6694 - Saturday... August jokes

*** No, I'm not back. These jokes took almost two months to collect. I finally got enough to post them. ***

If you feel depressed, go for a run. 

You'll find out that your physical health is far worse than your mental health.

After researchers found that women who jog without a bra get longer breasts,

some men have started running without underwear.

Medicare will pay for your heart surgery. It will not pay for the glasses you need to read the bill afterward.

Medicare doesn't cover your teeth, eyes, or your ears. 3 things retirees actually need.

I saw an overweight woman at the bus stop today. I asked her, "When is it due?" 

She said, "I'm not pregnant, you rude prick!" 

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat bitch!"

Just be thankful that Covid hit us when Dr. Fauci was the Chief Medical Advisor. 

Can you imagine if Kennedy was in office, we'd all be dead.

Conservative *logic*.

Who hoards all the wealth while wages stagnate? Billionaires!

Who owns all the housing, utilities, and media? Billionaires!

Who lobbies politicians to rig the system? Billionaires!

So why is everything so bad right now? Socialism & Immigrants!

Stop leaving your kids with the grandparents.

I recently asked my nephew how old he was. 

He said, "God willing I'll be 7 in June."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE COMPARING TRUMP TO SATAN. 

YES, HE'S EVIL, BUT HE'S CERTAINLY NOT AS EVIL AS TRUMP".

Some are upset that tRUMP keeps falling asleep. 

I'm pissed off that he keeps waking up.

Can't stop thinking about people who first ate mushrooms through trial and error. 

You know like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Kevin instantly, 

and this one made me see God for 2 weeks.

Doc: I'm just waiting for your X-Ray.

Female patient: But I've never dated anyone named Ray.

Doc: And we might do a brain scan.

Employee: Sir, could I have a day off to help my mother-in-law move?

Boss: Absolutely not!

Employee: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you!

There's something deeply bizarre about the possibility that

humanity's first truly simultaneous global celebration, 

across every time zone, might be triggered by the death of 

a single human being.

I was on holiday in Turkey and came across one of those Turkish Bath Houses.

They shave with a solid steel stoneground razor, snip out nose and ear hairs, 

wax off chest and back hair, pluck all the hairs out of the crack of your ass, 

all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.

Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.

Someone should form an organization of missionaries to go into American evangelical churches and convert them to Christianity.

*Trump drowns a puppy, pulls it out of

the water at the last moment*

Trump: "Not even Lincoln saved a puppy."

Liberals/Media: "You tried to drown it."

Hannity: "The fake news media won't

even let Trump save a puppy without

attacking him."

MAGA: "Why do liberals hate

puppies?"

Just to be clear .... WE PAID

THE FUCKING TARIFFS AND

THE CORPORATIONS GOT

THE REFUNDS.

If you vote Republican ever

again you're as dumb as that

red hat makes you look !!!

White House evacuated after trans alarm goes off.

Autism:

1 in 10,000 (1990)

1 in 30 (2026)

Vaccines cause autism.

Near Earth Asteroids:

20 (1960)

40,000+ (2026)

Telescopes cause asteroids

Conservatives don't know what democratic socialism is, 

so they call it communism because they don't know what that is either.

I was surprised when a couple of vegetarians demanded to know why I still eat meat. Nobody expects the spinach inquisition. (Bilbo)