6699 - Saturday jokes

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN SEEING SOMEONE OUTSIDE IN THEIR PAJAMAS MEANT THEIR HOUSE WAS ON FIRE.

NOW IT JUST MEANS YOU'RE AT WALMART.

My wife told me the other day I'm going to be a father for the first time.

The problem is we already have two kids.

A tourist who went rope jumping in San Paulo Brazil fell to her death when the instructors forgot to attach the rope to her harness.

When the owner of the rope jumping company was asked for comment, he said, "MEEP! MEEP!".

(If your still thinking about this, picture the coyote and roadrunner.)

People used to laugh at me when I would say "l want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking for directions.

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

There is a new trend in our office, everyone is naming their food. Today I ate a sandwich named Kevin.

REARRANGE THESE LETTERS TO FORM WORDS.

1. PNEIS

2. BUTTSXE

DID YOU GET "SPINE" AND "SUBTEXT"?

YEAH ... NEITHER DID I.

Next time you're feeling down, remember, life is all about perspective.

I have a friend who has sex 2 to 3 times a week.

He exercises twice a day.

He reads two books a week.

Yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison.

Trump died and got buried at Mar-a-lago. 

A man in New York went to LaGuardia airport and told the agent "I want to piss on Donald Trump's grave." 

The agent said "Yes sir, here's a ticket to Los Angeles." 

The man said "Los Angeles? He's buried in Florida." 

The agent said, "Correct. Los Angeles is the back of the line."

I've been flying commercially for more than half a century. Today was my first flight on what the pilot referred to as an unmanned aircraft.

The entire flight crew - pilots and flight attendants - were all female.

Pretty damn cool.

Here is why English is so much fun:

"The faith he had had had had no effect on the outcome of his life."

If drugs aren't allowed in sports, why isn't makeup banned in beauty contests?

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his

father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my

wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off

my pants, handed them to your mother, and

said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said,

'These are too big, I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this

family and I always will.'

'Ever since that night we never had any

problems.' 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that

might be a good thing to try. On his

honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to

Karen, 'Here - try these on.' She tried them on

and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit

me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this

family and I always will. I don't want you to ever

forget that.' Then Karen took off her pants and

handed them to Mike.

She said, 'Here-you try on mine.' He tried and

said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said,

'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass

attitude, you never will.'

If you're more outraged by a woman ending a pregnancy than by a man creating one and disappearing, your problem isn't morality, it's misogyny.

Maine license plate...

PHQTRMP

Fox Relieved to Learn That Trump is Only Banning News Networks from White House.

At the bank...

I'D LIKE TO GET ME SOME OF THEM TRUMP DOLLAR COINS PLEASE.

  I'M SORRY, BUT BANKS CAN'T GET THEM.

THEY'RE LEGAL CURRENCY, RIGHT?

  YES, BUT ONLY THE U.S. MINT HAS THEM, AND THEY'LL COST YOU ABOUT $2.40 EACH.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE GOLD-PLATED, RIGHT?

  NOPE, ZINC, MAGNESIUM, NICKEL, COPPER. NO GOLD.

WHAT ARE THEY FOR, THEN?

  I DUNNO. PEOPLE WHO COLLECT NAZI MEMORABILIA?

After landing my new job as a Walmart

greeter - a great gig for many retirees - I

lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first shift, a loud,

mean-looking woman stormed in with two

kids, yelling obscenities at them the whole

way.

As I'd been trained, I smiled and said

cheerfully,

"Good morning and welcome to Walmart!

Nice children you have there. Are they

twins?"

She snarled,

"Hell no, they ain't twins! One's 9, the other

is 7. Are you blind or just stupid ?! "

So I smiled and replied,

"Neither, ma'am. I just couldn't believe

someone slept with you twice."

And that's how I became formerly employed

by Walmart.

Currently updating my résumé ... anyone

hiring greeters with sarcasm skills?

WHAT DO TOY TRAINS AND BOOBS HAVE IN COMMON?

THEY'RE BOTH INTENDED FOR CHILDREN, BUT IT'S THE FATHERS THAT END UP PLAYING WITH THEM!

If you don't know the difference between "there," "their" and "they're" your a idiot.

... Well this is awkward.

6698 - Saturday jokes

OBAMA 2028!

Since rules don't exist anymore.

“GOP leaders are now divided between the fearful and the deluded - between those who have lost their nerve and those who have lost their minds.” (Michael Gerson) (Bilbo)

THE DAY AFTER A HOLIDAY IS DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE RETIRED. EVERYBODY ELSE IS COMPLAINING ABOUT GOING BACK TO WORK. I'M JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT DAY IT IS. (John)

To every woman who wants to repeal the 19th Amendment:

Quit your job, close your bank account, cut up your credit cards, surrender your property, and ask your husband for permission to speak. Live the miserable little fantasy you're trying to force on everyone else.

OUR BEST HOPE IS THAT TRUMP IS TAKING MEDICAL ADVICE FROM ROBERT KENNEDY, JR.

Why are there poptarts,

but no momtarts?

Because of the pastryarchy.

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth.

Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more

connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these

connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly

unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower. (Kathy)

If the phrase: "GET OFF THE COMPUTER, I NEED THE PHONE",

makes perfect sense to you, you're officially old.

What do you see when aliens get diarrhea?

Mysterious crap circles.

Did you guys know that the first drag queens in recorded American history all got together and wrote the Declaration of Independence?

Him: Your mom is as healthy as a horse. She'll be out of the hospital soon and moving in with us.

Her: I don't understand. The doctor told me yesterday that Mom was dying.

Him: I don't know what he told you, but he told me to prepare for the worst.

How do you get everyone excited about a family reunion?

By telling them it's been cancelled. (Kathy)

What do you call a dog that herds watermelons? 

A melon collie.

How does a burger introduce his wife? 

Meet Patty.

McDonalds called out order 867 and I yelled 5309 and nobody laughed.

Then I felt old and ate my burger in the playground area.

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday

School class, "If I sold my house and my car,

had a big garage sale and gave all my money to

the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"NO!", the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the

yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would

I get into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to

Heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy

shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

6697 - Saturday jokes

Hell hath no fury like an Internet commenter who hasn't read the article but wants to disagree anyway.

A man just called me evil, I needed that.

Thought I was losing my spark for a minute.

WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE DEAD.

THE PAIN IS FELT BY OTHERS. 

THE SAME THING HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE STUPID.

It's "Lake Ontario" not Lake America.

It's "Gulf of Mexico" not Gulf of America.

It's "convicted felon" not president.

Them: "You're so quiet!"

Autistic person: "Correct. I've analyzed your patterns and decided you're not safe."

Never before in U.S. history has a man been so completely sold on his own manufactured greatness. 

A fantasy constructed and maintained solely within the cramped theater of his own skull.

If you could just snap your fingers and make five people disappear for good with absolutely no consequences to you, who would be the other four?

“I talk to an invisible man who controls the universe.”  

If uttered in a psychiatric ward, it’s a symptom.  

If proclaimed in a church, it’s a sermon.  

Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough. (Bilbo)

St. Upid

Patron saint of economic collapse.

Science is hard. You gotta prove it, test it, and reproduce the results.

Pseudoscience is easy. You make it up, add some fear, and watch ignorant people spread it.

Yes I've had a colonoscopy.

I guess you could say I've had a Cameron Diaz. 

Which super hero is best at baseball?

Batman. (Kathy)

Whenever someone asks what I’m doing later and my answer is “nothing,” please understand “nothing” is not an opening in my schedule. “Nothing” is the event. It’s the plan. (Bilbo)

My emotional support animal is a chicken. Four piece. With a biscuit and fries. (Bilbo)

I'm really glad President Obama rid the world of Osama Bin Laden before Donald Trump had the chance to fall in love with him.

Am I Fat?

Boomers: You Could Lose A few Pounds

Millennials: "No You're Beautiful"

Gen Z :" We Don't Body Shame Of Course You're Not"

Gen X: " I Know 5 Fat People and You're 4 of them'

Why did a woman stop dating Spiderman?

He got too clingy. (Kathy)

There's a new Fleetwood Mac GPS out, but it's absolutely useless.  

Every time I try to get directions, it just says, "You can go your own way." (Kathy)

“If stupidity got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out?” (Will Rogers) (Bilbo)

I saw a video of a guy berating a woman for the red cap she was wearing.

The cap said, "Made you look... Fuck Trump".

Trump on Iran: "They can't go to the bathroom without us seeing it".

Comment: Just like the Miss Teen USA contestants.

6696 - For the readers out there.

Project your books on the wall. I assume it gets the books from the internet.

https://calurios.com/products/nooklight%E2%84%A2

6695 - Saturday ...end of August... jokes

Headline...

Numerous Casualties At Park In Bloody Turf War Between Tennis Players And Pickleballers.

NAOMI: Did you know that my name spelled backwards is 'I MOAN'? 

That's just so funny because I love moaning.

LANA: Yeah? Well surprisingly, I love ...... nevermind.

Store clerk: That'll be $125.50. 

Would you like to return everything now, 

or just wait for the recalls?

"My shrink asked me if I ever hear voices.

I told her absolutely not. 

Then I remembered I don't have a shrink."

Some men think we dress for them.

But if men didn't exist, I would dress sluttier.

When I was a teenager; 

I could make tie-dye shirts, 

develop film in a darkroom, 

take photos with a pinhole camera, 

program a VCR,

repair cassette tapes with a pencil,

and get records to stop skipping with a penny. 

Now I'm like, I don't get how to use this credit card tap thing.

When I was in school I was told:

PUSSY was a CAT

SEX meant GENDER

BITCH was a FEMALE DOG

DICK was a NAME

BANG was a SOUND

RUBBER was an ERASER

ASS was an ANIMAL

SCREW was Just a TOOL

HEAD meant a PART OF BODY

BALLS meant ROUND TOYS

NUTS meant DRY FRUIT

69 was just a NUMBER

Now my education is meaningless. 

The most expensive vehicle to operate these days is a shopping cart.

We were gifted a set of plates that are all the planets. 

They are all round except the Earth plate.

And things keep falling off the edge of the Earth plate.

Lady: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How many per day?

Man: 3.

Lady: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5 each including tip.

Lady: How long have you been drinking.

Man: About 20 years.

Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per

month or $5,400 per year. In 20 years,

that's $108,000.

Man: Sounds correct.

Lady: Did you know that if you put that

money in a savings account, that after

interest, you would have had enough

money to buy a plane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Lady: No.

Man: Where's your plane?

I’m going insane … anybody want anything? (Bilbo)

Nowadays, you have to look for the positives ... the bad news is that groceries are very expensive; the good news is that many of them aren’t safe to eat. (Bilbo)

Them: Will any Democrat urge people not to vandalize the Reflecting Pool?

Me: I will talk to my friends in the AlgaeBTQ+ community about these outside algaetators.

Does anyone know of any office jobs that will hire with no experience?

The White House.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a second and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?" (Kathy)

"I was the first woman to burn my bra; 

it took the fire department four days to put it out." 

- Dolly Parton

America should be placed under Canada's legal guardianship until a competent adult can be found to take it over.

Imagine being such a horrible, horrible person, that every time someone dies, people are collectively disappointed it wasn't you.

Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet people. 

Today I met 2 paramedics, 3 nurses, a cardiologist ... and nearly met Jesus.

TODAY IS A GREAT DAY TO MAKE A BIGOT UNCOMFORTABLE.

AND SO IS TOMORROW. - Steve Hofstetter

I POSTED "TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO MAKE BIGOTS UNCOMFORTABLE" AND A

BUNCH OF MAGA FOLKS GOT DEFENSIVE IN MY COMMENTS.

THEY CAN'T HELP TELLING ON THEMSELVES. - Steve Hofstetter

I've reached the age where it's rude to pull out a bottle of ibuprofen if you don’t have enough for everyone. (Bilbo)

Trump reposted a furious rant from a right-wing commentator blasting Republicans for failing to deliver on the promises that helped put them in power.

The post didn't exactly pull its punches.

“I don’t think the GOP fully grasp how badly they are fucking up right now,” he wrote.

And then Trump, the president, the leader of the Republican Party and the person ultimately sitting at the top of the Republican agenda, shared it.

Husband to his wife: "Today is a fine day."

The next day, he said the same thing: "Today is a fine day."

Day after day, same words, same cheerful tone.

Finally, after a week, the wife snapped.

"Enough! Every single day you say the same thing!

"Today is a fine day. What is wrong with you?!"

The husband smiled calmly and replied: 

"Last week, during our argument, you said,

"I will leave you one fine day.

I'm just trying to remind you ...

in case today is the day."

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The produce guy looked at me and said, "No, sir, you'll have to do that yourself." (Kathy)

Somebody said America is becoming a torture chamber for smart people, 

and I've never felt anything more real in my life. 

I was born to be wild, but only until around 8:00 PM or so. (Bilbo) I'm just getting going at 8:00 PM. (Mike)

What a time to be alive! It’s like the fall of Rome, but with memes. (Bilbo)

My dad was a public school teacher; and he always said the toughest parts of the job were:

1. Having to pay for your own classroom chalk, and

2. Performing gender-reassignment surgeries during class hours w/out parents finding out.

The same idiots who think Trump, 

who dodged the draft five times,

knows how to win a war,

also think Trump, 

who declared bankruptcy six times,

knows how to run the economy.

That's what Trump Derangement Syndrome actually looks like.