6601 - Saturday jokes

Owner to car salesman: "I can't explain it. All I know is I can't drive more than 10 miles without needing to pull over to use the restroom".

Soon after it was introduced, the Lincoln Incontinental was recalled.

She told me she's stripping to feed her kids but gets pissed when I put seven cans of green beans on the stage.

Why do men snore when they lie in their backs? It's because their balls fall over their asshole which causes a vapor lock.

That feeling of anger you get when your girlfriend is kissing another dude but you can't say anything because he's her husband.

Remember, having sex on a regular basis keeps helps your memory alive. I wish you all a great 2016.

Apparently stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people that are stressing you out.

Interview at an IT company...

Them: So, what makes you suitable for this job?

Me: I hacked your system and invited myself to this interview.

Q: What did 2025 teach you that you will remember for the rest of your life?

A: Don't take your side piece to a Cold Play concert.

MAGA: I didn't vote for THIS!

Me: Yes you DID!

Really starting to doubt the credibility of the FIFA Peace Prize.

Just Sayin’.

Most people are assholes. Don't believe me? Next time you see a group of people, yell out, "Hey asshole!" They'll all turn around and look.

Next time you see a vegan sleeping, put a half eaten hamburger in their hand.

If you need the threat of hell to be a good person, then you're just a bad person on a leash.

If we are serious about saving the planet, we should stop printing calendars.

They're the reason our days are numbered.

Sign in front of a donut shop...

Come in and try the worst donut that one woman on Yelp ever had in her life.

I don't always read something mind-numbingly stupid,

but when I do it's always from a tRUMP supporter.

It’s ironic that hyphenated is not hyphenated but non-hyphenated is hyphenated.

The cruelest self-help joke is being told to “leave your comfort zone.”

Sir, I haven’t even found the comfort zone yet. I’ve been living in the ‘Mild-to-Severe Anxiety Zone’ my whole life. Can you give me the coordinates?

I'll never apollogize for my puns about Greek gods.

HELP! I've fallen and I can't think of a reason to get up! (Bilbo)

My nephew asked me where Walla Walla was located.

I told him somewhere between ting tang and bing bang.

King Charles is seeking to restore British rule over the US.

Shout out to everyone who got through the day without taking a nap. Pulled an all-dayer today. Pretty rough.

Remember when the FIFA peace prize used to mean something? (Debra)

The CEO of IKEA was elected as the Prime Minister of Sweden.

Really? What's he doing now?

Assembling his cabinet. (Debra)

Do you pronounce climb it and climate the same or differently?

The only thing Greenland has that America desperately needs is free Universal Healthcare.

I'm 59 and just found a book among my mother's books called "Is My Child Stupid"?

Well, it did take me until I was 59 to find it.

Her: Just be yourself and say something nice.

Me: I can't do both! (Deb)

I didn't mean to press all your buttons, I was trying to find mute. (Deb)

Me: I'm not trying to be a bitch, but...

Narrator: Oh, but she was trying to be a bitch. She was trying to be the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched about bitches. (Deb)

Thank you for the free 10-day trial of 2026. I'd like to unsubscribe from whatever the hell this is. (Bilbo)

I went to Costco today to buy eggs. We usually get brown eggs, but today all they had were white ones. I guess ICE got there first. (Bilbo)

Q: How were the pyramids built?

A: The pyramids were built before Newton discovered gravity so the stones weight wasn't a problem.

It’s astonishing how many people seem to think that public execution is a reasonable outcome for someone driving away from an ICE agent.

Octopus with gun in each hand looking at a cat...

Cat: You're one short buddy.

Adult life really boils down to four things...

Everything is expensive

I don't know what to eat

I'm tired

ibuprofen

Headline...

'Morgue Employee Cremated By Mistake While Taking A Nap'

I guess two people got fired that day.

Let's see if I have this correct...

If I get out of my car I get taken to a concentration camp regardless of my citizenship, but if I don't get out of my car I get shot in the head, right?

It's weird how you never hear about the Proud Boys anymore. It's almost like they all got jobs.

What is the cheapest meat you can buy? 

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

6600 - Thursday trees

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6599 - Medicare disAdvantage

John Oliver explains Medicare disAdvantage. Unfortunately, there are a few things that were new to me. It's his full show so it's 31 minutes but if you have Medicare it's worth watching.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ejoi9yfLVCc 

In it he mentions secondary hyperaldosteronism. Here's a link.

The article mentions a hormone called aldosterone.

I had a visit for the first time from the United Health Care NP. Little did I know what she was collecting information for.

6598 - Late joke Sunday

I know I know, I'm late!

An elderly woman rushed to the pharmacy to pick up medication, but when she returned to her car, she realized she had locked her keys inside.

Looking around, she spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.”

So she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.”

Just minutes later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the lot. A bearded man in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?”

She explained, “My daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?”

The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked.

Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you God, for sending me such a kind man!"

The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday for car theft."

The woman hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you God, you even sent me a professional!"

6597 - Saturday jokes

Grocery shopping is just paying money to still not know what to make for dinner. (Bilbo)

The reason we believe facts and science is not because we're "liberal." It's because we're "literate."

tRUMP is the kind of asshole that other assholes look at and say "Now THERE'S an asshole".

I used to be a libtard.

Then I was a snowflake.

Then I was woke.

Now I'm radical left scum.

It's good to evolve.

I was wrapping Christmas gifts in the morning and nobody else was here so I had to bop myself over the head with an empty wrapping paper roll.

tRUMP says his life was better before becoming president. 

Interestingly, our lives were better too.

White supremacists use the bible to justify their racism.

Problem is, there are no white people in the bible.

I’m at that age where the most exciting text I get is, "Your prescription is ready for pickup." (Bilbo)

When you lack the vocabulary to explain how stupid you are...

wear a red MAGA baseball cap.

Believing facts and trusting science doesn't mean you're "liberal".

It just means you can read.

Some definitions...

Coffee - the person upon one coughs.

Flabbergasted - appalled over how much weight you've gained.

Willy-nilly - impotent.

Negligent - you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph - walking with a lisp.

Flatulance - an emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Circumvent - an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Frisbeetarianism - the belief that when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof an gets stuck there.

A MAGA man said, "I'm tellin' you, just one more tax cut for the rich and it's bound to trickle down to us!"

Your future doctor is using ChatGPT to pass med school. So you better start eating healthy now.

Two cowboys were lost in the desert.

One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree! We’re saved!” 

He runs up to the tree and gets shot at.

It wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush. (John)

It's hard to argue with a woman that's braless when she's already made two outstanding points.

#ANALBUMCOVER

I read it wrong too.

That's why we're friends.

New Year, New Me...ntal issues.

I may not be that good looking, or athletic, or funny, or talented, or smart, but … uh ... I forgot where I was going with this, but I do love bacon. (Bilbo)

A kid born in 2010 is now 26 years old. 

Wrap your head around that one and feel old. ... wait...

My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking.

I've picked June 5th, July 17th, and October 9th.

Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7!

Reminder that during the holidays, no matter how much chocolate you eat, your shoes will still fit.

It was only when I bought a motorcycle that I found out that adrenaline is brown.

If we removed all the margarine from Earth...The world would be a butter place.

You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee.

We should start seeing Valentines Day stuff in stores anytime now.

I finally know why they call me a grown up.

I groan every time I get up.

My age doesn't bother me. 

It's the side effects.

It's time for some early morning yoga. 

And by "early morning yoga," I mean putting on my socks.

I'm adopting a healthier lifestyle, so I parked and walked inside to buy donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

I'm going to start a taxi service for seniors and call it Oldsmobile.

I used to just crastinate. 

Then I decided to go pro.

I always set two alarms. One for the person I want to be and one for the person I actually am.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

Regular rocks are too heavy.

Son: Hey Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend.

Dad: You can do better.

Son: Thanks Dad!

Dad: I wasn't talking to you.

Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park, laughing at all the joggers.

You Know That Little Voice In Your Head That Keeps You From Saying Things You Shouldn't? 

I Should Probably Get One Of Those.

I don't always go home for the holidays.

But when I do, I remember why I left.

I am not lazy. I am just in energy saving mode.

No, I don't watch soap operas, because I have Facebook...and there is a new episode every five minutes.

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people... 

1. They would spend it on alcohol. 

2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

If you're already late, take your time. You can't be late twice.

A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.