Nonetheless, after much discussion with her seventeen sisters, she went out with him. Soon enough, it was confirmed that he was capable in the department that was so important to Margaret, they married, and nine months later Margaret had a happy, bouncing baby boy.

Which only goes to show you that the third Tom's the charm.

I hope you enjoyed that joke, though I realize it was a bit challenging. After all, it had a lot of new aunts.