2224 - Saturday jokes

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'

'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'

'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!


********

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food. 

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. 

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. 

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. 

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. 

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

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Two young men were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared before the judge on Friday.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. This will determine if you stay out of jail or not. I'll see you back here in court Monday morning."

Monday morning, the two guys were back in court, and the judge asked the 1st guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

                _
              /   \
              \ _ /            O

And told them this (pointing to the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (pointing to the small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (referring to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used a similar approach. (drawing two circles)

                             _
               O           /   \
                           \ _ /

"I said, [pointing to the small circle] this is your asshole before prison......"