2251 - Day 1 jokes

Procrastination: working tomorrow for a better today.

I'll take one martini, two at the most. Three I'm under the table, Four I'm under the host.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flies like a banana.

If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise they won't go to yours.

I need my sleep. Eight hours a day, and about ten at night.

I used to know a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline was too long.

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Double Entendre... So he gives it to her.
Panda mating fails: veterinarian takes over
Miners refuse to work after death
New obesity study looks for larger test group
Children make nutritious snacks
Criminals get nine months in violin case

I only need you to work half days... The other twelve hours you can do whatever you want.

You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.

I shouldn't have driven home last night... Especially since I walked to the bar.

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

A guy who suffers from premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere.

Whiteboards are remarkable.

Camping is intense.