6700 - Saturday jokes

I am quite chubby.

But I identify as skinny.

I'm trans slender.

Being a dad is like being a backup quarterback.

You're on the team, but you're not the star.

And on those rare occasions you're brought into the game,

people are nervous.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY YOU CAN SIMPLY POST

"HE'S AN IDIOT"

AND 90% OF THE WORLD WILL KNOW WHOM YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

When women get to a certain age they start collecting dogs and cats.

It's called many paws.

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is

BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level

employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is

FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is

BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle

management is TENNIS. 

6. The sport of choice for corporate

executives and officers is GOLF.

The amazing facts are.

The higher you go in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in

Washington playing marbles.

My wife said to me today, "I heard that a man goes deaf if he takes too much Viagra."

I said, "Who the Hell is Jeff and what is he doing in Niagara?"

A collection of some favorite sarcastic quotes...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your

neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable, If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug: some days you're the windshield.

Being an adult just means you don't get rewarded for finishing all your food. My niece ate 2 chicken nuggets and got ice-cream. I ate 10 and my mom said "I thought you were on a diet".

When I die , I want a crank on the side of my casket that plays the jack in the box song ... just to see who has the guts to turn it!

Old age is just walking around all day muttering things like ...

"What was I going to say?"

"What did I come in here for?"

"Did I already take my pill?"

"How did I get this bruise?"

"Why am I sore?"

"Where did I leave my phone?"

"Who moved my water glass?"

"Did the dryer shrink these pants?"

"That's it. Diet starts tomorrow."

"$2.99 a pound for apples? The nerve."

"I could've sworn that was my password."

Man and Cockroach talking ...

Man: 'My penis is ten times longer than your whole body.'

Cockroach. 'Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do!'

Aging is a funny little scam. In my head I'm still young, fabulous and ready to cause trouble. Then I catch myself in the mirror, and think...

WELL WHO INVITED GRANDPA!

If you're looking for a joke about crooked teeth...

Brace yourself.

UNTIL A DRAG QUEEN WALKS INTO A SCHOOL AND BEATS EIGHT KIDS TO DEATH WITH A COPY OF 'TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, I THINK YOU'RE FOCUSING ON THE WRONG SHIT.

WANDA SYKES

10 things that are absolutely

NOT worth the money anymore.

10. Restaurants

$34 entrée. $16 cocktail. 20% tip. I could've

stayed home and disappointed myself for

free.

9. Gambling

The fuck is a parlay? I'll keep my $100,

thank you.

8. Airbnb

Nothing says vacation like paying a $150

cleaning fee and waking up to a chore list.

7. Streaming

We killed cable, chopped it into 11 apps,

added commercials and called it progress.

6. Fast food

If I need to check my bank account before

ordering a combo, we've lost the plot.

5. DoorDash

A $16 meal becomes $31 and suddenly I'm

not that hungry anymore.

4. New cars

Seven year loan. $800

payment. And somehow heated seats are a

subscription.

3. Expensive universities

$200,000 to spend four years hoping

Linkedin has good news for you.

2. Concert tickets

$90 ticket. $147 total.

Apparently Ticketmaster also attended

the concert.

1. Gas

$70 just to get to work so I can make money

to buy more gas to get to work.

I KNOW this list can get worse.

Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap. (Bilbo)

6699 - Saturday jokes

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN SEEING SOMEONE OUTSIDE IN THEIR PAJAMAS MEANT THEIR HOUSE WAS ON FIRE.

NOW IT JUST MEANS YOU'RE AT WALMART.

My wife told me the other day I'm going to be a father for the first time.

The problem is we already have two kids.

A tourist who went rope jumping in San Paulo Brazil fell to her death when the instructors forgot to attach the rope to her harness.

When the owner of the rope jumping company was asked for comment, he said, "MEEP! MEEP!".

(If your still thinking about this, picture the coyote and roadrunner.)

People used to laugh at me when I would say "l want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking for directions.

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

There is a new trend in our office, everyone is naming their food. Today I ate a sandwich named Kevin.

REARRANGE THESE LETTERS TO FORM WORDS.

1. PNEIS

2. BUTTSXE

DID YOU GET "SPINE" AND "SUBTEXT"?

YEAH ... NEITHER DID I.

Next time you're feeling down, remember, life is all about perspective.

I have a friend who has sex 2 to 3 times a week.

He exercises twice a day.

He reads two books a week.

Yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison.

Trump died and got buried at Mar-a-lago. 

A man in New York went to LaGuardia airport and told the agent "I want to piss on Donald Trump's grave." 

The agent said "Yes sir, here's a ticket to Los Angeles." 

The man said "Los Angeles? He's buried in Florida." 

The agent said, "Correct. Los Angeles is the back of the line."

I've been flying commercially for more than half a century. Today was my first flight on what the pilot referred to as an unmanned aircraft.

The entire flight crew - pilots and flight attendants - were all female.

Pretty damn cool.

Here is why English is so much fun:

"The faith he had had had had no effect on the outcome of his life."

If drugs aren't allowed in sports, why isn't makeup banned in beauty contests?

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his

father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my

wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off

my pants, handed them to your mother, and

said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said,

'These are too big, I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this

family and I always will.'

'Ever since that night we never had any

problems.' 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that

might be a good thing to try. On his

honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to

Karen, 'Here - try these on.' She tried them on

and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit

me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this

family and I always will. I don't want you to ever

forget that.' Then Karen took off her pants and

handed them to Mike.

She said, 'Here-you try on mine.' He tried and

said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said,

'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass

attitude, you never will.'

If you're more outraged by a woman ending a pregnancy than by a man creating one and disappearing, your problem isn't morality, it's misogyny.

Maine license plate...

PHQTRMP

Fox Relieved to Learn That Trump is Only Banning News Networks from White House.

At the bank...

I'D LIKE TO GET ME SOME OF THEM TRUMP DOLLAR COINS PLEASE.

  I'M SORRY, BUT BANKS CAN'T GET THEM.

THEY'RE LEGAL CURRENCY, RIGHT?

  YES, BUT ONLY THE U.S. MINT HAS THEM, AND THEY'LL COST YOU ABOUT $2.40 EACH.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE GOLD-PLATED, RIGHT?

  NOPE, ZINC, MAGNESIUM, NICKEL, COPPER. NO GOLD.

WHAT ARE THEY FOR, THEN?

  I DUNNO. PEOPLE WHO COLLECT NAZI MEMORABILIA?

After landing my new job as a Walmart

greeter - a great gig for many retirees - I

lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first shift, a loud,

mean-looking woman stormed in with two

kids, yelling obscenities at them the whole

way.

As I'd been trained, I smiled and said

cheerfully,

"Good morning and welcome to Walmart!

Nice children you have there. Are they

twins?"

She snarled,

"Hell no, they ain't twins! One's 9, the other

is 7. Are you blind or just stupid ?! "

So I smiled and replied,

"Neither, ma'am. I just couldn't believe

someone slept with you twice."

And that's how I became formerly employed

by Walmart.

Currently updating my résumé ... anyone

hiring greeters with sarcasm skills?

WHAT DO TOY TRAINS AND BOOBS HAVE IN COMMON?

THEY'RE BOTH INTENDED FOR CHILDREN, BUT IT'S THE FATHERS THAT END UP PLAYING WITH THEM!

If you don't know the difference between "there," "their" and "they're" your a idiot.

... Well this is awkward.

6698 - Saturday jokes

OBAMA 2028!

Since rules don't exist anymore.

“GOP leaders are now divided between the fearful and the deluded - between those who have lost their nerve and those who have lost their minds.” (Michael Gerson) (Bilbo)

THE DAY AFTER A HOLIDAY IS DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE RETIRED. EVERYBODY ELSE IS COMPLAINING ABOUT GOING BACK TO WORK. I'M JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT DAY IT IS. (John)

To every woman who wants to repeal the 19th Amendment:

Quit your job, close your bank account, cut up your credit cards, surrender your property, and ask your husband for permission to speak. Live the miserable little fantasy you're trying to force on everyone else.

OUR BEST HOPE IS THAT TRUMP IS TAKING MEDICAL ADVICE FROM ROBERT KENNEDY, JR.

Why are there poptarts,

but no momtarts?

Because of the pastryarchy.

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth.

Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more

connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these

connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly

unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower. (Kathy)

If the phrase: "GET OFF THE COMPUTER, I NEED THE PHONE",

makes perfect sense to you, you're officially old.

What do you see when aliens get diarrhea?

Mysterious crap circles.

Did you guys know that the first drag queens in recorded American history all got together and wrote the Declaration of Independence?

Him: Your mom is as healthy as a horse. She'll be out of the hospital soon and moving in with us.

Her: I don't understand. The doctor told me yesterday that Mom was dying.

Him: I don't know what he told you, but he told me to prepare for the worst.

How do you get everyone excited about a family reunion?

By telling them it's been cancelled. (Kathy)

What do you call a dog that herds watermelons? 

A melon collie.

How does a burger introduce his wife? 

Meet Patty.

McDonalds called out order 867 and I yelled 5309 and nobody laughed.

Then I felt old and ate my burger in the playground area.

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday

School class, "If I sold my house and my car,

had a big garage sale and gave all my money to

the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"NO!", the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the

yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would

I get into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to

Heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy

shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

6697 - Saturday jokes

Hell hath no fury like an Internet commenter who hasn't read the article but wants to disagree anyway.

A man just called me evil, I needed that.

Thought I was losing my spark for a minute.

WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE DEAD.

THE PAIN IS FELT BY OTHERS. 

THE SAME THING HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE STUPID.

It's "Lake Ontario" not Lake America.

It's "Gulf of Mexico" not Gulf of America.

It's "convicted felon" not president.

Them: "You're so quiet!"

Autistic person: "Correct. I've analyzed your patterns and decided you're not safe."

Never before in U.S. history has a man been so completely sold on his own manufactured greatness. 

A fantasy constructed and maintained solely within the cramped theater of his own skull.

If you could just snap your fingers and make five people disappear for good with absolutely no consequences to you, who would be the other four?

“I talk to an invisible man who controls the universe.”  

If uttered in a psychiatric ward, it’s a symptom.  

If proclaimed in a church, it’s a sermon.  

Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough. (Bilbo)

St. Upid

Patron saint of economic collapse.

Science is hard. You gotta prove it, test it, and reproduce the results.

Pseudoscience is easy. You make it up, add some fear, and watch ignorant people spread it.

Yes I've had a colonoscopy.

I guess you could say I've had a Cameron Diaz. 

Which super hero is best at baseball?

Batman. (Kathy)

Whenever someone asks what I’m doing later and my answer is “nothing,” please understand “nothing” is not an opening in my schedule. “Nothing” is the event. It’s the plan. (Bilbo)

My emotional support animal is a chicken. Four piece. With a biscuit and fries. (Bilbo)

I'm really glad President Obama rid the world of Osama Bin Laden before Donald Trump had the chance to fall in love with him.

Am I Fat?

Boomers: You Could Lose A few Pounds

Millennials: "No You're Beautiful"

Gen Z :" We Don't Body Shame Of Course You're Not"

Gen X: " I Know 5 Fat People and You're 4 of them'

Why did a woman stop dating Spiderman?

He got too clingy. (Kathy)

There's a new Fleetwood Mac GPS out, but it's absolutely useless.  

Every time I try to get directions, it just says, "You can go your own way." (Kathy)

“If stupidity got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out?” (Will Rogers) (Bilbo)

I saw a video of a guy berating a woman for the red cap she was wearing.

The cap said, "Made you look... Fuck Trump".

Trump on Iran: "They can't go to the bathroom without us seeing it".

Comment: Just like the Miss Teen USA contestants.

6696 - For the readers out there.

Project your books on the wall. I assume it gets the books from the internet.

https://calurios.com/products/nooklight%E2%84%A2