6302 - Saturday jokes

The year I was born is getting a little farther down on that little scrolly thing.

"Urology department, can you hold?

"WHAT DO YOU THINK!"

The difference between booze and weed?

Five drunk people will start a fight.

Five stoned people will start a band.

I love bowling puns.

They're right up my alley.

People who say "no pun intended" are cowards.

Intend ALL your puns!

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower but the image was too blurry.

He had selfie steam issues.

When I'm bored, I call in sick to places I don't even work.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy.

They would have kept a lid on it but they couldn't find one.

Got bored today. So I put a hazmat suit on and went around chalking a big red X on random people's driveways.

My sister thinks she's so smart. 

She said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

I started jogging today. I didn't want to but the ice cream truck didn't stop.

Whenever I go running I meet new people.

Like paramedics.

Me: I know what I saw!

Friend: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli.

The reason grilled cheese and tomato soup go so well together is because they're basically pizza split into two parts.

Turns out you can buy a birthday cake anytime and eat it yourself. Nobody checks!

Me when I can't hear someone.

 - Tell them I can't hear them.

 - Move closer so I can hear.

 - Shout WHAT!

 - Laugh and hope it wasn't a question.

I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies. 

"I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language.

"I do" is the longest.

Me: Takes down a spider web with a broom. Then hang up a fake spider web for Halloween.

Spider: Really?!

Me: I like cereal to snap, crackle, and pop when I put milk on it.

Friend: I've never seen Raisin Bran do that before.

Me: I put an Alka-Seltzer in it.

There are two levels of clean in my house.

1. Not clean.

2. It's better than it was.

In the huddle on the football field...

"Oh no! The other team is praying too!"

Four years ago, I had to drive 35 miles to find toilet paper.

Of course I'm better off today. Ridin' With Kamala.

Me walking with my mom past a woman with a t-shirt that says Feminist AF.

Mom: I didn't realize they had an Air Force.

Me: Yes, yes they do.

Mom: (to the woman) Thank you for your service.

Woman: You're welcome.

I am fed up with people saying "I don't know enough about her". It doesn't matter. Because you know EVERYTHING you need to know about him.

New commandment:

Thou shalt not use your religion to take other people's rights away.

Old age is when it takes you longer to get over a good time than to have it!

People who are late are often happier than those who have to wait for them.

Her: So many bills this month!

RTX 4090, i9-14900K, 64GB SSR5...

What are all these things?

Him: Taxes and fees honey.

They raised them again this year.

The government is screwing us over!