6685 - Saturday jopkes

PROBLEMS THAT WERE OVERBLOWN:

· quicksand

· people offering me drugs

· getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle

PROBLEMS I WAS NOT SUFFICIENTLY WARNED ABOUT:

· arguing with robots about unexpected items in bagging areas

· remembering all my passwords

· existential dread

IF YOU'RE STILL BACKING HIM NOW, 

IT'S FOR 1 OF 2 REASONS:

1. YOU'RE TOO WEAK TO ADMIT

YOU WERE WRONG;

2. YOU'RE A GARBAGE HUMAN BEING 

AND A POS.

... THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND.

I met a girl in a bar who said, "Come outside and I'll show you a good time.” So I went outside with her and she ran 100 meters in 9.98 seconds. (Bilbo)

Was she a racist? (Bilbos friend Bob)

Matt Walsh @MattWalshBlog

Every voter should be a taxpayer who

can pass an 8th grade civics exam.

John Fugelsang @JohnFugelsang

I'd settle for every president being a

taxpayer who can pass an 8th grade

civics exam.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.

The second-best time is now.

Swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ON A BIBLE is one of life's great ironies.

I MAY BE OLD ... BUT AT LEAST I GOT TO SEE THE WORLD BEFORE IT WENT TO CRAP.

I’m confused - is it "Artificial Intelligence (AI)," "Plagiarized Information Synthesis System (PISS)," or "Computer-Rendered Artificial Pictures (CRAP)?" (Bilbo)

This, too, shall pass. It'll pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass. (Bilbo)

I used to have this mental illness where I thought logical arguments would change someone's mind. (Bilbo)

Grandma and Grandpa were having a conversation one day. Grandpa told her, "I am an old man now. If anything ever happens to me I do not want to live in a vegetative state! I do not want to be dependent on a machine and be pumped with fluids from a bottle everyday! If that ever happens just pull the plug! Grandma got up out of her chair and poured out all of his Beer and unplugged the TV!

Antivaxers really be like, "You're just gonna listen to doctors who studied medicine for 10 years? Wow enjoy being sheep, I'm gonna listen to a stay at home moms Facebook page cause I'm an independent thinker".

I think billionaires should pay throttlingly burdensome taxes, not to improve society, but because it makes them sad.

Get up.

Dust off.

Yell Fuck.

Start again.

It turns out a ceiling fan will not cut a bagel in half even on high speed.

I also need a new window.

THAT'S A HORRIBLE IDEA.

WHAT TIME?

I LOVE BEING TOLD THAT I HAVE AN "IRRATIONAL FEAR" OF A DEADLY VIRUS BY PEOPLE WHO SHIT BRICKS OVER IMMIGRANTS, LGBTQ PEOPLE, BROWN PEOPLE, BLACK PEOPLE, WORKING WOMEN, WIND MILLS, CELLPHONE ANTENAS, VACCINES, ELECTRIC CARS, VOTING BY MAIL, UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTIONS, PLANT-BASED FOOD, HIGHER WAGES, AND FACE MASKS.

Old age is when your body gives your brain a list of the things it’s not going to do any more. (Bilbo)

I have been lying to my cat for years. 

Anytime he meows at me, I say, "I know, I know!"

But I don't.

I don't know.

If Lady Gaga toured with the Goo Goo Dolls,

It would be called The Goo Goo Gaga Tour.

Sign on restaurant door...

Sorry, closed.

Jack punched Alex

because he found out

Alex was messing

around with Janice,

even though Jack and

Janice are broke up.

Anyway, Alex tooth

went into the chili, so

we can't open till we

find it, cause we can't

throw away all that chili.

Sorry again.

Bumper sticker...

PIRATE of the CAR-I-BE-IN.

An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. 

I asked if she was OK and she smiled and said that its really no big deal because she carries her old purse to put her dog's poop in.

I was born male, identify as male, but according to Stouffer's Lasagna, I'm a family of four.

If you use the metric system measuring liquids,

You should be held in contempt of quart.

In heaven...

Person: Angel tell me, did I waste my life by posting memes?

Angel: Thousands of people read your memes. 

You wasted the lives of thousands of people.

6684 - Thursday trees

Me and Bilbo

Mine

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6683 - Long joke Sunday

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR

CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE

YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE

BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A

MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE

SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER

EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT

WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY

HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO

BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO

SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED

OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE

BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF

TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND

STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID "WELL, WILL

YOU LOOK AT THAT ...... I'M GETTING A FAX !! "

6682 - Saturday jokes

An 11-year-old came up with a TV pitch that is stone cold genius:

A reality show, in the vein of The Amazing Race, that follows a group of Flat Earthers trying to travel to the edge of the world.

Me: Do you shower after sex?

Coworker: Yeah, of course I do.

Me: Well, how about getting laid a little more often.

I just learned there's a little island near Italy with 5 million Sicillion people.

That's the largest number I've ever heard in my life.

Is it true that Charles III runs a dating app? 

Ask King for a Friend.

It makes sense if you don’t think about it.

Did you eat a bowl of stupid this morning?

If I wanted lip from you, I’d unzip my pants.

You're as useful as wet toilet paper.

If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would have farted.

I'm not saying you are the dumbest person in the world, just hope that other guy doesn't die.

My aunt interrupted me to ask why I "talk like that" if I'm "so" educated. 

I said, "Like what?" and she said, "Ignorant".

So I told her, "I prioritize intelligibility over ostentation. 

My intelligence requires no external validation."

She said, "What?" 

I said, "That's why."

Brad Voted For Trump 3 Times. 

Now the Bank Is Taking His 140-Year-Old Family Farm.

Brad had all the information.

Brad played stupid games, and now he's winning the ultimate stupid prize.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going. (Bilbo)

I wrote a book about the history of the Black Death, but I was accused of plaguerism. (Bilbo)

Bilbo at the wine store...

What wine goes well with watching too much TV and worrying about the end of democracy? (Bilbo)

Dyslexics are teople poo.

Karen...

I'M SORRY BUT I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT GAS PRICES ALREADY!!! LIFE GOES ON AND IT WILL. CARRY ON!!!!

Goodgodabove...

You're right, we should be focusing on how the president is a pedophile in the Epstein files.

Reporter: Do you agree with the statement, "The military won't follow unlawful orders"?

Hegseth: What you're insinuating is a partisan point.

Reporter: I'm actually quoting *you* directly, Mr. Hegseth, from April 2016.

Thanks Donald J. Trump. Under Joe Biden my truck could only hold around $75 in diesel. 

Now my truck holds $130 in fuel. 

Hurts my wallet a bit more but makes me feel better knowing my truck can take more fuel under your presidency.

From the internet: Good morning to everyone except Josh Hawley. He can fuck off.

Today, Saturday, May 2nd, is World Naked Gardening Day. (Bilbo)

Wow this is exciting. Wait. What day is this?! DAMN!!! (Mike)

I do not think that Donald Trump should be assassinated! 

I think that he should be:

. Impeached by the House

. Convicted by the Senate

. Tried by the courts

. Convicted for all his long list of crimes,

. Have his name erased from all buildings & documents and sent for life to El Salvador's CECOT Prison!

.That is what true Justice looks like!

I UNDERSTAND WHY MAGA THINKS TRUMP IS A GOD.

EVERY TIME HE SHOWS UP ANOTHER PLAGUE HAPPENS.

A three year old heard us talking about social security numbers. He asked what his is. I said: I'll tell you, but you cant tell anyone. He agreed. I told him his social security number is 9. Twenty three minutes later he told the mailman.

I’ve decided to do the May Challenge this year. I may go off the rails, or I may not. (Bilbo)

MY GIRLFRIEND AND I WERE WALKING WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN TEMPERATURES DROPPED AND IT STARTED HAILING.

SHE WASN'T WEARING A JACKET, SO I GAVE HER MINE.

I KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE COLD BUT I TRIED NOT TO LET ON THAT I WAS.

I WAS PLEASED WITH MY ACT OF SHIVERY.

Frank is a cat. Frank learned that the Roomba starts when you step on it. Frank now rides the Roomba at 2 AM like a tiny furry warlord surveying his kingdom.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

*Looks back at my trailer full of donkeys*

Me: "Because I'm ... hauling ass"

Yes, Trump doesn't take a salary.

But neither do thieves.

If you make a living stealing,

you don't need a salary.

HOW WAS HELL CREATED:

I. EARLY JUDAISM: SHEOL - EVERYONE GOES THERE. NO TORTURE NO REWARD. JUST ... DEAD.

2. LATER JUDAISM: JUDGMENT AND RESURRECTION START SHOWING UP. STAKES GET HIGHER.

3. GREEK TRANSLATION: SHEOL BECOMES HADES. NEW LANGUAGE, SLIGHT SHIFT IN MEANING.

4. JESUS-ERA LANGUAGE: GEHENNA, A SYMBOL OF DESTRUCTION JUDGMENT, NOT A DETAILED TORTURE CHAMBER.

5. EARLY CHRISTIANITY: HEAVEN VS. PUNISHMENT BECOMES MORE DEFINED.

6. MEDIEVAL CHURCH: HELL TURNS INTO A FULL-BLOWN ETERNAL TORTURE SYSTEM

NOT A SINGLE INVENTION, MORE LIKE A SLOW REWRITE OVER CENTURIES.

Me: All bullshit! BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Her: I prefer guys who make small dick jokes about themselves over guys who make big dick jokes about themselves.

Him: I got a medium dick... It can talk to ghosts.

Guy1: I found a flaw in the Riemann hypothesis and can prove that 1705542 is a prime number. 

How can I get my proof published?

Guy2: The prime factors of 1705542 are 2 x 3 x 17 x 23 x 727.

You have NO proof, and will NEVER be published -

except possibly in the BOOK OF IDIOTS. 

(I did the math. Guy2 is correct.)

Girls! Think how much fun this could be!

FEMALE KANGAROOS HAVE THREE VAGINAS, TWO UTERUSES AND CAN SIMULTANEOUSLY SUPPORT THREE YOUNG AT DIFFERENT STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT.

From the article...

This might be the most advanced reproductive system in the animal kingdom. A female kangaroo can support three babies at once — one in the pouch, one still nursing, and one paused as an embryo waiting for the perfect moment to develop. It’s not chaos, it’s precision. Even more unbelievable, she can produce two different types of milk at the same time, each tailored to the needs of different joeys. Nature didn’t just design survival here, it engineered efficiency at a level that feels almost futuristic. Every stage is perfectly timed, perfectly balanced, and perfectly adapted to harsh environments. This is evolution working like a biological machine you wouldn’t believe existed.

There are two types of Trump supporters: billionaires and dumbasses...check your bank account to see which one you are! 

Laci: So after all that drama ... the people who skipped the COVID vaccine are just ... fine?

Doctor: Survivorship bias is strong on this one.

Maybe you don't know that over 1.1 million people died of Covid in America alone with a lot

of them being unvaccinated .... And the people who skipped the vaccine and died aren't posting on social media.

The people who skipped the vaccine aren't "just fine"; some are dead, and some have long COVID ...... 

And the rest are alive despite their choice, not because of it.

I’m not antisocial, I’m socially selective. (Bilbo)

"If Trump was a Democrat would you still hate him?"

Trump WAS a Democrat, and YES, I hated him then too, you soup fork.

No one hates Trump because he's a Republican. 

We hate him because he's a shitty human being, which was evident long before his time in politics.

(HA!)

6681 - Thursday trees

I had to set up a new folder for Bilbos trees. I have 21 emails from him that I haven't gotten to yet. I have one tree pic this week. The other 19 are Bilbos.

Mine!

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