6713 - Saturday jokes

The fact that I cannot explode into a thousand bats to escape awkward social situations is a constant source of irritation. (Bilbo)

I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying" because ending the sentence with "dumb ass" would probably be considered offensive.

Last night, someone broke in to our house and took a dozen eggs.

They also left a saucepan filled with warm water.

Police believe it was poachers

Dear evangelical Christians. 

We don't celebrate Halloween to worship the Devil.

Sometimes it's just fun to dress up and pretend to be someone else. 

You know, like you do on Sundays.

There are millions of us who, when we first became aware of Donald Trump in the 1980s, decades before he was in politics, saw right through him. A rich, sleazy asshole with bad taste, who liked cheating on his wives, and who would push his own grandmother into an open manhole if she was standing between him and a TV camera.

We don't have "Trump Derangement Syndrome." 

What we have is just Good Character Judgment.

I'd rather be pissed off, then pissed on ...

(This is one of those times when the difference between then and than is very important.)

Gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't mine. She said I need to pay more

attention at school pick up.

This is your friendly reminder that October is Procrastination awareness month. (John)

After a certain age, getting out of a low car or sofa should come with an automatic applause track and a heating pad. (Bilbo)

MAGA's new pronouns are WAS/WERE.

HEY, MUSK, REMEMBER WHEN YOU SPENT BILLIONS OF DOLLARS MOVING SPACE X, TESLA, TWITTER, AND EVERYTHING YOU OWN FROM CALIFORNIA TO TEXAS BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT ANY OF IT IN A BLUE STATE?

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid,

she becomes a Def Leppard.

Me, every day, trying to figure out what I last bumped into.

I call it Bruise Clues.

Medical Terms - 

Tumor: one plus one more

Urine: opposite of you're out

Enema: not a friend

Artery: the study of paintings

Terminal illness: getting sick at the airport

Dilate: to live a long time

Out-patient: person who has fainted

Nitrates: cheaper than day rates

Medical staff: a doctor's cane

Recovery room: place to do upholstery

Secretion: hiding something

Fibula: a small lie

Node: I knew it

Caesarian Section: a neighborhood in Rome

What's the best present you can gift?

A broken drum.

Nobody can beat that.

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo.

SHOUT OUT

TO THE PEOPLE WHO

DON'T KNOW WHAT THE

OPPOSITE OF IN IS.

I haven't seen a possum in months.

And all of a sudden The McRib is back.

My phone has this cool app that shows me

what I would look like as an old person. 

It's called Camera.

MY FIRST JOB WAS POSING LIKE A MANNEQUIN IN A CLOTHING STORE WINDOW

I HELD THAT POSITION A LONG TIME.

Bowling is better than golf.

It's hard to lose a bowling ball.

One time at the hoagie shop the actress Ms. O'Hara asked what the tiny pimiento-stuffed thing in my cheddar-bread sandwich was and I had to respond: "Wee olive in a yellow sub, Maureen."

6712 - A real question from a Trump supporter

A real question from a Trump supporter: ‘Why do liberals think Trump supporters are stupid?’

THE SERIOUS ANSWER: Here’s what the majority of anti-Trump voters honestly feel about Trump supporters en masse:

That when you saw a man who had owned a fraudulent University, intent on scamming poor people, you thought "Fine." (https://www.usatoday.com/.../trump-university.../502387002/)

That when you saw a man who had made it his business practice to stiff his creditors, you said, "Okay." (https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-hotel-paid-millions...)

That when you heard him proudly brag about his own history of sexual abuse, you said, "No problem." (https://abcnews.go.com/.../list-trumps-accusers.../story...)

That when he made up stories about seeing Muslim-Americans in the thousands cheering the destruction of the World Trade Center, you said, "Not an issue." (https://www.washingtonpost.com/.../donald-trumps.../)

That when you saw him brag that he could shoot a man on Fifth Avenue and you wouldn't care, you exclaimed, "He sure knows me." (https://www.usatoday.com/.../president-donald.../4073405002/)

That when you heard him relating a story of an elderly guest of his country club, an 80-year old man, who fell off a stage and hit his head, to Trump replied: “‘Oh my God, that’s disgusting,’ and I turned away. I couldn’t—you know, he was right in front of me, and I turned away. I didn’t want to touch him. He was bleeding all over the place. And I felt terrible, because it was a beautiful white marble floor, and now it had changed color. Became very red.” You said, "That's cool!" (https://www.gq.com/story/donald-trump-howard-stern-story)

That when you saw him mock the disabled, you thought it was the funniest thing you ever saw. (https://www.nbcnews.com/.../donald-trump-criticized-after...)

That when you heard him brag that he doesn't read books, you said, "Well, who has time?" (https://www.theatlantic.com/.../americas-first.../549794/)

That when the Central Park Five were compensated as innocent men convicted of a crime they didn't commit, and he angrily said that they should still be in prison, you said, "That makes sense." (https://www.usatoday.com/.../what-trump-has.../1501321001/)

That when you heard him tell his supporters to beat up protesters and that he would hire attorneys, you thought, "Yes!" (https://www.latimes.com/.../la-na-trump-campaign-protests...)

That when you heard him tell one rally to confiscate a man's coat before throwing him out into the freezing cold, you said, "What a great guy!" (https://www.independent.co.uk/.../donald-trump-orders...)

That you have watched the parade of neo-Nazis and white supremacists with whom he curries favor, while refusing to condemn outright Nazis, and you have said, "Thumbs up!" (https://www.theatlantic.com/.../why-cant-trump.../567320/)

That you hear him unable to talk to foreign dignitaries without insulting their countries and demanding that they praise his electoral win, you said, "That's the way I want my President to be." (https://www.huffpost.com/.../trump-insult-foreign...)

That you have watched him remove expertise from all layers of government in favor of people who make money off of eliminating protections in the industries they're supposed to be regulating and you have said, "What a genius!" (https://www.politico.com/.../138-trump-policy-changes...)

That you have heard him continue to profit from his businesses, in part by leveraging his position as President, to the point of overcharging the Secret Service for space in the properties he owns, and you have said, "That's smart!" (https://www.usnews.com/.../how-is-donald-trump-profiting...)

That you have heard him say that it was difficult to help Puerto Rico because it was in the middle of water and you have said, "That makes sense." (https://www.washingtonpost.com/.../the-very-big-ocean.../)

That you have seen him start fights with every country from Canada to New Zealand while praising Russia and quote, "falling in love" with the dictator of North Korea, and you have said, "That's statesmanship!" (https://www.cnn.com/.../donald-trump-dictators.../index.html)

That Trump separated children from their families and put them in cages, managed to lose track of 1500 kids, has opened a tent city incarceration camp in the desert in Texas - he explains that they’re just “animals” - and you say, “Well, OK then.” (https://www.nbcnews.com/.../more-5-400-children-split...)

That you have witnessed all the thousand and one other manifestations of corruption and low moral character and outright animalistic rudeness and contempt for you, the working American voter, and you still show up grinning and wearing your MAGA hats and threatening to beat up anybody who says otherwise. (https://www.americanprogress.org/.../confronting-cost.../)

What you don't get, Trump supporters, is that our succumbing to frustration and shaking our heads, thinking of you as stupid, may very well be wrong and unhelpful, but it's also... hear me... charitable.

Because if you're NOT stupid, we must turn to other explanations, and most of them are less flattering.

- Adam-Troy Castro

6711 - Long joke Sunday

An elderly lady was somewhat lonely

and decided that she needed a pet to

keep her company. 

So off to the pet shop,

she went. She searched, and nothing

seemed to catch her interest except

this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in,

he looked up and winked at her!

He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me

and you won't be sorry." The old Lady

figured, what the heck, as she hadn't

found anything else.

So, she bought the frog and went to

her car. Driving down the road, the frog

whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't

be sorry." 

So, the old lady figured what

the heck and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an

absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome

young prince. Then the prince kissed

her back, and you know what the old lady

turned into?

The first motel she could find ...

She's old, not dead!

6710 - Saturday jokes

Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary? 

And on the Virgin Isles?

Same thing - not one canary there either!

The next time you shop, ask your cashier what kind of candy bar they like and buy them one.

I did this today, it was self checkout, but still, it's a nice thing to do!

Your body has always told you when it's tired. 

At 80, you've finally stopped arguing with it.

One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting to her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home.

When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

After an uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think you should spank him." (Kathy)

If you want to look tall, hang out with short people.

If you want to look young, hang out with old people.

If you want to look smart, hang out with Trump supporters.

One day, you'll hear cell phones going off.

Then shouting and cheering.

In the distance, car horns will begin to honk.

A stranger might buy everyone a round at the bar where you're sitting.

And without anyone saying a word, you'll know...

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That's him," comes the reply.

"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"

"'Cause before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." (Kathy)

I'm not getting older. I'm becoming a limited edition. (Bilbo)

A THIEF ATTEMPTED TO STEAL GAS FROM A PARKED TOURIST BUS, SIPHONED THE TOILET TANK INSTEAD.

"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores."

[Hitler rubs his chin] "So, mine less."

[A grammar Nazi bursts in] "Mine fewer!"

[Hitler looks up] "Yes?" (Kathy)

After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for."

"But I only have 38 sheep," says the farmer.

"I know," says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up." (Kathy)

Yesterday I saw a dog wearing a "Do not approach" vest. I wonder if  they make those for people. (Bilbo)

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st-

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we-

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

The US is the only country in the world where people believe government-funded healthcare won't work because people with government-funded healthcare told them so.

There's microplastics in human semen now.

And it's like across the board.

It doesn't matter what economic class you're in.

There's microplastics in billionaire semen.

That's not good!

Kids eat that!

Why is sleeping in considered being lazy, but going to bed early isn't? (Kathy) (Exactly!)

When I have to fill out a form asking whom to call in case of an emergency,

I ALWAYS WRITE AN AMBULANCE.

No one in my family is going to answer a call from an UNKNOWN NUMBER.

For my age, I have a lot going for me.

My eyes are going.

My knees are going.

My back is going.

I'm actually a very pleasant person to be around ...

unless I'm hungry, tired, hot, cold, thirsty, anxious, dealing with idiots, or basically uncomfortable in any way.

At my age an all-nighter means I didn't have to get up and pee.

A college professor announces the rules for the final exam.

"No excuses. Missing this exam means failing the course. 

Only a serious injury, a death in the family, or a nuclear disaster will be accepted."

A student at the back raises his hand with a grin.

"What about sexual exhaustion?"

The class bursts out laughing.

The professor waits for silence, then smiles back.

"In that case, you'll have to write with your other hand."

Funeral home director puts out a wanted

ad for out-of-work actors.

An actor shows up and interviews. "What's the job?"

"It's easy. On the day of funeral, you know how

we load the casket into that long car?"

"The hearse? Oh yeah, sure."

"Sometimes, the back door opens and the

casket falls out into the street. Your job is to

drive behind the car, and if that happens, you

jump out and re-load the casket into the back of

the car."

"OK. Why do you need an actor for this

particular job?"

"Because you guys are so good at rehearsing."

Them: You going to the party?

You: No, I'm a social vegan.

Them: A what?

You: I avoid meet!

MONSTERS DON'T LIKE TO EAT GHOSTS BECAUSE THEY TASTE LIKE SHEET.

As you get older you've got to stay positive. 

For example, just the other day I fell down a fight of stairs.

But instead of getting all negative about it, I thought

to myself, geez that's the fastest I've moved in years!

I'm currently experiencing life at the rate of several "WTF's" per hour. (Bilbo)

Just remember that given the abundance of neurodivergent people in science, it's far more likely that autism causes vaccines.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.

Putting someone on the ballot just because of their last name is a bit slimy.

But enough about Darlene Graham.

I met a woman at the park today.

She told me her name, her husband's name, and where they live. 

I remember none of that. 

Her dog is Walter. He's 9, loves cheese,

has seasonal allergies, his birthday

is October 19th, and he has beef

with a corgi named Stanley. 

This information will live rent-free in my

brain for the next 30 years.

FOX: "WHY ARE YOU HERE THIS MORNING?"

TRUMP RALLY ATTENDEE: "WELL, IN THE LATE 70S, I

WAS A LITTLE TOO YOUNG TO GO TO SOUTH

AMERICA FOR THE JONESTOWN MASSACRE. BUT

THIS IS AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET, SO THAT'S

WHY I'M HERE. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE SEEING A

CULT RIGHT UP FRONT."

I know a super hot shower is bad for your skin and hair, 

but being boiled alive is important for my mental health.

6709 - Long joke Sunday

Just experienced the pettiest standoff at

Walgreens and I have never felt more alive.

My prescription total came out to literally 12 cents,

so I dug into my wallet and handed the pharmacist a

dime and two pennies. He looked at me with pure

disdain and goes, "We don't take those anymore.

They stopped making pennies."

I told him they're still legal tender, but he refused.

So I pulled back the coins and handed him a twenty

dollar bill instead. The look of disgust was immediate ...

He opens the register to break a twenty for a

12-cent transaction, only to realize he doesn't have

enough singles or coins in the drawer. He looks up

and mutters, "I don't have exact change."

I just smiled and said, "I do."

There was dead silence while he gave me my twenty back and

quietly accepted my 12 cents.