3574 - Saturday jokes

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"
"I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize."


I asked my mom why everyone at school picked on me and she said it was because I'm just a bad teacher.


They say education is important but did Lance Armstrong need math to ride his bike to the moon?


What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?
Want to buy a piece of candy?


A lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the gates of heaven.
He asks St. Peter, "Why am I here? I was healthy, and so young!"
St. Peter replies, "Young? You were 103 years old!"
The lawyer says, "What? No! I was 36!!"
St. Peter looks at his ledger and then says, "Ahh, I see the problem. We were going by hours billed."


The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'.
Which also means nothing.


In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.


"A considerate man would give up his seat to a lady in my condition," said the pregnant woman on the bus.
"A considerate woman would have had sex with a guy with a car," I replied.


“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” He replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen only work on Tuesdays.”


A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar. She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them. She says, "I want a man that's smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence." The black guy goes, "I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes, "I like to cook liver and cheese." The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys, "Liver alone, cheese mine!"


Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.” On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?”
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?” ”I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, “This is your asshole before going to prison..."


I’m really good at managing my credit card.
My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.


My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.
They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.