6682 - Saturday jokes

An 11-year-old came up with a TV pitch that is stone cold genius:

A reality show, in the vein of The Amazing Race, that follows a group of Flat Earthers trying to travel to the edge of the world.

Me: Do you shower after sex?

Coworker: Yeah, of course I do.

Me: Well, how about getting laid a little more often.

I just learned there's a little island near Italy with 5 million Sicillion people.

That's the largest number I've ever heard in my life.

Is it true that Charles III runs a dating app? 

Ask King for a Friend.

It makes sense if you don’t think about it.

Did you eat a bowl of stupid this morning?

If I wanted lip from you, I’d unzip my pants.

You're as useful as wet toilet paper.

If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would have farted.

I'm not saying you are the dumbest person in the world, just hope that other guy doesn't die.

My aunt interrupted me to ask why I "talk like that" if I'm "so" educated. 

I said, "Like what?" and she said, "Ignorant".

So I told her, "I prioritize intelligibility over ostentation. 

My intelligence requires no external validation."

She said, "What?" 

I said, "That's why."

Brad Voted For Trump 3 Times. 

Now the Bank Is Taking His 140-Year-Old Family Farm.

Brad had all the information.

Brad played stupid games, and now he's winning the ultimate stupid prize.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going. (Bilbo)

I wrote a book about the history of the Black Death, but I was accused of plaguerism. (Bilbo)

Bilbo at the wine store...

What wine goes well with watching too much TV and worrying about the end of democracy? (Bilbo)

Dyslexics are teople poo.

Karen...

I'M SORRY BUT I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT GAS PRICES ALREADY!!! LIFE GOES ON AND IT WILL. CARRY ON!!!!

Goodgodabove...

You're right, we should be focusing on how the president is a pedophile in the Epstein files.

Reporter: Do you agree with the statement, "The military won't follow unlawful orders"?

Hegseth: What you're insinuating is a partisan point.

Reporter: I'm actually quoting *you* directly, Mr. Hegseth, from April 2016.

Thanks Donald J. Trump. Under Joe Biden my truck could only hold around $75 in diesel. 

Now my truck holds $130 in fuel. 

Hurts my wallet a bit more but makes me feel better knowing my truck can take more fuel under your presidency.

From the internet: Good morning to everyone except Josh Hawley. He can fuck off.

Today, Saturday, May 2nd, is World Naked Gardening Day. (Bilbo)

Wow this is exciting. Wait. What day is this?! DAMN!!! (Mike)

I do not think that Donald Trump should be assassinated! 

I think that he should be:

. Impeached by the House

. Convicted by the Senate

. Tried by the courts

. Convicted for all his long list of crimes,

. Have his name erased from all buildings & documents and sent for life to El Salvador's CECOT Prison!

.That is what true Justice looks like!

I UNDERSTAND WHY MAGA THINKS TRUMP IS A GOD.

EVERY TIME HE SHOWS UP ANOTHER PLAGUE HAPPENS.

A three year old heard us talking about social security numbers. He asked what his is. I said: I'll tell you, but you cant tell anyone. He agreed. I told him his social security number is 9. Twenty three minutes later he told the mailman.

I’ve decided to do the May Challenge this year. I may go off the rails, or I may not. (Bilbo)

MY GIRLFRIEND AND I WERE WALKING WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN TEMPERATURES DROPPED AND IT STARTED HAILING.

SHE WASN'T WEARING A JACKET, SO I GAVE HER MINE.

I KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE COLD BUT I TRIED NOT TO LET ON THAT I WAS.

I WAS PLEASED WITH MY ACT OF SHIVERY.

Frank is a cat. Frank learned that the Roomba starts when you step on it. Frank now rides the Roomba at 2 AM like a tiny furry warlord surveying his kingdom.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

*Looks back at my trailer full of donkeys*

Me: "Because I'm ... hauling ass"

Yes, Trump doesn't take a salary.

But neither do thieves.

If you make a living stealing,

you don't need a salary.

HOW WAS HELL CREATED:

I. EARLY JUDAISM: SHEOL - EVERYONE GOES THERE. NO TORTURE NO REWARD. JUST ... DEAD.

2. LATER JUDAISM: JUDGMENT AND RESURRECTION START SHOWING UP. STAKES GET HIGHER.

3. GREEK TRANSLATION: SHEOL BECOMES HADES. NEW LANGUAGE, SLIGHT SHIFT IN MEANING.

4. JESUS-ERA LANGUAGE: GEHENNA, A SYMBOL OF DESTRUCTION JUDGMENT, NOT A DETAILED TORTURE CHAMBER.

5. EARLY CHRISTIANITY: HEAVEN VS. PUNISHMENT BECOMES MORE DEFINED.

6. MEDIEVAL CHURCH: HELL TURNS INTO A FULL-BLOWN ETERNAL TORTURE SYSTEM

NOT A SINGLE INVENTION, MORE LIKE A SLOW REWRITE OVER CENTURIES.

Me: All bullshit! BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Her: I prefer guys who make small dick jokes about themselves over guys who make big dick jokes about themselves.

Him: I got a medium dick... It can talk to ghosts.

Guy1: I found a flaw in the Riemann hypothesis and can prove that 1705542 is a prime number. 

How can I get my proof published?

Guy2: The prime factors of 1705542 are 2 x 3 x 17 x 23 x 727.

You have NO proof, and will NEVER be published -

except possibly in the BOOK OF IDIOTS. 

(I did the math. Guy2 is correct.)

Girls! Think how much fun this could be!

FEMALE KANGAROOS HAVE THREE VAGINAS, TWO UTERUSES AND CAN SIMULTANEOUSLY SUPPORT THREE YOUNG AT DIFFERENT STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT.

From the article...

This might be the most advanced reproductive system in the animal kingdom. A female kangaroo can support three babies at once — one in the pouch, one still nursing, and one paused as an embryo waiting for the perfect moment to develop. It’s not chaos, it’s precision. Even more unbelievable, she can produce two different types of milk at the same time, each tailored to the needs of different joeys. Nature didn’t just design survival here, it engineered efficiency at a level that feels almost futuristic. Every stage is perfectly timed, perfectly balanced, and perfectly adapted to harsh environments. This is evolution working like a biological machine you wouldn’t believe existed.

There are two types of Trump supporters: billionaires and dumbasses...check your bank account to see which one you are! 

Laci: So after all that drama ... the people who skipped the COVID vaccine are just ... fine?

Doctor: Survivorship bias is strong on this one.

Maybe you don't know that over 1.1 million people died of Covid in America alone with a lot

of them being unvaccinated .... And the people who skipped the vaccine and died aren't posting on social media.

The people who skipped the vaccine aren't "just fine"; some are dead, and some have long COVID ...... 

And the rest are alive despite their choice, not because of it.

I’m not antisocial, I’m socially selective. (Bilbo)

"If Trump was a Democrat would you still hate him?"

Trump WAS a Democrat, and YES, I hated him then too, you soup fork.

No one hates Trump because he's a Republican. 

We hate him because he's a shitty human being, which was evident long before his time in politics.

(HA!)

6681 - Thursday trees

I had to set up a new folder for Bilbos trees. I have 21 emails from him that I haven't gotten to yet. I have one tree pic this week. The other 19 are Bilbos.

Mine!

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6680 - Big brother is getting bigger

Get your new car now before this happens...

6679 - Long joke Sunday

The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked.

"What happened!? he said.

"I'll tell you what happened!"

"I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today.

I got home and guess what I found?

My wife, yes, my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! 

This is the end of our marriage, I'm leaving!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law.

"There is something odd about this story.

Rachel would never do such a thing!

Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. 

"You see, I said there must be a simple explanation!

Rachel didn't receive your Email."

6678 - Saturday jokes

The joke was on me yesterday. The PC started acting up again and I got lost in troubleshooting and forgot what day it was.

So, here they are!

Yard sale...

Me: How much for the angry lawn gnome?

Yard sale lady: That's my toddler.

As an outsider, what are your views on intelligence.

I wish I lacked common sense, you seem so happy.

You state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.

It's interesting how you never let facts get in the way of your opinion.

I admire your courage to speak in the absence of knowledge.  

Between you and me, one of us is smarter than you.

The acoustics in your head must be incredible. 

You have the unshakable confidence that usually comes with competence. 

I love how much smarter I feel with I walk away from a conversation with you.

I guess common sense isn't a flower that blooms in every garden.

You might be the only person I've ever met that has reached their full potential. 

A defense attorney was questioning an eyewitness of a crime that took place at night. The attorney tries to discredit the witness by asking him, “Just how far can you see at night?”. The man says, “Well.., I can see the moon, how far is that?”

The day they handed out patience, I left because it was taking too long. (Bilbo)

We didn’t live in a world of nonstop “rigged elections” and “fake news” until that orange fucking clown convinced 30% of the country to make it their entire personality.

Melania's documentary had a score of 10% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is a website named after her husband's testicles.

I helped a Nazi cover-up their swastika tattoo today. Looking at it now you'd never know it was there, pretty wild what six feet of dirt can do.

I was walking down the street in Seattle and saw a couple of Budweiser cans thrown into a bush. And I said to a random stranger walking nearby, "Damn, the local beer harvest is really poor this year". And the random stranger responded, "Give it time, they're only buds".

I ran out of clean socks. So I piled the dirty socks on a tray, grabbed the detergent and headed to the laundromat down the block, a steep hill.

As I was walking down the hill, I slipped and fell. The dirty socks went flying, the detergent went flying and there I was, sitting on the sock by the tray, watching the Tide roll away.

I thank the universe every day that I wasn't born dumb enough, evil enough, insecure enough, and hateful enough to have grown up to become a Trump supporter.

"Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone," mother said, going upstairs.

But I couldn't help myself. I sneaked in and watched him.

Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

"Nobody's going to wear those," I'd say. "They're stupid."

But on he worked.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people. (Bilbo)

Hey MAGA, In 2016, Macedonian teens ran a simple A/B test. They pushed fake news to the Left and the Right. The Left didn't convert. The Right? The metrics exploded. You aren't soldiers in a digital war, you are a "dream customer" for foreign grifters. It's not a movement, it's a business model, and the data shows you are the easiest mark in the global economy.

I might not put the sparkle in your eyes but I'll definitely put the "WTF" wrinkles in your forehead. (Bilbo)

Trump (end of April): "I have some of the best poll numbers I've ever had."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Last night I asked my husband to help me prepare for a big job interview and he said, "Sure!". 

He comes into the living room wearing a blazer, cup of coffee in hand, greeted me with a character voice, AND mispronounced my name.

A Black man was elected President even after being held to impossibly high standards.

In retaliation racists organized and elected a white man who was held to no standards at all.

“You wouldn’t hate Trump if he was a Democrat.” 

Dude, Donald Trump was a Democrat for most of his life and we hated him so much he had to switch parties to get supporters.

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? 

A fizzician!

Male and female Lion: He says to her, "Can you roar without first shouting 'I am woman hear me roar'".

If you believe that teaching about god in public schools will improve people's morality, you first need to explain why it doesn't work in a church. (Bilbo)