I'm thinking of taking this wine box back to complain. It says once opened it will last for 6 weeks.
It only lasted 3 days.
An old guy at the gym asked the trainer what he needed to use to impress the young ladies.
He directed him to the ATM in the lobby.
Elon Musk gets a lot of hate.
But it's not enough.
We can do better.
Maybe two men who fathered 17 children with 6 different women between them shouldn’t be lecturing us about family values.
I really didn’t think I would spend my 70s fighting fascism.
Sometimes my dog is so happy to see me that he pees a little.
None of my friends have ever been that happy to see me.
My type of people are those that can use sarcasm to respond to sarcasm instead of getting offended.
A Dustbin man approaches the rear of a Chinese restaurant and knocks on the door.
A little Chinese chap peeks around the edge of the door and says “hurro”.
The dustman says “where's your bin?”
Chinese chap says “ I hrav bin to da loo”
Dustbin man says “No no …where's your dustbin?”
Chinese says slightly panicking “ I tol yu, I dustbin to da loo for a pee"
Dustbin man says “no no, I mean where's your wheely bin”
Chinese man jumps up and down and says “OK OK, I wheely bin to da loo for a vwank”
Trump, Vance, Musk, RFK Jr, and Patel just scored 100% on the US Constitution test. However, it was a combined score!
My lawyer proved that at a speed of 187mph the 40mph sign is impossible to read.
I've asked myself for the 5th time today, "is this a real problem or do I just need to eat a cookie?"
Having a child makes you realise how dumb your lies used to sound to your parents.
I told an abortion joke recently and a woman approached me.
She said, "Hey that's very insensitive."
I've had an abortion. You shouldn't tell jokes like that."
I was like, "Whoa hey sorry. I just told a joke.
I think what you did was much worse."
"But you know, either way, I'll see you at home later honey."
"And again, all jokes! I love abortions!"
"I paid for two last week! I'm a fan, right?"
"A friend of mine works at Planned Parenthood. She loves that joke."
And I was like, "Ah, I might have to get rid of it. People don't like it."
She was like, "No, no you gotta keep it."
I was like, "Ah, I might get rid of it."
She's like, "No, no you gotta keep it."
I was like, "Ah, I might get rid of it."
She's like, "No, no you gotta keep it."
I was like, "Don't tell me what to do with my body of work!"
She's like, "Every joke's a miracle!"
It turns out that no matter how early I go to bed… I still don't want to get up the next day.
If a service dog approaches you and he's alone, it means the owner can't move and is in trouble.
Follow the dog and you will get a free wallet.
What gets long when you jerk it,
fits between boobs,
slides in a hole,
and loves to be pulled?
A seat belt! What did you think it was?
Mom to daughter: You have to stop that. You're imaginary friend is not real.
Mom and daughter on Sunday, in church.
(You should have seen the comments on this meme.)
I used to wonder why my parents couldn't grasp new technology. But now anytime I see something new I'm like, "I'm not learning that unless someone makes me."
Sometimes, just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So, how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I have two requests when I die.
1. Scatter my remains at the beach.
2. Don't cremate me.
It was taking years to develop birth control for men.
But I'm so glad the CyberTruck arrived and fixed all that.
Best license plate ever...
EWW PPL
It's a new day!
A chance to make new freinds or piss off a whole new group of people.
It could go either way.
I opened a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.
It was a total flop… nobody came.
My life has become a series of wtf moments with intermittent breaks for snacks and sleep.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the server who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch.
Attention: April Fool's Day has been cancelled.
There's just no way to pull off a bigger prank than the clowns running America right now.
I was thinking of killing off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
It would really spice my autobiography up a little.
My psychiatrist tells me that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations, but I'm pretty sure that was her way of hitting on me.
Scientists are carefully studying the effect of cannabis on as many small seabirds as they can.
They're leaving no tern unstoned.
My mail order ghost arrived today, but I think I got scammed.
When I opened the package, it was empty.
I just heard that my grandfather is addicted to viagra.
No one is taking it harder than grandma!
My wife took off her shirt and bra during an argument when I was winning.
It was a Booby trap.
Two guys and a girl were stranded on a deserted island.
After two weeks on the island, the girl was so ashamed of what she was doing she killed herself.
Two weeks later, the guys were so ashamed of what they were doing they buried her.
Two weeks after that, the guys were so ashamed of what they were doing they dug her up.
If you see two paraplegics rolling down the road, is it a Pair of Palegics?
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