Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary?
And on the Virgin Isles?
Same thing - not one canary there either!
The next time you shop, ask your cashier what kind of candy bar they like and buy them one.
I did this today, it was self checkout, but still, it's a nice thing to do!
Your body has always told you when it's tired.
At 80, you've finally stopped arguing with it.
One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting to her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home.
When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
After an uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think you should spank him." (Kathy)
If you want to look tall, hang out with short people.
If you want to look young, hang out with old people.
If you want to look smart, hang out with Trump supporters.
One day, you'll hear cell phones going off.
Then shouting and cheering.
In the distance, car horns will begin to honk.
A stranger might buy everyone a round at the bar where you're sitting.
And without anyone saying a word, you'll know...
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"'Cause before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." (Kathy)
I'm not getting older. I'm becoming a limited edition. (Bilbo)
A THIEF ATTEMPTED TO STEAL GAS FROM A PARKED TOURIST BUS, SIPHONED THE TOILET TANK INSTEAD.
"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores."
[Hitler rubs his chin] "So, mine less."
[A grammar Nazi bursts in] "Mine fewer!"
[Hitler looks up] "Yes?" (Kathy)
After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for."
"But I only have 38 sheep," says the farmer.
"I know," says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up." (Kathy)
Yesterday I saw a dog wearing a "Do not approach" vest. I wonder if they make those for people. (Bilbo)
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st-
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we-
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
The US is the only country in the world where people believe government-funded healthcare won't work because people with government-funded healthcare told them so.
There's microplastics in human semen now.
And it's like across the board.
It doesn't matter what economic class you're in.
There's microplastics in billionaire semen.
That's not good!
Kids eat that!
Why is sleeping in considered being lazy, but going to bed early isn't? (Kathy) (Exactly!)
When I have to fill out a form asking whom to call in case of an emergency,
I ALWAYS WRITE AN AMBULANCE.
No one in my family is going to answer a call from an UNKNOWN NUMBER.
For my age, I have a lot going for me.
My eyes are going.
My knees are going.
My back is going.
I'm actually a very pleasant person to be around ...
unless I'm hungry, tired, hot, cold, thirsty, anxious, dealing with idiots, or basically uncomfortable in any way.
At my age an all-nighter means I didn't have to get up and pee.
A college professor announces the rules for the final exam.
"No excuses. Missing this exam means failing the course.
Only a serious injury, a death in the family, or a nuclear disaster will be accepted."
A student at the back raises his hand with a grin.
"What about sexual exhaustion?"
The class bursts out laughing.
The professor waits for silence, then smiles back.
"In that case, you'll have to write with your other hand."
Funeral home director puts out a wanted
ad for out-of-work actors.
An actor shows up and interviews. "What's the job?"
"It's easy. On the day of funeral, you know how
we load the casket into that long car?"
"The hearse? Oh yeah, sure."
"Sometimes, the back door opens and the
casket falls out into the street. Your job is to
drive behind the car, and if that happens, you
jump out and re-load the casket into the back of
the car."
"OK. Why do you need an actor for this
particular job?"
"Because you guys are so good at rehearsing."
Them: You going to the party?
You: No, I'm a social vegan.
Them: A what?
You: I avoid meet!
MONSTERS DON'T LIKE TO EAT GHOSTS BECAUSE THEY TASTE LIKE SHEET.
As you get older you've got to stay positive.
For example, just the other day I fell down a fight of stairs.
But instead of getting all negative about it, I thought
to myself, geez that's the fastest I've moved in years!
I'm currently experiencing life at the rate of several "WTF's" per hour. (Bilbo)
Just remember that given the abundance of neurodivergent people in science, it's far more likely that autism causes vaccines.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
Putting someone on the ballot just because of their last name is a bit slimy.
But enough about Darlene Graham.
I met a woman at the park today.
She told me her name, her husband's name, and where they live.
I remember none of that.
Her dog is Walter. He's 9, loves cheese,
has seasonal allergies, his birthday
is October 19th, and he has beef
with a corgi named Stanley.
This information will live rent-free in my
brain for the next 30 years.
FOX: "WHY ARE YOU HERE THIS MORNING?"
TRUMP RALLY ATTENDEE: "WELL, IN THE LATE 70S, I
WAS A LITTLE TOO YOUNG TO GO TO SOUTH
AMERICA FOR THE JONESTOWN MASSACRE. BUT
THIS IS AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET, SO THAT'S
WHY I'M HERE. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE SEEING A
CULT RIGHT UP FRONT."
I know a super hot shower is bad for your skin and hair,
but being boiled alive is important for my mental health.
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