3847 - Saturday jokes

As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way.
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.


A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are on a boat in the middle of a lake.
The priest, remembering he forgot his phone on the shore, says he'll be right back. He hops overboard, and walks on water to the shore and back.
The minister, who also forgot an item on the shore, follows suit and jumps off the boat. He walks on the water there and back.
The rabbi, who did not forget anything, decides he will not be shown-up. He jumps off the boat, and sinks.
The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"


An Army captain receives a message.
The message says, that the father of one Private Miller just died. So after morning drill he yells: "Private Miller step forward!"
The private does as ordered and the captain yells: "Miller, your father died. Now get back in line so I can continue the drill!"
A general overhears this and speaks to the captain. "Captain, you cannot relay such a message in such a disrespectful way. That man just lost a parent. You absolutely need to be more respectful here."
A few weeks later the captain receives a message saying that the mother of Private Miller commited suicide because she couldn't cope with the fact that her husband had died. So after morning drill he speaks to his men: "May the soldiers who still have at least one parent take a step back. Oh, not so fast Private Miller..."


What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?
The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.


Have you heard of the Saudi Arabia gay pride anthem?
We will, we will rock you!


What do you call a pizza joint run by epileptic midgets?
Little Seizure's.


I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was bad in bed.
It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

My wife likes to talk in bed. Last night she called me.

I told my wife she was bad in bed, so she went out and got a second opinion.


A Jewish guy and a Czechoslovakian guy were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian guy. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now there are only two bears on this mountain," the ranger explained. "One is a male, the other is a female. Which is the one that ate your friend?" The guy said it was definitely the male bear. So the ranger fired the gun and killed the bear, while the other ran away. When they cut it open to see, its stomach was empty.
The moral of the story? Never trust a Jewish guy that says the Czech is in the male.


What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.


I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"
"Sure, whatever," I said.
So he handed me a glass of Pepsi and coke.


An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.
His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”
The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”