6702 - Saturday jokes

Now that I've reflected on it, cleaning mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing in the future. (Kathy)

In my school days, I did well in every subject except Greek mythology.
You could say that class was my Achilles elbow. (Kathy)

I had to call the tinnitus hotline today.
There was no answer -- it just kept ringing. (Kathy)

SOCIALISM IS THE FIRE DEPARTMENT SAVING YOUR HOUSE.

CAPITALISM IS THE INSURANCE COMPANY DENYING YOUR CLAIM.

COMMUNISM IS WHEN YOU START YOUR OWN TV PROPAGANDA STATION

AFTER KICKING OUT THE FREE PRESS.

Sen Schmitt: Mr. Smith, explain why NASA keeps making left turns for 500 miles.

Smith: Senator ... that's NASCAR, not NASA.

"I've officially reached the age where my obituary won't be using the word "untimely.""

Missouri didn't send a watchdog to Washington.

It sent Schmitt-for-brains.

If Democrats win the Senate, they should refuse to hold a hearing on Trump’s Supreme Court nominees until 2029.

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass

from mouth to stomach. A human

hair can hold 3kg. The length of a

penis is three times the length of

the thumb. The femur is as hard as

concrete. A woman's heart beats

faster than a man's. Women

blink 2 times as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to

keep our balance when we stand.

A woman has read this entire text.

A man is still looking at his thumb.

REMEMBER, AS FAR AS EVERYONE KNOWS,

WE ARE A NICE NORMAL FAMILY.

Gender reassignment surgery costs upwards of $100,000.

Somehow these dumb fucks think the science teacher is doing it for free between PE and math class.

It is impossible to overstate how stupid these people are.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween, they're terrible for the environment.

Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

They take a bit of prep work, but so worth it.

Reuse, repurpose, recycle.

It's scary that people are leaving MAGA over gas prices and not because of child rape.

Morons

Are

Governing

America

It's almost impossible to believe he exists. It's as if we took everything that was bad about America, scraped it up off the floor, wrapped it all up in an old hot dog skin, and then taught it to make noises with its face.

Today I was almost scammed out of my life savings.

I was about to hand over all my banking information when I suddenly recognized my daughters voice.

I met my wife when I was on jury duty.

Thanks to me, she was acquitted. 

I would like to replace the word rapist with raper.

To make it sound more like murderer, killer, and traitor.

And less like artist, scientist, humanist, and pacifist.

THINGS THAT ARE RISKY TO START IF YOU HAVE ADHD

1. Changing the sheets on your bed ... because there's a real

chance you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight while the wet

sheets are still in the washing machine.

2. Opening one "quick" email ... because 90 minutes later

you've replied to seven others, reorganized your inbox, and

forgotten the original reason you opened it.

3. Sitting down "just for five minutes" ... because your brain

may decide you've officially finished for the day.

4. Starting to tidy one drawer ... and suddenly every

drawer and cupboard in the house is empty and you run out

of dopamine before anything is actually put away.

Carole: That stupid teacher doesn't know shit about math, history or English. I'm sure I smelled vodka on her breath.

Brother: Stop it Carole! Mom is trying her best.

You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice

cream. And that's kind of the same thing.

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the

stupid ones that need the advice.

My phone's alarm is the only reminder in my

life that actually goes off on time.

Silence is golden, unless you have kids. Then

silence is suspicious.

I went out on a date with a woman recently and she said she wanted to get to know me better.

I said, "No you don't!"

I got news for you ladies. We're not hiding the good stuff.

I’ve reached the age where I can't tell if I’ve sustained an injury or that's just how I am now. (Bilbo)

I’m not really worried about getting older … I’ll still do the same dumb stuff, just slower. (Bilbo)

A recent study has shown that the most effective way to recover quickly after strenuous exercise is to be 20 years old. (Bilbo)

I think we need separate bathrooms for MAGA.

I don't feel comfortable with them around women and children.

Congressman Dave Min's 40 seconds on the

House floor: "Several of my Republican

colleagues have accused those who support

justice of having 'Trump Derangement

Syndrome.' You all suffer from something

much worse, which is 'Pedophile Protection

Syndrome." 

I love when people say "you literally can't fuck this up". 

Hey, you don't understand what I'm capable of.

"I did not mean that Conservatives are generally stupid; 

I meant, that stupid persons are generally Conservative. 

I believe that to be so obvious and

undeniable a fact that I hardly think any

honorable gentleman will question it."

~ John Stuart Mill

(During a parliamentary debate on May 31, 1866)

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the

mirror, complaining to my husband that my

breasts are too small. Instead of

characteristically telling me it's not so, he

uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every

day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it

between your breast for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet

paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing

it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years,"

he replies.

I stop and ask "Do you really think rubbing a

piece of toilet paper between my breasts every

day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for

your butt, didn't it?"

He is still alive, and with a great deal of

physical therapy, he may even walk again.

The White House @WhiteHouse

America will establish a permanent presence on the moon.

Dylan Williams @dylannotes

You guys fucked up painting the bottom of a pool.

6701 - Saturday jokes

Someone said that cranberry juice tastes like it doesn't want to be wet and I can't stop thinking about it.

"Hey, don't shoot the messenger".

(That's a Charley Kirk joke.)

When we yawn in public, do deaf people think we’re screaming?

License plate randomly generated...

694ANY1

Personal plates...

DTGVAFQ

HEYGFY

INAGDVD (I can hear the song in my head.)

PEPLSUC

FSTPHKR

Boy thlesdonsvyou learns you growvolder .. 

always keep yourvtoothpasteaesy from atubebof vagisil

one loosesitscminty freshness.

From a retired AP History teacher...

I actually had a student write in an essay, "the Vietnam war

was a mistake from the gecko."

and 

Still laughing over a fuming one star review in

which the reviewer declared a restaurant's

service to be "abdominal".

Yes, the Halloween candy is on sale right now but no, you should not buy it. It's a trick. Buy it now and you'll shame eat it on your couch and have to buy it all over again. Very clever, candy companies, but you can't fool me a 54th time.

IN THE NEAR FUTURE, A.I. IS GONNA TELL A WOMAN SHE'S WRONG ...

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, WILL BE THE END OF A.I.

Whites were projected to become a minority in the US in 2043.

But thanks to tRUMP it's now 2045.

POLK COUNTY SHERIFF ASKED WHY HIS OFFICERS A SHOT MAN 68 TIMES AFTER HE KILLED A K-9 AND THE K-9 HANDLER. THEIR RESPONSE: "WE RAN OUT OF BULLETS"

At a Starbucks...

Me: "What's you're bathroom code?"

Kid: "3.14159"

Me: "Hey! That's pi!"

Kid: "Nope, if were actually pi, you would never get in."

Dating is like buying a computer. You look for features, performance, compatibility, reliability, and most of all, no viruses. 

My typical weekend of working around the house. At the end, three things are now fixed. But six things that were working are now broken.

I'm currently experiencing life at the rate of several "WTF's" per hour.

Albert Einstein's second wife was his first cousin. This was special relativity. Other observers did not see this as he did. He failed to realize the gravity of the situation.

What do cheap people bring to a BBQ?

An appetite and 6 kids.

EVERY TIME I PUMP GAS, IT MAKES ME WANT TO SLAP A REPUBLICAN!

He signed this...

Donald J. Trump

President of the Unites States

Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? 

The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

😁

Trump warns Iran to accept his ultimatum or face the wrath of his next ultimatum.

"I read this article and it said that, apparently, there was a time in our history when we didn't all stagger around in horrified disbelief." (Bilbo)

A 95 year old man walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for 6 Viagra tablets. Then he asked if he would cut each of them into 4 pieces. The pharmacist said," Yes, of course I can do that but I must tell you that one quarter of a tablet will not be enough to give you an erection." The old man laughed and said, "Trust me son, at my age I don't need an erection." "Well why do you want them then?" the pharmacist asked. The old man said," I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."

I'm so tired of worrying about everything, for everyone, every second of the day.

But I'm also worried that nobody will worry as good as I do, about all the things that need worrying about.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive

questions which your wife asks for

nothing.

The seven ages of man: spills, drills,

thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.

My landlord says he needs to come talk to

me about how high my heating bill is. I

told him, "My door is always open".

Tell me again how I unloaded the

dishwasher too loudly when you were

watching golf. Detectives will want to

know exactly how this went down.

A woman faces the judge on a charge of shoplifting, and the judge asks her, "What did you steal?" The woman responded, "A can of peaches, Your Honor." The judge asked, "How many peaches were in the can?" She replied, " Six, sir." The judge said, " Very well, your sentence is to spend six days in the county jail." Immediately, the woman's husband chimed in, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas!"

6700 - Saturday jokes

I am quite chubby.

But I identify as skinny.

I'm trans slender.

Being a dad is like being a backup quarterback.

You're on the team, but you're not the star.

And on those rare occasions you're brought into the game,

people are nervous.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY YOU CAN SIMPLY POST

"HE'S AN IDIOT"

AND 90% OF THE WORLD WILL KNOW WHOM YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

When women get to a certain age they start collecting dogs and cats.

It's called many paws.

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is

BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level

employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is

FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is

BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle

management is TENNIS. 

6. The sport of choice for corporate

executives and officers is GOLF.

The amazing facts are.

The higher you go in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in

Washington playing marbles.

My wife said to me today, "I heard that a man goes deaf if he takes too much Viagra."

I said, "Who the Hell is Jeff and what is he doing in Niagara?"

A collection of some favorite sarcastic quotes...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your

neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable, If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug: some days you're the windshield.

Being an adult just means you don't get rewarded for finishing all your food. My niece ate 2 chicken nuggets and got ice-cream. I ate 10 and my mom said "I thought you were on a diet".

When I die , I want a crank on the side of my casket that plays the jack in the box song ... just to see who has the guts to turn it!

Old age is just walking around all day muttering things like ...

"What was I going to say?"

"What did I come in here for?"

"Did I already take my pill?"

"How did I get this bruise?"

"Why am I sore?"

"Where did I leave my phone?"

"Who moved my water glass?"

"Did the dryer shrink these pants?"

"That's it. Diet starts tomorrow."

"$2.99 a pound for apples? The nerve."

"I could've sworn that was my password."

Man and Cockroach talking ...

Man: 'My penis is ten times longer than your whole body.'

Cockroach. 'Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do!'

Aging is a funny little scam. In my head I'm still young, fabulous and ready to cause trouble. Then I catch myself in the mirror, and think...

WELL WHO INVITED GRANDPA!

If you're looking for a joke about crooked teeth...

Brace yourself.

UNTIL A DRAG QUEEN WALKS INTO A SCHOOL AND BEATS EIGHT KIDS TO DEATH WITH A COPY OF 'TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, I THINK YOU'RE FOCUSING ON THE WRONG SHIT.

WANDA SYKES

10 things that are absolutely

NOT worth the money anymore.

10. Restaurants

$34 entrée. $16 cocktail. 20% tip. I could've

stayed home and disappointed myself for

free.

9. Gambling

The fuck is a parlay? I'll keep my $100,

thank you.

8. Airbnb

Nothing says vacation like paying a $150

cleaning fee and waking up to a chore list.

7. Streaming

We killed cable, chopped it into 11 apps,

added commercials and called it progress.

6. Fast food

If I need to check my bank account before

ordering a combo, we've lost the plot.

5. DoorDash

A $16 meal becomes $31 and suddenly I'm

not that hungry anymore.

4. New cars

Seven year loan. $800

payment. And somehow heated seats are a

subscription.

3. Expensive universities

$200,000 to spend four years hoping

Linkedin has good news for you.

2. Concert tickets

$90 ticket. $147 total.

Apparently Ticketmaster also attended

the concert.

1. Gas

$70 just to get to work so I can make money

to buy more gas to get to work.

I KNOW this list can get worse.

Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap. (Bilbo)

6699 - Saturday jokes

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN SEEING SOMEONE OUTSIDE IN THEIR PAJAMAS MEANT THEIR HOUSE WAS ON FIRE.

NOW IT JUST MEANS YOU'RE AT WALMART.

My wife told me the other day I'm going to be a father for the first time.

The problem is we already have two kids.

A tourist who went rope jumping in San Paulo Brazil fell to her death when the instructors forgot to attach the rope to her harness.

When the owner of the rope jumping company was asked for comment, he said, "MEEP! MEEP!".

(If your still thinking about this, picture the coyote and roadrunner.)

People used to laugh at me when I would say "l want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking for directions.

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

There is a new trend in our office, everyone is naming their food. Today I ate a sandwich named Kevin.

REARRANGE THESE LETTERS TO FORM WORDS.

1. PNEIS

2. BUTTSXE

DID YOU GET "SPINE" AND "SUBTEXT"?

YEAH ... NEITHER DID I.

Next time you're feeling down, remember, life is all about perspective.

I have a friend who has sex 2 to 3 times a week.

He exercises twice a day.

He reads two books a week.

Yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison.

Trump died and got buried at Mar-a-lago. 

A man in New York went to LaGuardia airport and told the agent "I want to piss on Donald Trump's grave." 

The agent said "Yes sir, here's a ticket to Los Angeles." 

The man said "Los Angeles? He's buried in Florida." 

The agent said, "Correct. Los Angeles is the back of the line."

I've been flying commercially for more than half a century. Today was my first flight on what the pilot referred to as an unmanned aircraft.

The entire flight crew - pilots and flight attendants - were all female.

Pretty damn cool.

Here is why English is so much fun:

"The faith he had had had had no effect on the outcome of his life."

If drugs aren't allowed in sports, why isn't makeup banned in beauty contests?

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his

father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my

wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off

my pants, handed them to your mother, and

said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said,

'These are too big, I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this

family and I always will.'

'Ever since that night we never had any

problems.' 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that

might be a good thing to try. On his

honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to

Karen, 'Here - try these on.' She tried them on

and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit

me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this

family and I always will. I don't want you to ever

forget that.' Then Karen took off her pants and

handed them to Mike.

She said, 'Here-you try on mine.' He tried and

said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said,

'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass

attitude, you never will.'

If you're more outraged by a woman ending a pregnancy than by a man creating one and disappearing, your problem isn't morality, it's misogyny.

Maine license plate...

PHQTRMP

Fox Relieved to Learn That Trump is Only Banning News Networks from White House.

At the bank...

I'D LIKE TO GET ME SOME OF THEM TRUMP DOLLAR COINS PLEASE.

  I'M SORRY, BUT BANKS CAN'T GET THEM.

THEY'RE LEGAL CURRENCY, RIGHT?

  YES, BUT ONLY THE U.S. MINT HAS THEM, AND THEY'LL COST YOU ABOUT $2.40 EACH.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE GOLD-PLATED, RIGHT?

  NOPE, ZINC, MAGNESIUM, NICKEL, COPPER. NO GOLD.

WHAT ARE THEY FOR, THEN?

  I DUNNO. PEOPLE WHO COLLECT NAZI MEMORABILIA?

After landing my new job as a Walmart

greeter - a great gig for many retirees - I

lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first shift, a loud,

mean-looking woman stormed in with two

kids, yelling obscenities at them the whole

way.

As I'd been trained, I smiled and said

cheerfully,

"Good morning and welcome to Walmart!

Nice children you have there. Are they

twins?"

She snarled,

"Hell no, they ain't twins! One's 9, the other

is 7. Are you blind or just stupid ?! "

So I smiled and replied,

"Neither, ma'am. I just couldn't believe

someone slept with you twice."

And that's how I became formerly employed

by Walmart.

Currently updating my résumé ... anyone

hiring greeters with sarcasm skills?

WHAT DO TOY TRAINS AND BOOBS HAVE IN COMMON?

THEY'RE BOTH INTENDED FOR CHILDREN, BUT IT'S THE FATHERS THAT END UP PLAYING WITH THEM!

If you don't know the difference between "there," "their" and "they're" your a idiot.

... Well this is awkward.

6698 - Saturday jokes

OBAMA 2028!

Since rules don't exist anymore.

“GOP leaders are now divided between the fearful and the deluded - between those who have lost their nerve and those who have lost their minds.” (Michael Gerson) (Bilbo)

THE DAY AFTER A HOLIDAY IS DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE RETIRED. EVERYBODY ELSE IS COMPLAINING ABOUT GOING BACK TO WORK. I'M JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT DAY IT IS. (John)

To every woman who wants to repeal the 19th Amendment:

Quit your job, close your bank account, cut up your credit cards, surrender your property, and ask your husband for permission to speak. Live the miserable little fantasy you're trying to force on everyone else.

OUR BEST HOPE IS THAT TRUMP IS TAKING MEDICAL ADVICE FROM ROBERT KENNEDY, JR.

Why are there poptarts,

but no momtarts?

Because of the pastryarchy.

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth.

Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more

connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these

connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly

unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower. (Kathy)

If the phrase: "GET OFF THE COMPUTER, I NEED THE PHONE",

makes perfect sense to you, you're officially old.

What do you see when aliens get diarrhea?

Mysterious crap circles.

Did you guys know that the first drag queens in recorded American history all got together and wrote the Declaration of Independence?

Him: Your mom is as healthy as a horse. She'll be out of the hospital soon and moving in with us.

Her: I don't understand. The doctor told me yesterday that Mom was dying.

Him: I don't know what he told you, but he told me to prepare for the worst.

How do you get everyone excited about a family reunion?

By telling them it's been cancelled. (Kathy)

What do you call a dog that herds watermelons? 

A melon collie.

How does a burger introduce his wife? 

Meet Patty.

McDonalds called out order 867 and I yelled 5309 and nobody laughed.

Then I felt old and ate my burger in the playground area.

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday

School class, "If I sold my house and my car,

had a big garage sale and gave all my money to

the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"NO!", the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the

yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would

I get into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to

Heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy

shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"