6375 - Saturday jokes

Just a helpful reminder as Christmas approaches: if your birth year starts with 19, wrap your presents on a table, not the floor. (Bilbo)

There is no truth to the persistent rumor that France intends to seize control of the Rock of Gibraltar from England and rename it “De Gaulle Stone.” (Bilbo)

He's paved the rose garden. He's bulldozing the White House. There's a planned UFC fight on the lawn. What in the white trash hell is happening?! (Peggy)

I just want to go back to a time where my first thought of the day is not, "what the hell did he do now?” (Bilbo)

Why is a cow tired after giving birth?

Because they're decaffeinated.

Which green beans never get hired to act anymore?

The has beans.

What Thanksgiving treat is the most popular at the kids table?

Crayon-berry sauce.

If leaves come from trees, where do turkeys come from?

Poul-trees.

A door-to-door salesman knocks on the front door of a house.  It's answered by a 12-year-old holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.

The salesman asks, "Are your parents home?"

The kid replies, "What do you think?"

I gave my friend an apple. 

He said he'd prefer a pear, so I gave him another apple.

Why does the mushroom always get invited to parties! 

Because he’s a fungi!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 

”Why the long face?"

What do you call a hippie's wife? 

Mississippi.

If the Indians had shot a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving.

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

Bathroom sign next to toilet in restaurant...

Patrons who have consumed the double chili kabab are advised to fasten the seatbelt.

tRUMP’s healthcare plan has been “two weeks away” for so long it technically qualifies as a pre-existing condition. (Bilbo)

Instead of saying "Who's your daddy?", I accidentally said "How's your daddy?"

So we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes.

Scientists planted human brain cells in a Sweet Potato. 

Its very first words, “I think therefore I yam”.

Mourning people really enjoy funerals before lunch.

I heard Ted Danson is going to portray astronomer Carl Sagan in a movie.

I think they should call it 'Danson with the Stars'.

I’m an adult, in the same way that a tomato is technically a fruit.

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise with it?

If one plant is exceptionally happy, is the other green with envy?

Bugs Bunny won't accept files through Google Drive.

He'll only accept a WhatsApp Doc.

My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

We went out to eat and I ordered a turkey dinner. 

The server brought me a plate of grains, berries, and cracked corn! 

I asked, “What’s this?” 

He said, "That’s what turkeys eat!"

This morning I saw an envelope on my doorstep that said: ‘Do Not Bend'.

I stood there for ages trying to figure out how to pick it up.

You might be fat if your pee smells like gravy.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

What’s worse than having ants in your pants?

Having uncles in your pants.

I got so embarrassed after I moaned loudly during my rectal exam.

My patient didn't know what to think.

Got into a fight with a salad today and lost.

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

The neighborhood mailman was retiring and on his last day, the blonde opens the door in a see-through nightgown, takes him into the bedroom and gives him the best sex ever. Afterwards, the blonde cooks breakfast for the mailman, and places a dollar next to mailman’s plate. Taken aback, the mailman tells the blonde, “The sex was amazing, and the breakfast was delicious, but why is this dollar here?” So the blonde replied: ”When I told my husband that you were retiring, he said: ”Fuck him! Give him a dollar! “But the breakfast was my idea.”

My friend told me I was courageous for golfing so badly in front of people.

I said it doesn't take courage, but it does take a lot of balls.

6374 - Thursday trees

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6373 - Mold on food

Everything you wanted to know about mold that grows on food.

https://www.fsis.usda.gov/food-safety/safe-food-handling-and-preparation/food-safety-basics/molds-food-are-they-dangerous 

In the US, Thanksgiving leftovers are a mold target.

6372 - Long joke Sunday

A guy on a long-haul flight is desperate to use the bathroom.

The men’s room is occupied, and he’s doing the potty dance in the aisle.

A sympathetic stewardess whispers, "Look, I’ll let you use the ladies' room, but you must promise: Do not touch the buttons on the wall. They are for female hygiene only."

He promises, rushes in, and relieves himself. As he sits there, he notices four buttons: WW, WA, PP, and ATR.

Curiosity gets the better of him. "Who’s gonna know?" he thinks.

He presses WW. A gentle spray of Warm Water washes his backside. "Man," he thinks, "The guys just get rough toilet paper. This is class!"

He presses WA. A stream of Warm Air dries him comfortably. "Unbelievable! Why don't we have this?"

He presses PP. A Poof of Powder scents the air and leaves him feeling fresh. "This is the greatest bathroom experience of my life!"

He looks at the final button: ATR. He thinks, "If the other three were that good, this one must be the finale." He pushes it.

Everything goes black.

He wakes up in a hospital bed with tubes running out of his arm and a dull ache in his groin. He sees a nurse and croaks, "What happened? The last thing I remember was the ATR button."

The nurse grimaces. "Yes, sir. You were having a great time until then. WW is Warm Water, WA is Warm Air, and PP is Powder Puff."

"Yeah, yeah, but what is ATR?" he begs.

"Sir, ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your penis is in the jar on the nightstand."

6371 - Saturday jokes

Scientists have combined the DNA of a cheetah with the DNA of a crab.

Things went sideways really fast. (John)

Am I the only person in the country who has no idea who Sydney Sweeny is and why she’s famous? (Bilbo) (Yes)

People tell me I have a lot of patience. Actually, there are just too many witnesses around. (Bilbo)

So many people have inspired me to be nothing like them.

Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else. (Bilbo)

Kid Rock makes music for people who know exactly how much Sudafed you can get for a catalytic converter.

I was trying to pronounce the name of my medication and accidentally summoned Satan.

Of all the heinous things Donald Trump has done, by far the most unforgivable is making me agree with Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Let's be honest. If dogs could talk, I'd have no need for people.

A Montana town that voted 89% for Donald Trump is holding a “pedophile bonfire” in its public park for anyone who wants to burn their Trump flags and MAGA hats.

Therapy only works if you have a lower IQ than the therapist.

Some people are so judgmental. You can tell just by looking at them.

The next time someone tells you that America isn’t racist, remind them that this nation is willing to accept treason, and child abuse from a white president but not healthcare from a Black one.

Happy 8-year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up "when I get a minute".

She's got a soft heart and a filthy mouth.

Sort of like a Hallmark card written by Samuel L. Jackson.

Watching your cute daughter go out with her not so good looking friends is the worst, because you know who is going to get hit on all night.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

My niece asked me how I knew Santa was a man. Grandma blurts out, "Because he shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a ho and leaves while your sleeping."

Glad my room is to the left. The right side of the hall doesn't sound peaceful.

< 1902 - 1913     1914 - 1918>

A man at a funeral interrupts the priest and says, "Excuse me, do you have the WiFi password?"

The priest stares at him and says, "Good God man, have some decency. This is your mother's funeral!"

And the man says, "Is that all lower case?"

If you don't show up at my funeral, I not going to yours.

Somebody called me today and tried to sell me a casket. I told him that was the last thing I needed.

When I was eighteen, I had a job where I was over 2,500 people. I was cutting grass in a cemetery.

I went to a church whose Wi-Fi password was: ThePromisedLan.

How many dead people are in that cemetery? All of them.

Well, Dad, I’ve decided! I’m gonna get married.

Who’re you gonna marry, son?

Lisa, Mike’s daughter.

Oh, don’t marry her, son, you know… Ah, fine! I’ll admit it — I sinned in my youth — long story short, she’s your sister.

Well then, maybe I’ll marry Emily, the neighbor girl…

No, son, I messed up back in the day… she’s your sister too.

Then how about Mandy from the next block…

Don’t take her either. Same story — she’s also your sister.

At this point Mom can’t take it anymore and yells from the kitchen:

Don’t listen to that idiot! Marry whoever you want — he’s not your father anyway!

I love discussing Japanese poetry with my pet pigeon.

I say, “Hi.” He says “Coo.”

What is faster than the escalator?

An escasooner!

What is the difference between the genealogist and the gynecologist?

The genealogist looks up the family tree, the gynecologist looks up the family bush.

What’s the similarity between a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver?

They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

Historians continue to uncover details about the knights of King Arthur's court. Recently discovered knights include Arthur's abstract painter and Jamaican priest.

Sir Real and Sir Mon.

How can you convert dollars to pounds?

Visit McDonalds.

A man asks his son what he learned at school today.

The son thinks for a moment, and responds: "Well Dad, I learn that black people like Sony best, and Asians like Panasonic, and the brown people prefer Bose."

"Oh son," the father responds. "Those are just stereo-types".

Doctor says, "So you want something to reduce the swelling in your penis?" 

Patient, "No, I was hoping you could make it permanent."

After a night of heavy drinking a husband comes home to find his wife in bed with a strange man. The husband goes to the dresser and pulls out a Colt .45 pistol and puts it to his own temple. The wife and lover start laughing, but the husband cuts them off and says, "Don't laugh, you fuckers are next."