6605 - Saturday jokes

Don't invite me anywhere with complicated parking, cause I'm gonna circle around and go home.

For those struggling with English...

Don't - Do not

Won't - Wo not

If you have seen the 20+ videos from every angle and see someone trying to run over an Ice agent…you probably also see cheaper groceries, lower gas prices and affordable healthcare.

I just realized I am "Starting to walk a little more carefully down the stairs" years old.

Here's the difference between cats and dogs.

A dog can learn up to 250 words and gestures, count up to 5, and even perform simple math.

Equivalent human age: 3.

A cat doesn't give a f**k and is sick of your shit.

Equivalent human age: 42.

Queue is pronounced like "Q". The rest of the letters are just in line waiting.

Don't grow up, it's a trap!

I don't need a sign that says "Do Not Disturb," I need one that says "Already Disturbed, Proceed with Caution." (Bilbo)

ICE - For when you're too dumb to become a cop, and too scared to join the real military.

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account?

Prime mates.

What do you call a Roman soldier who's just satisfied his wife in bed?

Glad-he-ate-her.

While most language-related puns make me feel numb, math-related puns make me feel number. Which reminds me ... why do we celebrate trigonometric functions at New Year's by singing about Old Lang's sine? And who was Old Lang, anyhow? (Bilbo)

Why are conservative women giving their opinions? If we wanted to know what you thought, we'd ask your husband.

I saw a bumper sticker that said, “Beware of the idiot behind me.” So I followed him until I figured out who the idiot was.

Einstein’s marriage to his first cousin was special relativity. He saw no gravity in the situation. In general, observers see it differently.

I'm so poor right now.. when I go to KFC, I have to lick other people's fingers.

We sat on the ground for four hours at Charles de Gaulle. It was Paris fuelers’ day off.

"Hey! You should be careful about what comes out of your mouth!"

"Maybe you should be careful about what comes IN yours!"

I tell my kids no and they dramatically run away like they're running backstage on Maury.

If I sit on your face, I legally own you. Squatter's rights.

Just realized my emergency contact is my mother. The same person who can never find her purse, doesn't know her doctors name, and ignores unknown numbers. ... Yea, call her.

My girlfriend called me a pain in the ass.

Honey, you're the one who said no lube!

I saw a bumper sticker that said, "I'm a Veterinarian so I drive like an ANIMAL".

It made me realize just how many Proctologists are on the road.

I’m not afraid of getting microchipped by Bill Gates. It’s a Windows product, so it probably won’t work, anyhow. (Bilbo)

The correct spelling of school is school, not school. Some people put the second o before the first o and that is incorrect.

I always preferred the English spelling of "diarrhea" which is "diarrhoea" because it really looks like you've lost control of your vowels.

When all else fails, there's nothing left to try.

A penny saved is a penny that you still have.

If the shoe fits you know your shoe size.

On the other hand, I also have five fingers.

A bird in the hand is probably not alive.

If at first you don't succeed, something went wrong.

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have diarrhea.

I'll cross that bridge when I need to get to the other side.

When in Rome, you're in Italy.

Early to bed and early to rise and your girl goes out with other guys.

Two wrongs make two mistakes.

Behind every good man is his ass.

Six of one is half a dozen.

A watched pot is never unwatched.

A picture is worth what anyone is willing to pay for it.

Froze my ass of at the antiICE rally but it was worth it.

See you in Nuremberg you fuckers!

It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them.

Police call it indecent exposure, but whatever.

Breaking news: Satirical news publication The Onion on the verge of collapse after not being able to make up shit that is more idiotic than current reality.

Either my hands are getting bigger every year or these girl scout cookies are getting smaller.

When someone says I expected more of you, I always think, well who's fault it that?

When you want to kill a couple of characters off in your book but remember your writing your autobiography.

She can cure you with a smile.

She can heal you with her hands.

She can completely ruin your high,

with just 0.2 of Narcan.

But Gloria, you know I'm straight.

So is spaghetti, until is gets wet.

6604 - Thursday trees

It's still Thursday isn't it? I forgot what day it was!

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That's all I have for today.

6603 - Same-sex sexual behavior

Same-sex sexual behavior can help primates to survive — and reproduce

*Bonds between same-sex individuals help apes and monkeys to manage conflict and strengthen alliances, especially in dry habitats and predator-rich landscapes.

(My thought... The US is in a predator-rich landscape right now.)

*In golden snub-nosed monkeys, sexual interactions between individuals of the same sex seem to fortify social bonds. 

Article...

Same-sex sexual behavior is part of the normal social life of some primates and could play an important part in their long-term success, a survey of nearly 500 species of apes, monkeys and other non-human primates has found.

The study, published on 12 January in Nature Ecology and Evolution, suggests that same-sex sexual behavior in wild populations might be a response to harsh environments, predation and navigating complex social hierarchies1. Observed behaviors included mounting, genital touching and fellatio.

“A lot of people have long regarded same-sex behavior as an accident, or rare, or only in zoo animals,” says co-author Vincent Savolainen, an evolutionary biologist at Imperial College London. But “it’s part of the normal social life of primates”.

Although a staple of wildlife documentaries, same-sex sexual behavior in animals has only begun to receive serious study in the past few years. Explanations range from accident — behavioral spillover when reproduction is dominated by a few individuals — to adaptation, says Isabelle Winder, an evolutionary anthropologist at Bangor University in Wales. “It’s very hard to figure out what the significance is or if there is a significance.”

Strengthening social bonds

Previously, Savolainen’s team followed a colony of rhesus macaques (Macaca mulatta) in Puerto Rico for three years, discovering that same-sex sexual behavior in males was routine and linked to later reproductive success, potentially because it fortifies social alliances2. “They fight together, they have sex together, and maybe later in life they will have access to more females,” he says.

To see if same-sex sexual behavior had benefits in other primates, Savolainen, Chloë Coxshall — a behavioral primatologist at Imperial College London — and their colleagues scoured the scientific literature, identifying instances in 59 species among 491 surveyed, and found evidence for recurring same-sex behavior in 23 of these.

When they compared the prevalence of same-sex sexual behavior with environmental and other variables, the researchers found that it was most likely to occur in dry conditions and in areas where risk of predation was high, and among longer-lived species and those with strong sexual dimorphism — large size differences between males and females. Same-sex sexual behavior was also more common in primates that live in hierarchical groups, in which individuals — especially males — must climb the social ladder to have a chance at reproducing.

Further modelling suggested that ecological and ‘life history’ traits such as lifespan lead to same-sex sexual behavior indirectly — through their influence on social structures. The study found that dry conditions can lead to sexual dimorphism, which in turn was associated with living in hierarchical groups in which same-sex sexual behavior tended to occur. Disentangling these various factors “is the greatest value of this study, in my view”, says José Mariá Gómez, an evolutionary ecologist at the Experimental Station of Arid Zones in Almería, Spain.

For example, in golden snub-nosed monkeys (Rhinopithecus roxellana), which cope with cold climates, same-sex sexual behavior tends to occur alongside bond-strengthening grooming. In long-lived bonobos (Pan paniscus), a chimpanzee relative, the high frequency of same-sex behavior could help to maintain social cohesion over decades, the researchers suggest.

Winder says the research is groundbreaking because it shows how to study seemingly rare behaviors observed in wild animals, and it could be applied to other behaviors such as mourning, tool use and symbolic language, to understand their wider social context. “They’re not one-off occurrences.”

https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-026-00119-5

6602 - Long joke Sunday

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

"Give the Ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down in one. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and boomed, "Give the Ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the Ballerina?'"

"As far as I'm concerned," the drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a Ballerina!"

6601 - Saturday jokes

Owner to car salesman: "I can't explain it. All I know is I can't drive more than 10 miles without needing to pull over to use the restroom".

Soon after it was introduced, the Lincoln Incontinental was recalled.

She told me she's stripping to feed her kids but gets pissed when I put seven cans of green beans on the stage.

Why do men snore when they lie in their backs? It's because their balls fall over their asshole which causes a vapor lock.

That feeling of anger you get when your girlfriend is kissing another dude but you can't say anything because he's her husband.

Remember, having sex on a regular basis keeps helps your memory alive. I wish you all a great 2016.

Apparently stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people that are stressing you out.

Interview at an IT company...

Them: So, what makes you suitable for this job?

Me: I hacked your system and invited myself to this interview.

Q: What did 2025 teach you that you will remember for the rest of your life?

A: Don't take your side piece to a Cold Play concert.

MAGA: I didn't vote for THIS!

Me: Yes you DID!

Really starting to doubt the credibility of the FIFA Peace Prize.

Just Sayin’.

Most people are assholes. Don't believe me? Next time you see a group of people, yell out, "Hey asshole!" They'll all turn around and look.

Next time you see a vegan sleeping, put a half eaten hamburger in their hand.

If you need the threat of hell to be a good person, then you're just a bad person on a leash.

If we are serious about saving the planet, we should stop printing calendars.

They're the reason our days are numbered.

Sign in front of a donut shop...

Come in and try the worst donut that one woman on Yelp ever had in her life.

I don't always read something mind-numbingly stupid,

but when I do it's always from a tRUMP supporter.

It’s ironic that hyphenated is not hyphenated but non-hyphenated is hyphenated.

The cruelest self-help joke is being told to “leave your comfort zone.”

Sir, I haven’t even found the comfort zone yet. I’ve been living in the ‘Mild-to-Severe Anxiety Zone’ my whole life. Can you give me the coordinates?

I'll never apollogize for my puns about Greek gods.

HELP! I've fallen and I can't think of a reason to get up! (Bilbo)

My nephew asked me where Walla Walla was located.

I told him somewhere between ting tang and bing bang.

King Charles is seeking to restore British rule over the US.

Shout out to everyone who got through the day without taking a nap. Pulled an all-dayer today. Pretty rough.

Remember when the FIFA peace prize used to mean something? (Debra)

The CEO of IKEA was elected as the Prime Minister of Sweden.

Really? What's he doing now?

Assembling his cabinet. (Debra)

Do you pronounce climb it and climate the same or differently?

The only thing Greenland has that America desperately needs is free Universal Healthcare.

I'm 59 and just found a book among my mother's books called "Is My Child Stupid"?

Well, it did take me until I was 59 to find it.

Her: Just be yourself and say something nice.

Me: I can't do both! (Deb)

I didn't mean to press all your buttons, I was trying to find mute. (Deb)

Me: I'm not trying to be a bitch, but...

Narrator: Oh, but she was trying to be a bitch. She was trying to be the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched about bitches. (Deb)

Thank you for the free 10-day trial of 2026. I'd like to unsubscribe from whatever the hell this is. (Bilbo)

I went to Costco today to buy eggs. We usually get brown eggs, but today all they had were white ones. I guess ICE got there first. (Bilbo)

Q: How were the pyramids built?

A: The pyramids were built before Newton discovered gravity so the stones weight wasn't a problem.

It’s astonishing how many people seem to think that public execution is a reasonable outcome for someone driving away from an ICE agent.

Octopus with gun in each hand looking at a cat...

Cat: You're one short buddy.

Adult life really boils down to four things...

Everything is expensive

I don't know what to eat

I'm tired

ibuprofen

Headline...

'Morgue Employee Cremated By Mistake While Taking A Nap'

I guess two people got fired that day.

Let's see if I have this correct...

If I get out of my car I get taken to a concentration camp regardless of my citizenship, but if I don't get out of my car I get shot in the head, right?

It's weird how you never hear about the Proud Boys anymore. It's almost like they all got jobs.

What is the cheapest meat you can buy? 

Deer balls. They're under a buck.