My toxic trait is telling people I'm down for anything, when in reality I mean not after 8pm. Food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am. (Bilbo)
Unaware of the importance of dryer sheets, the starship Enterprise embarrassingly warps through space with static Klingons.
I don't repeat gossip.
So listen carefully.
The movie Blazing Saddles has just been edited for television.
It will air tonight from 8:00-8:07 PM.
My Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers. But I was actually just trying to open a Kit Kat I didn't want to share.
I was supposed to get older and wiser, but I'm just getting older and wider. (Bilbo) (me too)
I've started joining Google Meet 30 seconds early. It seems that everyone's virtual note takers join early also. I spend the first few seconds screaming about how I'm on the Titanic, we've just hit an iceberg, the end is near, and I need immediate assistance. Then I do the rest of the meeting normally.
When the meeting ends, everyone gets an emailed transcript where the AI summery is: "Chris hit an iceberg, is trapped on a sinking ship, and general Q2 pricing updates."
I'm of the age when I go by a medical supply store I go in and browse.
Technical IT work... Drove 300 miles round trip to push a plug in a little bit further.
I miss the days when shouting out, "Not it" was an effective way of getting out of things you didn't wanna do.
National Guard refuses to go to Chicago, citing bone spurs.
I'm bored today so I thought I would go hide dildos at peoples yard sales.
I just got back on a Southwest flight. I asked a lady if she would switch seats with me because I was traveling with my family. She said, "No", very rude. So I had to stay in my seat and sit with my family.
They say 'the machines of the future' will be as smart as people.
OK, but WHICH people? Because it kinda matters quite a bit.
I don't care that I told a teenager today that I got 10 CDs for a penny in the mail, and I'm not sure if she thinks I'm lying about what a CD is, what a penny is, what the mail is, or all three.
Never did find out what the knights in white sat in.
My mother always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” I've made it, my available balance is $9.11. (Bilbo)
Our best hope is that tRUMP is taking medical advice from Robert Kennedy Jr.
Proud to say my wife really spoils me. I married her for her personality, and she has thrown in five more for free. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to experience them all in one day.
I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
It looks like the guy I pay to pick up poop in the yard just realized I don't have any pets.
You know you're in the medical field when you unexpectedly see genitals and it doesn't even phase you. (Also true for caregivers)
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his penis and throws it at the female so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new penis.
If that isn't the most epic to tell someone to 'go fuck your self', I don't know what is.
(Mostly true... https://octonation.com/how-do-octopus-mate/)
So I was eating a bag of potato chips last night, and on the back of the packet it said: `Not to be sold separately'.
I thought: "Who the hell buys just one potato chip?"
A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other.
The sole says, "A flounder!"
The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.
Him: "Let's play doctor, Sally. I'll go first. You owe me $30,000."
Sally: ...
For women, taking off a bra at the end of the day is pure bliss.
What's the male equivalent?
It is also taking a woman's bra off at the end of the day.
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