6484 - Saturday jokes

I misspelled "I'm unstoppable," and my phone autocorrected to "I'm unstable," and honestly, that's fair.

Old age teaches you to be efficient, resourceful, and strategic … like when you bend down to tie your shoe, you might as well see what else you can do while you’re down there. (Bilbo)

I feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

It's all about picking the right crowd!

tRUMP: I was saved by god to make America great again.

Her: Please, I bleed more on my period.

I will never understand how someone who saw him lie 30,573 times in the first term thought he would magically keep his promises in the second.

The reason the left was magically able to predict everything the tRUMP administration was going to do is by using deep knowledge created by being awake and alive at any point in the last 40 years.

Wanted: Someone to hand-feed me Doritos while I knit so my fingers don't get orange. No weirdos. 

If you're ever lost in the woods, look for the North Star.

Its twinkling will comfort you as you die.

When it literally costs a fortune to “obey the law,” the poor become criminals by default.

tRUMP is the worst president since tRUMP.

Some people call it multitasking; I call it doing something else until I remember what I was going to do in the first place. (Bilbo)

BREAKING: Mike Johnson says God has anointed Trump and that Trump’s life is the “fruit of divine providence.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I came home and my dog peed a little because he was happy to see me.

None of my friends pee when they see me.

I'm surrounded by fakes.

Scientists in the 90s: We cloned a sheep and landed a robot on Mars!

Scientists today: For the last time, the Earth is *round.*

Doctor: I'm just waiting for your X-ray.

Her: But I've never dated anyone named Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

When things seem especially rough, just ask yourself, "Did I wet myself today?" If the answer is no, you're doing OK. (Bilbo)

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very

bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine...."

The mighty swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild.

Except for the seldom seen penfish, which is said to be even mightier.

Chicken lips went to HR and complained.

Now we can't use nicknames at work anymore.

An older couple had been dating for a while, and eventually the old guy decided to ask the woman to marry him.

Fortunately, she said yes.

Feeling immensely relieved, he asks her a question.

He says to her,

“I know that we haven't really discussed this side of things before, but may I ask you..."

"What do you think about sex?”

Looking him in the eye, she replied,

"Infrequently”

Pausing for a moment, he then politely inquired,

“Is that one word or two?”

Soup is really the ideal food because no one can ask you for a piece.

I tried to call the Werner Ladder Company.

But it just rung and rung and rung.

What happens when a farmer runs out of manure on his farm?

He has to make doo.

I crashed my bike in 1973 and scraped my knee.

I didn't have internet then, so I'm telling you now.

Today I'm going to be sensible and behave myself.

Stop laughing! It could happen!

What is a four-letter word with a small laugh in the middle?

It really is.

I was bored, so I put a pregnancy test kit box in the trash at work.

The Queen forced Prince Andrew out of public life for his association with Epstein.

MAGA elected Trump President. Twice.

A man who robbed a number of banks and building societies, disguised as a woman, has finally been convicted. Handing him a fifteen-year prison sentence, the judge warned him that his career as a female impersonator was probably not over just yet.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day, she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knows anything about it.

A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day, he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

"What's your name, boy?" The cop asked the young man.

"P-p-p-pet-pet-Peter, Sir," He replied.

"Do you have a stutter?" Asked the Cop kindly.

He answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who filled out my Birth Certificate was an asshole."

A redneck tells his buddy, "I got my COVID test results today, it says 50. I don't know what that means."

"Also... my IQ test came back positive."

When I woke up this morning, my wife was cooking breakfast in nothing but a T-shirt.

When she saw me, she said she needed me to have sex with her right now. I was surprised but happy to oblige. After I asked what that was all about. She said, "The timer broke and there was a minute left on the eggs."

My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline.

I came three times trying to wash that shit off.

Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and maybe they'll stop."

A Chinese man and woman get married. As they go into the bedroom on their wedding night, the woman gets undressed and nervously gets under the sheets. "What's wrong?" the husband asks. The wife replies, "I'm just nervous. This will be my first time, and I don't know what to expect from you." The husband replies, "You don't have to be afraid of me. I'll only do what you want. So tell me what would you like to do now, and that's what I'll do?" The wife says, "Well, all my friends talk about 69. They all say that I'll love 69 and there's nothing like 69. So what I want is number 69." The confused husband replies, "You want the garlic chicken with snow peas?"

You know you're getting old when the first number you program into your new phone is for your pharmacy.

They say that if you rest one of your balls on the top of an empty beer bottle and heat the base of the bottle with a lighter, the ball will eventually be sucked inside.

If anyone has successfully reversed this process, can you please let me know? It's quite urgent.

Met an emotionally unstable Polar bear attracted to both genders that can live in both the North Pole and the South Pole.

It was a Bipolar Bi Polar Bi polar Polar bear.

The Angel of Death said, "I've come for you."

The man replied, "Why? I'm fine, I'm happy, I'm healthy!" 

The angel said, "You left your phone at home without locking it, and your wife found it." 

Man: "Alright then... let's go."

My doctor was amazed by my level of fitness.

Actually, what he said was, "I could have sworn you would be dead by now."

I said to my therapist, "I've been feeling ultra paranoid lately".

He said, "Well, you looked perfectly relaxed in your bath this morning".

Someone stole my car, but left an old cellphone behind.

Before I had a Kia. 

Now I have Nokia.

I’m a multitasker.

I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time!

My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a women's prison to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

I guess it just gives us some scents of perp puss.