My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now and her face is all swollen and bruised. She almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
Dear MAGA, you can't be "pro-life" and also cheer on immigrants being eaten alive by alligators when attempting to escape the concentration camp they were abducted to.
I always said that when I retired, I was going to travel.
Just never expected it would be mostly to the doctors.
Apparently, RSVPing back to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" is not the correct response.
I hope that “Big Beautiful Bill” will be the name of Trump’s cell mate in prison.
Experts: Your children will model the behavior they see.
Me: Really? Because my kids have seen me fold laundry. They don't fold laundry.
Her to him: I told you, I'm not built for a soft man. I don't listen. I'm unfiltered. I talk back, talk shit for fun, and I have about 37 different personalities.
"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
– Gandhi
Lauren Boebert: Who's ready for the deportation machine on steroids?
Rep. Jack Kimble: Approximately 3% of undocumented immigrants have committed felonies. 40% of your immediate family have committed felonies.
All of this is happening because confederates weren't properly punished.
My dad convinced me that the ice cream truck only played music when it was sold out.
Well played dad, well played.
Thoughts and prayers don't stop flood deaths.
But funding the national weather service does.
How can someone be more concerned about American men transitioning into women than they are about American men transitioning into Nazis.
A Muslim running New York City doesn't bother me. A felon running America does.
We live in a society where conservatives believe in magical weather control machines but not climate change.
People who think the COVID vaccine will modify their genetic make-up should welcome the opportunity.
Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7 kids but only one toilet.
Doctor: What happened?
Patient: My wife was sleeping and she started talking in her sleep. She said, "Run, my husband is home." I woke up and jumped out the window.
My favorite type of sunscreen is a house.
To anyone I’ve ever cussed out, laid hands on or disrespected: from the bottom of my heart I hope you learned from it and became a better person.
"How can you make jokes at a time like this?!"
Sir, that dark sense of humor is a load-bearing structure.
In 1906 Gideon Sundback invented the zipper.
That would make him The Lord of the Flies. (Mike Peters)
Growing old should have taken longer.
I just taught a really old guy what YouTube is and how to use it and he was blown away. It took everything in me not to show him pornhub.
My mind is exceptionally quiet this morning. I'm suspicious that l'm up to something I don't want myself to know about. (Bilbo)
“If Epstein had no clients, why am I in jail?”
— Ghislaine Maxwell
I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was outdated. I used it anyway. It turned out just fine. I really liked that old thyme Moroccan roll.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Now that the FBI has come to the conclusion that Jeffrey Epstein blackmailed zero powerful people you have 100% confirmation that he was blackmailing the most powerful people on earth.
Poverty exists not because we cannot feed the poor, but because we cannot satisfy the rich.
Am I perfect?
No.
Am I trying to be a better person?
No.
My life would be so much easier if I wasn't intelligent enough to realize how outrageously stupid some people are.
True story from Stu: I knew I was watching Tuesday's European WOMEN'S soccer, Germany versus Denmark, on TV, when the commentator said the German captain was a Minge ;-)
Stu also said her surname is Minge. ... What?!
Supervisor: How come you haven't filled in the anonymous survey? Can I get you to do that today?
Me:...
Keith Richards has two daughters. When they die he'll inherit everything.
It's so hot today that my plan is to move just enough so as not to be mistaken for a corpse. (Bilbo)
The Marines are being sent to L.A to round up and deport Mexicans while Mexicans are volunteering in Texas to help save Americans.
What a time to be alive.
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