4908 - Saturday jokes

 

I went to an archaeology party where they were looking for the remains of a lower leg. It was quite a shindig.

I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face when she scanned the bag of birdseed, and I asked her how long does it take the birds to grow after I plant the seeds.

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day.

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex-lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s mind once and for all.

“You see,” she told him, “he was struck by a drunk driver.”

He replied, “I wasn’t drunk.” 

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic. But they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough water, it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looks at him and says, “No, but that isn’t really a question you want to ask in a class discussion.”

So the student replies, “Then I’ve definitely shit in my pants.”

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

What do you call a Medieval spy?

Sir Veillance.

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinner table, the trunk comes out of his pants and starts sniffing around on the table, and after finding a roll, it disappears back under the table. His date sits there astonished while the guy tries to act like he didn't see it. Then the trunk does the same thing again, grabbing a roll and dropping under the table. His date says "That's amazing! Can you do it again?" Guy says "Probably, but I don't want another roll stuffed up my ass."

I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it.

Tonight I'm going to have a fig!

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."

"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock that big!"

Almost all coins look the same.

This must be what we call a coincidence.

My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.

Back then they called it the US Army.

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs bursts into her Grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog.

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”

Son comes home to see mom and dad fooling around on the couch.

The dad looks up at the boy and laughs, “That’s how it’s done, son!”

Furious, the boy storms out.

The next day, mom and dad come home to see their son fooling around with grandma on the couch.

Angry, the father exclaims, “Boy! What do you think you’re doing?!”

The son smirks and says, “It’s not so funny when it’s your mom is it?”

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house.

He refused.

Newton died a virgin. So in this instance, at least, I'm better than Newton.

I haven't died yet.

It's 3 in the morning and an elderly man is flying down the highway at 105 mph. A state trooper pulls him over. "Where in the hell are you racing to at this hour?"

"To a lecture, officer."

"Who gives a lecture at 3 a.m.?"

"My wife."

A teacher asks her students, "Can anybody spell before?"

Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r. Before."

"No that is wrong.Sit down."say⁴s the teacher."

"Frankie, can you spell before?"

Frankie stands up and says, "Before. B - e- e- f -o-r. Before!"

"No, that's not right either.

Johnnie, can you spell before?"

Johnnie stands up and says, "Before. B-e-f-o-r-e! Before!"

"Outstanding!" says the teacher."Now, can you use it in a sentence?"

Johnnie stands up and says,

"2+2 before."

I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.

What are the odds?

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution." They got that wrong! Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident."

What do you call a constipated conspiracy theorist?

An anti-laxxer.

A man finds out his wife is having an affair, so he calls his friend, Arty, who will do anything for a dollar, to murder them.

"Arty", says the cheated husband. "I want you to kill my wife and her lover." "Okay" replies Arty, but I'll only do it if you give me a dollar!" So Arty follows them both around the local Safeway, and as they get to the fruit and veg section he strangles the man, then the woman. The following days' newspaper ran with the headline, "Arty chokes 2 for a dollar at Safeway!"

The guy who created autocorrect has died.

May he rest in piss.