6689 - Long joke Sunday

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads

for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a

loud, blood-curdling scream is heard

from the bathroom. A few minutes

after that, another loud scream

reverberates through the bar. The

bartender goes into the bathroom to

investigate why the drunk is

screaming. "What's all the screaming

about in there? You're scaring the

customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the

toilet, and every time I try to flush,

something comes up and squeezes the

hell out of my testicles." With that, the

bartender opens the door, looks in, and

says ... "You idiot! You're sitting on the

mop bucket!"

6688 - Saturday jokes

Kash Patel is reportedly furious and

threatening to sue anyone who calls

him "J. Edgar Boozer."

So calling him Rumdog Millionaire is still on the table.

If America had a better educational system, Donald Trump would have never been elected.

Just found out that smh

stands for shaking my

head and not sex might

help, and I feel like I need

to revisit some of the

comments I've made.

Feeling relief when you

realize the weird house noises

are ghosts and not something expensive

you can't afford to fix is a

different level of adulthood.

God promised men that good obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then he made the world round.

My coworker carries a taser that she says

she doesn't let men hold anymore

because they immediately attempt to

shock themselves to see if they can take

it. 

I found this out when I asked her to see

it, fully intending to shock myself.

By middle age the hair on a

woman's legs grows

slower, conveniently freeing

up time to manage the

beard she didn't ask for.

A couple went to the psychiatrist.

"What seems to be the problem?"

asked the shrink.

"It's my wife," the man explained.

"For six months, she's thought she

was a lawn mower."

"Why didn't you bring her in sooner?"

"I was waiting for the neighbor who

borrowed her to bring her back."

A Murder of Crows descended on an Embarrassment of Pandas. The pandas were mortified. The zoologists who observed this were a Prank of Taxonomists.

Hey, think about it this way, you're not as dumb as you look.

Cottage Cheese is not really a cheese at all.

It's just a curd to me.

When I was a kid, I went to a Christian

school and they were absolutely

convinced Harry Potter was a ploy

from the devil to get kids into

witchcraft. It was actually a ploy to get

kids reading which is far more

dangerous to Christianity.

My wife went with her friends to see "Fifty Shades Darker" last night, I went to bed at 11pm.

When she got home she walked into the bedroom with a leather strap in one hand and a chain in the other. 

I thought "Oh Boy, this gonna be great".

She said, "Here you forgot to walk the dog!"

Shouldn't hemorrhoids be called assteroids?

My favorite song about allergies is "Blowin' in the Wind" by Peter Pollen Mary.

A 3-LEGGED DOG LIMPED INTO THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

HE SAID, "I'M LOOKING FOR THE MAN WHO SHOT MY PAW."

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU PICK A PIGS NOSE?

HAM BOOGERS... I KNOW, I KNOW .. SNOT FUNNY.

If really good looking people are called, "Eye Candy",

I guess I'm somewhere in the "Eye Broccoli" category.

Her: I think we should stop seeing each other for a while.

Him, covering his eyes: Ok, tell me when I can look again.

Retirement - The pay sucks but the hours are really good.

I don't have time to Google lyrics.

I sing what I hear.

"Dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth".

Her: It seems to me I might have to do some of that shady Klondike bar stuff for a tank of gas soon.

Parrot in a cage: Alexa, play Free Bird.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

How many of you hate drama, but if you see it on your timeline, you read all 368 comments.

WHAT ARE YOUR DOGS' NAMES?

  CALVIN & KLEIN.

ISN'T THAT A BRAND OF UNDERWEAR?

  YES, THEY'RE BOXERS.

It's just a matter of time before they add the word 'Syndrome' after my last name.

Are you sweating while putting gas in your car?

Feeling sick when paying for it?

You've got the Carowner virus.

Sarah left a Dr Pepper on a gas pump 61 miles south of Tampa Florida.

That's where Sarasota is.

It is only when mosquito lands on your balls that you realize there is a way to solve problems without using violence.

Ayo Im in the gas station you want sth?

  get some cookies

  gluten free

How long he been out

  Bro what

6687 - Thursday trees

1-4 are mine, 5-20 are Bilbo's

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

6686 - Long joke Sunday

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying

with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids

for a while when he came into the house and

asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when

two people sleep in the same room and one is

on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided

to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual

intercourse, darling.

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back

outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said

angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual

intercourse . It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you.'

6685 - Saturday jokes

PROBLEMS THAT WERE OVERBLOWN:

· quicksand

· people offering me drugs

· getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle

PROBLEMS I WAS NOT SUFFICIENTLY WARNED ABOUT:

· arguing with robots about unexpected items in bagging areas

· remembering all my passwords

· existential dread

IF YOU'RE STILL BACKING HIM NOW, 

IT'S FOR 1 OF 2 REASONS:

1. YOU'RE TOO WEAK TO ADMIT

YOU WERE WRONG;

2. YOU'RE A GARBAGE HUMAN BEING 

AND A POS.

... THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND.

I met a girl in a bar who said, "Come outside and I'll show you a good time.” So I went outside with her and she ran 100 meters in 9.98 seconds. (Bilbo)

Was she a racist? (Bilbos friend Bob)

Matt Walsh @MattWalshBlog

Every voter should be a taxpayer who

can pass an 8th grade civics exam.

John Fugelsang @JohnFugelsang

I'd settle for every president being a

taxpayer who can pass an 8th grade

civics exam.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.

The second-best time is now.

Swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ON A BIBLE is one of life's great ironies.

I MAY BE OLD ... BUT AT LEAST I GOT TO SEE THE WORLD BEFORE IT WENT TO CRAP.

I’m confused - is it "Artificial Intelligence (AI)," "Plagiarized Information Synthesis System (PISS)," or "Computer-Rendered Artificial Pictures (CRAP)?" (Bilbo)

This, too, shall pass. It'll pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass. (Bilbo)

I used to have this mental illness where I thought logical arguments would change someone's mind. (Bilbo)

Grandma and Grandpa were having a conversation one day. Grandpa told her, "I am an old man now. If anything ever happens to me I do not want to live in a vegetative state! I do not want to be dependent on a machine and be pumped with fluids from a bottle everyday! If that ever happens just pull the plug! Grandma got up out of her chair and poured out all of his Beer and unplugged the TV!

Antivaxers really be like, "You're just gonna listen to doctors who studied medicine for 10 years? Wow enjoy being sheep, I'm gonna listen to a stay at home moms Facebook page cause I'm an independent thinker".

I think billionaires should pay throttlingly burdensome taxes, not to improve society, but because it makes them sad.

Get up.

Dust off.

Yell Fuck.

Start again.

It turns out a ceiling fan will not cut a bagel in half even on high speed.

I also need a new window.

THAT'S A HORRIBLE IDEA.

WHAT TIME?

I LOVE BEING TOLD THAT I HAVE AN "IRRATIONAL FEAR" OF A DEADLY VIRUS BY PEOPLE WHO SHIT BRICKS OVER IMMIGRANTS, LGBTQ PEOPLE, BROWN PEOPLE, BLACK PEOPLE, WORKING WOMEN, WIND MILLS, CELLPHONE ANTENAS, VACCINES, ELECTRIC CARS, VOTING BY MAIL, UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTIONS, PLANT-BASED FOOD, HIGHER WAGES, AND FACE MASKS.

Old age is when your body gives your brain a list of the things it’s not going to do any more. (Bilbo)

I have been lying to my cat for years. 

Anytime he meows at me, I say, "I know, I know!"

But I don't.

I don't know.

If Lady Gaga toured with the Goo Goo Dolls,

It would be called The Goo Goo Gaga Tour.

Sign on restaurant door...

Sorry, closed.

Jack punched Alex

because he found out

Alex was messing

around with Janice,

even though Jack and

Janice are broke up.

Anyway, Alex tooth

went into the chili, so

we can't open till we

find it, cause we can't

throw away all that chili.

Sorry again.

Bumper sticker...

PIRATE of the CAR-I-BE-IN.

An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. 

I asked if she was OK and she smiled and said that its really no big deal because she carries her old purse to put her dog's poop in.

I was born male, identify as male, but according to Stouffer's Lasagna, I'm a family of four.

If you use the metric system measuring liquids,

You should be held in contempt of quart.

In heaven...

Person: Angel tell me, did I waste my life by posting memes?

Angel: Thousands of people read your memes. 

You wasted the lives of thousands of people.