6615 - Long joke Sunday

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. 

You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

(Bilbo)

6614 - Saturday jokes

Headline...

"Seal breaks into New Zealand home, traumatizes cat and hangs out on couch."

*

Phil Ross, who happens to be a marine biologist, said it was unfortunate he was the only one 'not' at home at the time.

Imagine being a marine biologist and marine biology comes to visit you but you're not home.

A man was sitting on a couch with his wife, laughing together. Until his wife said a word he hadn't heard in decades. Only one person had ever used that word, his best friend who went missing in Thailand 20 years ago. In that moment he realized why his friend was never found. ................ Sex change.

Covering up your camera on your laptop could damage it. Apple.

Yes this statement is correct. Please remove the tape immediately. For... Safety reasons. FBI.

What a time in life to have an anxiety disorder, a love of history, and a compulsive need to stay informed.

At my age, to see the Northern lights, all I have to do is stand up too fast. Sometimes I even see a solar eclipse. 

I wish I could still buy things at the prices I used to complain about.

My doctor asked me if I exercise and I replied with "I jump to conclusions really well".

Men are saying NYC is getting 10 inches of snow and women are saying NYC is getting 4 inches of snow.

Oh but 4 inches is suddenly a lot when it's snow.

Your body needs 1000 calories an hour when you are snowed in.

The storm isn't even here yet and I ate all my food.

Be the reason someone can't use your name for their baby.

Randy, 360 lbs., says he stands with ICE.

Better not be thin ICE.

I hate watching breakfast on TV shows. You know they're not going to eat 90% of the food.

Guy 1: Socialism doesn't work.

Guy 2: Did a satanic pedophile billionaire tell you that?

School teacher asked little Jane to tell the class what her dad did for a living. She said that he was a stripper at a gay night club and turned tricks in the alley for extra cash. After school the teacher asked Jane if that was really true. Jane said no, he really works at Fox news, but she was too ashamed to say that. (John)

This year feels like being awake during surgery, but also it’s the wrong surgery and now you have a serious infection, and none of it is covered by your insurance anymore, and you still have to go to work tomorrow. (Bilbo)

I read somewhere that sniffing rosemary helps improve your memory. I sniffed Rosemary once, she hit me, and I don’t remember anything after that. (Bilbo)

On February 2nd a ground hog was harassed by a bunch of dipshits in stupid hats.

The president of the United States and the dumbest motherfucker on earth should be two different people.

You can't give away a used mattress but somehow we'll pay three hundred bucks a night to sleep on one at a hotel.

What’s your favorite paraprosdokian?

Here is my favorite:

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I hate it when people show me pictures of their kids.

I go, "We get it, he's missing, move on!"

I forgot to pay my Scrabble Club subscription fee. Now they’re sending me threatening letters. (Bilbo)

Adam and Eve leaving the Garden of Eden...

Let's go into politics where there is no shame. (Bilbo)

Do clouds ever look down on us and say "that orange one is shaped like an idiot"?

After recent events, Mexico has decided to pay for the wall.

Canada has one in the plans also.

6613 - Thursday trees

I actually gathered 16 pics for today. And 4 more from Bilbo. Guess which 4, after declaring your fav.

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6612 - Long joke Sunday

A man wearing a MAGA baseball cap was seated next to an woman on an airplane. 

He turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The woman, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the man. “How about those children whose parents get them vaccinated becoming autistic.”

“Okay,” she said. “This could be interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. 

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. 

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The man, visibly surprised by the woman’s question, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the woman replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss science and medicine, when you don’t know shit?”

************

This is the perfect month. Starts on Sunday, 28 days long, ends on Saturday. We could have 13 of these if we wanted too. 

6611 - Saturday jokes

H1 - What's an orgasm?

H2 - When you fold paper to look like birds and stuff.

H3 - Gurl, that's oregano.

From Nextdoor: There’s a homeless/unhorsed person who has created a “camp” at Valcour & Heege in Affton.

"Ever been to sea, Billy?"

"No, Captain Hindgrinder."

"Then meet your bunkmates, Ben Dover and Phil McCracken." (Tundra Bunny via Debra)

Who knew that in America's ugly divorce, the liberals would get custody of the NFL, the true teachings of Jesus, and the second amendment.

I should do something with my life...

maybe tomorrow.

JD Vance placed candles outside Hooters where ICE agents were heckled.

In a recent interview, tRUMP paused, tapped his head, and struggled to recall the word Alzheimer's.

Cannonballs used to be stored aboard ship on piles, on a triangular brass frame or tray called a brass monkey, three on the bottom, one in the middle on top. In very cold weather the brass would contract, spilling the cannonballs all over the deck. Hence very cold weather is "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey".

Sign on machine:

WARNING

Moving parts present serious risk to dicks.

DO NOT PUT DICK IN MACHINERY.

Him:

INSTRUCTIONS UNCLEAR!

DICK STUCK IN MACHINERY!

How many chefs do you think were executed in medieval times because the King's food tester had a food allergy?

Let's do a drone light show over an uncontacted tribe and become their gods.

Sign on door to classroom:

The spider infestation has been mostly resolved.

I feel like I’ve experienced more historical events since 2025 than we were actually required to learn about in school.

MAGAts are caught in a loop. Climate change is a hoax but we need Greenland because of climate change which a hoax.

Wind chimes are made from the metallic bones of robots that tried to overthrow us.

Hang them outside as a warning to others.

How prior authorizations work...

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr. to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she really? Let's ask her doctor.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is, sphere itself.

Cows farts are dangerous.

They need cattlelitic converters.

The five-second rule does not apply if you have a two-second dog.

Happy Semiquincentennial Anniversary Year, USA!

Even though... The US Constitution dates to 1789. The Articles of Confederation date to 1777. The American Revolutionary War began in 1775 and ended in 1783.

The internet used to come through the phone and it sounded like screaming robots.

Sure grandpa, let's get you to bed.