6610 - Thursday trees

Todays trees are again provided by Bilbo. 

When I move all 20 pictures from my file to the blog, Blogger shuffles them around so I have no idea where they will wind up in the count. Number 20 showed up in the perfect spot today.

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6609 - Long joke Sunday

Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbor has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

6608 - Saturday jokes

I tried making skimmed milk, but it was too hard to throw the cow across the lake. (Bilbo)

A person learning English as a second language just asked me the difference between "burned" and "burnt", and I just stared blankly back with a 404 error screen running through my brain.

You might be in a CULT if you buy a red hat made in China to support a felon who married an immigrant and has convinced you that all your problems are caused by immigrants and felons. Or maybe you're just stupid.

(phone ringing)

Boss: Why the hell aren't you picking that up?!

Me: I always answer on the third ring, makes me seem cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP!

Me: Fine... 911 what's your emergency?

BREAKING:

The cold weather is set to last until it gets warmer.

I celebrate every touchdown my team makes by drinking nearly a liter of beer. That’s a two pint conversion.

Please be reassured ladies that there is no such thing as pre-natal fever. I'm confident the fetus is at womb temperature.

What were electric eels called before electricity was discovered? 

Me to dog: I'm out of treats.

Dog: I'll hold your beer 'till you get back.

Minute and minute shouldn't be spelled the same. I'm not content with this content. I object to that object. I need to read what I read again. Excuse me but there's no excuse for this. Someone should wind this comment up and throw it in the wind.

I haven't spoken to my wife in four years.

I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!

I saw someone with a tattoo that read, Comparison is the Thief of Joy.

I'm going to get the same tattoo...but mine will be bigger!

(I was to lazy to retype this.)

SLEEPY JOE LET OUR BEAUTIFUL SOUTHERN BOULEVARD TURN INTO A WAR ZONE. JAY WALKERS WERE POURING IN BY THE THOUSANDS. OUR STREETS WERE BEING OVERRUN BY ILLEGAL U-TURNS AND UNDOCUMENTED MERGING. BLATANTLY ILLEGAL LANE CHANGES EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED. TOTAL DISASTER!

UNDER YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT (THAT'S ME!!), LAW & ORDER IS BACK! THE BOULEVARD IS NOW SAFE AGAIN BECAUSE ANYONE CAUGHT JAY WALKING WILL BE MACED AND SHOT WITH RUBBER BULLETS. THEY TRIED FOR YEARS. NOTHING WORKED. EVERYBODY SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE. WRONG! I WALKED IN AND ON DAY ONE I FIXED IT JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT. TY FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS COVFEFE. - DJT

How big is Greenland? It's so big that it covers up 99% of the Epstein files.

Trump supporters are threatening to leave the US if Trump is sent to prison. (Now THAT'S funny.)

(Still funny)

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. 'What's the big idea?' asks the wife. 'They're a steal, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a total waste', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look absolutely stunning', replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price.' HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7!

(IT ticket)

My keyboard is not working. When I try to put in a backspace it will not insert. It keeps deleting to the left. I am restarted.

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a roofer to take a look at it.

"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.

I told him, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

At the marriage counselor...

After talking to the wife, Maria, she talks the husband, Tony.

"Well, Maria had a few things she wanted me to discuss with you. First, she says you are a workaholic. Second, she says you pick your nose quite a bit in public. Third, and this is a little delicate, she says you never let her get on top when you are having sex."

Tony replies, "When I comma to dis country, my father tell me three things. He tell me to make it big in America, First: worka hard. So I worka hard. Second, he says: keepa your nose clean. So I keepa my nose clean. And third, he says, don't fuck up."

My brother thinks he’s a turtle. I’m taking him to the best terrapist in town.

The rule of tyrants depends on murder. In each reign some life must fall.

A man had just opened a restaurant but he couldn't think of a name. So he decided to name it after the third person that walked in.

The third person's name that walked in was Jill. The owner said, "Jill, you also have nice legs." So the guy named the restaurant 'Jill's Legs'.

A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I'm waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a bite to eat."

Whoever said 10°F is better than 100°F better be sitting outside enjoying it today.

They say the machines of the future will be as smart as people. Okay, but which people? Because that’s gonna make a big difference. (Bilbo)

Smart people underestimate themselves and ignorant people think they're brilliant. 

When in grizzly territory, always hike in groups and carry sedative dart guns.

Remember, there's safety in numb bears.

6607 - Thursday trees

All compliments of Bilbo. The boughs of Bilbo!

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6606 - Long joke Sunday

During a robbery, the thief shouted to everyone in the bank:

“Don’t move! The money belongs to the State — your lives belong to you.”

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called “Changing the way of thinking” — shifting the traditional mindset.

When a woman lay provocatively on a table, the thief shouted:

“Please be civilized! This is a robbery, not a rape!”

This is called “Being Professional.” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the robbers returned home, the younger thief (who had an MBA) said to the older thief (who had only finished sixth grade):

“Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”

The older thief replied: “You’re so stupid! There’s too much money — it’ll take forever to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we stole.”

This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more valuable than academic qualifications!

After the robber's left, the bank manager told the supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said: “Wait! Let’s take $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million we’ve already embezzled.”

This is called “Going with the flow.” Turning a disadvantageous situation into an advantage!

The supervisor then said: “It would be great if there was a robbery every month.”

This is called “Killing boredom.” Personal happiness is more important than work.

The next day, the news reported that $100 million had been stolen from the bank.

The robber's counted and counted but only found $20 million.

Furious, they complained: “We risked our lives and only got $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million in an instant! Looks like it’s better to be educated than to be a thief.”

This is called “Knowledge is as valuable as gold.”

Meanwhile, the bank manager smiled, relieved that his stock market losses were now covered by the robbery.

This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Dare to take risks!

So… who are the real thieves?