Saturday, November 18, 2017

3875 - Saturday jokes


Winston goes to church and the vicar says, "What's wrong my son?" Winston says, "I want you to pray for my hearing". The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes. "So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar. "I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".


I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trigonometry, I’ll even do statistics.
But graphing is where I draw the line!


When I was in college I got my first job as a bartender. During orientation the manager told me about some of the regulars including Doctor John. He said Doctor John would come in every Thursday and order the same thing, 2 maple daiquiri's. It was pretty simple to make, some white rum, lime juice and maple syrup.
So my first Thursday shift arrived and Doctor John came in and ordered his 2 maple daiquiri's, drank them, then he left.
Then the next week he came in and ordered the same thing. I go to make the daiquiri's but when I go to add the syrup I see that there is a problem, there's no maple syrup. I looked around and found some hickory syrup and thought since they are both woods that it would be a good substitute. So I add the syrup and give the drink to Doctor John, he takes 1 sip, spits it out and says, "That's not a maple daiquiri." I said, "No, that's a hickory daiquiri Doc."


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," the man said, emerging from the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably", came the reply from the other room, "that I married you for your money."


Where does Benedict Arnold get his groceries?
Traitor Joe's.


If a drummer quits band, but comes back later, would there be repercussions?


We had random drug testing at work today.
The pcp was my favorite.


A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making a spectacle of yourselves!"


My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.


A man answered an ad that read, "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour".
When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test. He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess. When the boss asked him why he did this he replied, "One is an $18/hr weld, the other is $24/hr".


6 comments:

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Great jokes - especially the puns. Traitor Joe's. Hickory Dickory Doc!

Cloudia said...

Thanks Bro

John A Hill said...

I like the way the welder thinks.
And my wife won't play Scrabble with me

...because I always win!

Duckbutt said...

Cheating at Scrabble? That's notorious.

Clarissa said...

I enjoyed your jokes. :-)

allenwoodhaven said...

Good laughs!!