Billions of Versions of Normal

Thursday, October 10, 2024

Sunday, October 06, 2024

6308 Long joke Sunday

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer pulls over a Harley rider for speeding and asks for his name.

“Fred,” the old biker replies.

“Fred what?” the officer inquires.

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

In a good mood and thinking about letting the biker off with a warning, the officer presses, “Come on, what’s your last name?”

The old man sighs and says, “I used to have a last name, but I lost it.”

The officer, now curious and a bit amused, decides to play along. “Okay, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The biker leans back and begins his tale. “Well, it’s a long story. I was born Fred Johnson. Worked hard in school, got good grades, and decided to become a doctor. After years of study, I earned my degree and became Fred Johnson, MD.

But after a while, being a doctor got dull, so I went back to school and became a dentist. Now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Things were fine until I started fooling around with my assistant, and she gave me VD. So then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

The ADA found out about the VD and took away my DDS, so I was just Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.

Then the AMA heard about it, and they took away my MD, so I was just Fred Johnson with VD.

Finally, the VD took away my Johnson, and that’s how I became… Just Fred.”

Saturday, October 05, 2024

6307 - Saturday jokes

Me: We're going to go to a restaurant named Karma.

Friend: What do they serve there?

Me: Just desserts.

Daughter: Daddy, I want ice cream.

Dad: Believe me, me too honey. But Mommy only gave us enough money for 3 beers.

The case on my feather pillow ripped.

I’m feeling down.

If I truly posted what was on my mind.

I’d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.

The bar I'm at doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.

Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - John Rich

Nothing brings neighbors together like cop cars in front of another neighbor's house.

That feeling you get when you tell everyone on your social media page that you're taking a break and it gets the most likes you've ever had.

My dog and I have a lot in common: we both like sleeping, eating, and pretending we don’t hear anything.

I'm old enough to remember when paper bags were being blamed for the destruction of forests and plastic bags were the solution.

The dog ate my book report and an immigrant ate the dog. But I have a concept for a new book report.

Son: How does trickle-down work again?

Dad: First, the 1% gets all the money.

Son: And then what?

Dad: That's it.

As a kid did you ever knock on people's doors and run away?

UPS is hiring.

I’m starting a procrastinator support group.

It’s called ‘wait watchers’.

I knew the psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check.

Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life.

Laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it.

My son Luke loves that we named him after a Star Wars character.

My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

Are you an "ARRR" pirate or a "YO HO HO" pirate?

I'm an "I'm not paying $600 for Photoshop" pirate.

I identify as sarcastic.

My pronouns are har/har.

A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?”

Nine hands went up.

“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.

“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

To be scientifically literate is to empower yourself to know when someone else is full of crap.

Patient: Doc, how often do people die during this procedure?

Doc: Just once.

You know it’s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws.

Why are threesomes only for sex?

Why can't I join in on a couples argument in public if I have a good point to make.

Just so you know, nothing accidentally goes in your butt.

Sincerely,

The ER staff

My talent is when you're angry I can make you even angrier.

Just because it's a bad idea doesn't mean it won't be fun.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Can you spell wonton backward?

Not now.

My wife said, "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't that embarrass you?"

I said, "Nope, I keep telling them it's for you."

Nurse: Step on the scale, please.

Me: I was told there'd be no fact-checking.

Thursday, October 03, 2024

6306 - Thursday trees... my trees!

I've always thought of posting the trees on my lot but would never get around to taking the pictures. I guess the fallen branch inspired me. One problem I have is I can't remember the names of all of them. I have the names written down on a piece of paper that is in a safe place. You can blow these up a lot bigger.

This is the Maple tree that dropped the branch on the house.

This is the second of three big maples in a row that were here when we moved in 48 years ago.

A twofer. On the left is a sassafras. On the right is a ...

This is the third big maple. The one I keep expecting to fall. When it does fall it will just fall into the middle of the yard and I'll get to buy a big chainsaw to cut it up.

This is a maple that I replanted from the other side of the yard when it was about 4 feet tall. I thought it would be bigger by now.

Here is a redbud. The county planted six of them for me as part of a road project 26 years ago. This is the last one that is still hanging in there.

This little scrub is a hawthorn that refuses to grow. I have found out why it has the name it does. It's full of spikes that look like they could kill people. I think this one is going to go.

The hawthorn and this one are the ones I got for signing up with the Arbor Association. Its name is on that paper.

This one is also one I got for signing up with the Arbor Association. Its name is on that paper.

Here's a self-starter maple. This one grew like crazy.

Another self starter maple. Not growing quite as fast as the previous one.

A couple of cedar trees that came with the house. Heavy snow can just about bend these in half. As soon as the snow is gone they pop right back up.

Also a cedar... I think.

From the Arbor Association.

From the Arbor Association. This is in the death spot. I've planted several starter trees here and they all died. I thought this one had died too but it has come back to life!

I wish I could remember the name of this. English something or other. It has super soft wood. When I need to trim it it's like cutting through butter. It's an original tree from 48 years ago and storms don't do anything to it. I guess it flexes easily.

My magnolia in the front yard that I post every year with all the flowers. All the buds are set for next year.

When I had my driveway expanded I had three holly trees moved. This is the lone survivor.

Another hooly that didn't have to be moved.

Three white pines that were planted about 26 years ago as part of the road project. I was going to keep them trimmed down so they wouldn't get so big. I forgot.